my biggest fear is losing my mom essay

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Mothers are supernatural creatures.

We grow brand new lives inside our bellies and fearlessly birth our babies into this world. Almost effortlessly we create milk; nourishing their chubby little legs and fuelling their rapidly growing minds.

Hands down, motherhood is the greatest miracle I’ve ever known.

My pregnancy lasted 42 weeks and, even during labor, I was in complete disbelief that an actual baby, complete with ten little fingers and ten little toes, would soon be born.

Maybe it was because miracles are impossible to rationalize. Or maybe I’d been so focused on navigating through our birth safely, that anything beyond that point in time felt like a daydream.

When I finally laid eyes on my baby and held him in my arms it felt more like a homecoming; a reunion of souls rather than an introduction.

We were long lost friends who already knew and understood each other.

Mesmerized from day one, I felt compelled and responsible to be the best mother I could be. To selflessly give my son everything he needed, just like my mother did for me. To care for him day and night . To protect him. To nourish him . To fight for him . To provide for him. And, of course, to love him unconditionally.

In many ways I approached new motherhood like an assignment, believing I needed to gain all the knowledge I could so that I could make the best choices possible for our little family as we slowly embarked on our own unique path.

With my own mother living eight thousand miles away, I found many of my mentors in books; names like Gaskin and McKenna , Leo, Markham and Siegl have become legendary in our home. They laid out the science and gave me the conviction to trust my instincts. To trust my baby. And forge confidently into the great unknown.

I learned everything I could about babies and their needs, but what I didn’t learn about was mothers. How would this experience impact me? In the early days, I simply didn’t have time to think about it. Mastering breastfeeding, coping with sleep deprivation and finding my “new normal” were more than enough to keep me occupied.

But lately it’s been on my mind as I strive to find a balance, that to be honest, has so far largely eluded me. Becoming a mother has been the single greatest joy of my life, but I’m conscious of falling into the trap of becoming my son’s shadow; of revolving my life around his for the next twenty years.

The love I feel for my child is intoxicating and his needs are endlessly overwhelming; it would be so easy to do. But, I’m realizing if I do, I risk becoming a reflection. A soul who’s lost her spark. Her drive. Her passions. Her essence.

What scares me most about being a mother isn’t the tantrums, the sleep deprivation or the challenges of the teenage years but the fear of slowly, piece by piece losing myself. And nobody can prevent that but me.

Motherhood has allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible and without doubt I’m evolving into a better version of myself. But, with it’s relentless, never-ending, 24/7 demands I sometimes find myself feeling tempted to throw up the white flag and surrender myself completely just to make my life a little easier in the moment.

As parents we become specialists in self-sacrifice; it’s part of the job description. But, in avoiding temporary discomfort and making a habit of choosing the path of least resistance we risk settling for less and forfeiting the essence of what makes us unique in the process.

A critical part of being the best mother I can be means mothering myself as well. Being my own best friend and prioritizing my needs, rather than letting them sink to the bottom of a never-ending to-do list. After all, the love we feel for our kids is a limitless resource but our energy is not.

As cliché as it sounds, we can’t pour from an empty cup. Sometimes we need others to point out the obvious; to give ourselves permission to prioritize our basic needs.

A wise post by Carrie-Anne Moss reminded me of this recently, “ I love this privilege of caring for and feeding my family. I also know there are times where I feel like I cannot do it anymore. It’s not so much that my body is weary, but that my spirit is hungry as I keep trying to give and give from a well that is bone-dry.”

Self-care has become such a buzz word of modern motherhood; I’ll admit I’ve found myself glazing over when I see yet another list post outlining 42 ways to care for a healthy mind, body and soul. But, the concept is far from trivial. As Lynette Sheppard articulated so beautifully in a recent post , “ I am a mother, not a martyr. Some sacrifices come with the territory, but setting aside my passions because I have children is no longer one of them.”

I believe that selflessness and surrender are central to motherhood, but with anything in life, there is a spectrum and when taken to an extreme it puts us on rocky mental and emotional territory. Being a kind and responsive mother doesn’t have to come at the expense of our own well-being.

Mentally drawing a line in the sand so that we can maintain our own identities helps us preserve our passions, while pushing us to become the role models our children deserve. Our kids don’t ask us to give up on our dreams; all they want is happy and healthy parents.

So, no matter how difficult it may seem, find a way to care for yourself. To feed your soul and nourish your body. Whatever your dream, your passion, your life’s desire is I implore you, through the challenges to find a way to keep your unique magic alive because what our children need most is parents who have come alive.

“Don’t give so much of yourself to others, that you end up losing yourself.” Anonymous

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Hi there! I’m Tracy - the founder, writer and advocate behind the award-winning blog, Raised Good - a guide to natural parenting in the modern world. Based in Vancouver and originally launched in 2016, I’ve been overwhelmed by the positive response and the global community that’s developed.

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Why We Can't Let The Fear Of Losing Our Parents Stop Us From Living

Over the last five years, my parents' health has been slowly deteriorating. Both my parents are diabetic. My mother suffers from hypothyroid, and my father has had multiple heart bypass surgeries. I can't say I know too much about these sicknesses, and quite frankly, it scares me to know the details extensively.

As a young and continually growing adult, I'd like to venture out and see the world. I have plans on moving and traveling. To many of us fortunate ones, traveling or moving to another city is a luxury. As for me, I always had hopes of moving back to Toronto.

With this being said, as an only child and a daughter of a loving family, I can't help but want to be by my parents' side. Although they aren't the age of senior citizens yet, they soon will be, and the thought of not having them at my side is terrifying.

Seeing my grandparents pass before my eyes, and seeing how it left both of my parents heartbroken, only made me want to be a stronger person for them. Of course, I was just as heartbroken by the death of my grandparents, but what resonated with me even more was the fear of losing my parents.

My parents and I have a tight-knit relationship. We don't celebrate birthdays or holidays because for our family, every day should be filled with love and warmth. Hell, our family song is Barney's "I Love You" song.

I recently made the decision to move back to Toronto. I sat my parents down to have a discussion and tell them my decision. I remember ripping tissues out of the Kleenex box one right after the other. I explained to my parents that I didn't want to be a disappointment to them. I told them I felt guilty for wanting to move. I told them I felt very selfish, and that I appreciate all they've done for me.

I went on telling them that I never wanted to be a burden to them, and how I longed for them to be proud of me. I told them how sorry I was for all the dumb and selfish mistakes I've made growing up. And most importantly, I told them I loved them both dearly, despite not showing it at times and not knowing how to express it.

This was, without a doubt, the deepest conversation I've ever had with my parents. What broke my heart was that my parents were so supportive of me. They understood I wanted to pursue my own happiness, dreams and ambitions. I expressed my fear of moving, how I'd blame myself and regret for the rest of life if something were to happen and I wasn't there holding their hands.

That was my biggest fear. No child likes to talk about their parents' deaths, let alone with their own parents. As this conversation played out with my parents, I kept choking on my words and found it hard to catch my breath.

My parents made jokes and simply suggested which form of burial and memorial service they'd like. I didn't find that amusing at all. It only made me weary of being thousands of miles away from them.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm aware of all the mistakes I've made in life. I knew there were times I took my parents for granted. Realizing my mistakes, however, wasn't enough for me. I wanted to provide for my parents and give them everything they dreamed of.

I can't imagine life without my parents, but it was comforting to know that they supported my decision, whether it be moving back to Toronto or any other decision in life. They told me they couldn't ask for a better daughter.

Even though at times I feel as if I've let my parents down, they've always reassured me I haven't. They told me they were happy to hear my raw emotions and feelings.

They told me that when life ends, it is all in God's hands. As humans, we can only do our best. We must live each and every day like its our last and treat every day as a family day. We must be appreciative of the simple things in life, and live with no regrets.

Do not take your loved ones for granted. As frigid and scared as I was of sharing how I felt with my parents, I was ecstatic and relieved to finally get everything off my chest. I still fear death, but my parents taught me to love and treasure those around you. So, when that day comes, you'll look back and have no regrets.

Death is a part of our life cycle. There's no escaping it. Rather than dreading and constantly fearing losing our loved ones, it is important to not let these anxieties manifest and make us worry excessively.

It is natural to want to protect our loved ones from harm, and it makes us feel powerless when we can't. The worst feeling is worrying whether your love is too late. When you suffer from such a fear, it seems that loss is always right around the corner, ready to take away someone who is precious to you.

We have to realize that as much as we would like to be able to control everything, we can't. We are vulnerable human beings. We have to have the wisdom of knowing what we can and cannot control. We must realize that death is an inevitable part of life.

If you focus too much upon potential loss, you'll end up missing the wonderful opportunities to connect with others. Live authentically with courage, and express love while you still can. Create valuable memories with those people you care for most.

At one point or another, we'll all be faced with loss, but we shouldn't surrender to the fear of its arrival. Focus on the good things in life. Savor all life has to offer.

Home — Essay Samples — Life — Mother — The Profound Influence of My Mom on My Personal Growth

The Profound Influence of My Mom on My Personal Growth

Categories: Mother Personal Growth and Development

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Published: Sep 1, 2023

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Postpartum Anxiety & The Incessant Fear of Losing Your Loved Ones

by Katherine Stone | 177 comments

Alexis Lesa describes her constant fears of losing her husband or children while she had postpartum anxiety.

I never used to think about death. As a teenager, I thought I was untouchable, invincible, like many teenagers are apt to do. I didn’t understand what it might mean to lose someone; I didn’t experience a death in my family until I was 24 years old.

When I got married, though, overnight I became aware of the possibility of having something invaluable taken away from me. However, it wasn’t until I developed postpartum anxiety that I became preoccupied with the topic. It began to fill my brain, taking on a life of its own and sometimes making it difficult to focus on anything else.

An obsession with death and dying can be a symptom of postpartum anxiety, especially in those women with postpartum OCD. Of course, at the time I didn’t know this, so I just thought I was losing my mind.

I had to check on my son at least twice before I went to sleep every night, and I often found myself getting out of bed to make sure the front door was locked, even though I always lock the door behind me when I get home. Every time we’d drive on the freeway, I would lock the car doors because I had a recurring waking nightmare about a door malfunctioning and me or one of my family members being sucked out of the car, kind of like in the movies when an airplane door is opened mid-flight.

At night, I would pray to God to keep my husband and son (and eventually sons) safe. Then I would lie in bed and panic—sometimes cry—thinking about having to go on with life without my husband or baby. It often took hours before I could sleep, and once in a while I’d find myself repeating over and over into thin air, “Please just keep them safe. Please just keep them safe. Please just keep them safe.”

I’d often think about my own death, too. Not in a suicidal way, just in a compulsive, hysterical way. What would my family do without me? What would happen to me? Would anyone go to my funeral? Who would dress my body? I didn’t want anyone to see me without clothes on. It’s almost funny in retrospect, but it was terrifying at the time. My stomach would be in knots for hours after one of my rounds of death thoughts.

Even now, though a great deal of my postpartum anxiety symptoms have abated, the fear of death and dying remains. This morning I cried for an hour after reading the blog of a woman whose son killed himself six months ago. I couldn’t stop myself from reading every entry from the last six months. She has two sons, and the oldest is gone now.

I kept thinking of my own two boys and I swear, my heart stopped beating when I thought of one of them not being here anymore. I got up and went to my oldest son’s room; he was supposed to be napping, but was doing his usual routine of talking to himself to stay awake. I laid down next to him and asked him to hold me, and I told him that I loved him. He put his little arms around my neck and squeezed me so tight. I finally was able to stop crying, but I couldn’t stop the thoughts.

I’m not sure when this will go away. Perhaps it’s just a part of my personality now, like my love of reading or loud laugh. I don’t want to let it rule me, though. Sometimes I’m so paralyzed by worrying over my mortality that I don’t have time or energy to appreciate the time I have here on this earth.

I suppose I need to take what’s good about this part of postpartum anxiety and run with it, since I don’t know if it’s necessarily temporary. For example, I can’t hang up the phone with my husband or go to bed for the night without saying “I love you.” I have to say it to my kids every time we part, too. My husband asked me why I feel the compulsion to say that (even when I’m angry or annoyed with him), and I told him that if he or one of our children were to die suddenly, I would want the last words they heard to be “I love you.”

So maybe I’m crazy, but at least my family will never question my love for them. In the grand scheme of things, perhaps it’s worth the trade.

Alexis Lesa

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177 comments.

The more and more I have read over this past week, the more I now realize that maybe what I'm going through isn't a relapse of PPD. I think that maybe it was with me all along and I was in denial. Only, it's just hitting me harder right now. I have a constant fear of my car door opening while driving on the highway when I'm the passenger. Almost every time I go to the bathroom, mid-way through, I gain extreme panic that I'm "going" only I'm not on the toilet. I'm paranoid that my co-workers know I have PPD and they think I'm just a crazy mother wanting to be home with her baby (even though they don't know I have it). When I leave for work in the morning, half way there, I wonder if I remembered to change the baby and give him his milk (even though I know I did). I could go on and on. It's so scary. What is wrong with me? I'm 19 months postpartum. It's not like I'm a brand new mom anymore… I have two other kids and never felt this way, ever!

Alexis, You continue to take the spinning words, feelings, ideas, images in my head– things I can't (or am just afraid to) give language to — and you write them down. You provide the language for me. Along the way, you also give me peace of mind that I'm not alone, I'm not going bat-shit crazy and that it will, someday, get better. I dare say, friend, that you have found yourself a calling– a ministry– in your ability to share yourself to help others.

I continue to this day, after being on medication since 2004 and having gone through 2.5 years of therapy, to experience considerable anxiety over death/dying. I did it before I had kids, and since becoming a mom it has only gotten worse….although the meds keep me from becoming paralyzed by it. I find that October is the hardest month for me because I experienced my nervous breakdown in Oct 2004 and it is breast cancer awareness month, so I am being flooded left & right with news/articles about breast cancer (which my mom had). In my experience there is no cure. There is remission. There is recovery. And it is a work in progress.

ugh..I basically consider myself a PPOCD/PPA survivor at this point. the only thing that still plagues me is the things mentioned in this article. I worry about my husband dying, my kids, but mostly..myself. I am aware I do this, and alot of times thats the first step to getting a handle on it. Honostly, I dont think I had these worries until after I really got a handle on my PPOCD and was well into recovery. maybe the intrusive thoughts made it all too real for me. whatever the case, I dont want them to rule my life 🙂

It is unbelievable how this weeks articles are making me feel that I am so not alone. My son is 2 and although I am definitely not the way I was when diagnosed with PPDOCD/Anxiety, PTSD, I still feel intusive thoughts, depression and anxiety. My son is 2 now and I NEVER had this with my other 2 boys. I am too trying to accept that this is something I will have to deal with and in time it will get better little by little. I am on meds that I cannot even consider not taking and I am still in therapy. I hate to hear about others that are still suffering but it makes me feel that I am not alone and that I am not some freak that was not able to heal from PPD. Because it has been over a year and a half since I was diagnosed you start to question if it is "PPD" anymore. When I read these articles, it makes me think that maybe it starts with PPD and then it is anxiety, OCD, etc, without the PPD before it. I know I had all of these a little bit prior to getting PPD. I really am trying not to get to the finish line but to take everyday as it comes and not beat myself up when I have an really bad day. Love to all of u and prayers that that we will all feel peace from all of this….

Been so helpful to find this site and feel not alone in what feels like a slow recovery from PPD (my daughter is 3.5) AND recognize things I hadn't realized were a part of my symptoms…like obsessive fear of loved ones dying. My husband had to travel at least once a month for the first year of our daughter's life and I would be a total mess on his travel days. When he was overseas for 10 days I became convinced I would never see him again. It also happened in the small things, on the rare occasion my daughter was out with someone, if they were late coming back, I would fall apart. To this day, if my husband and daughter are out together, I sometimes start to obsess about car accidents, etc. Since my mom died when I was a teenager, I have a lot of food for the mental fire about my own mortality. I'm so scared that something will happen to me while she's young and she won't remember me or know how much I love her. SO hard to control these thoughts, to label them and try to see them as obsessive and intrusive and not reality based. Even then it is hard to let them go.

Susan– I lost my mom just after I turned 24. Older than you, but still too young. I, too, found that her death was a huge trigger for my fears about dying and leaving my boys motherless, as well as fear of others around me dying. These obsessive thoughts have been with me long before I had children…a sign of the depression that I didn't know I had (for years.) Having children has intensified them 10-fold. I know what you mean about how hard it is to control them. My heart is right there with you as a motherless mother trying to make it through. <3

Thanks Heidi. Your words provide such a good bunch of not-alone feeling.

I AM A FATHER OF A TEN YEAR OLD BOY AND THERE NOT A DAY THAT’S GOS BY THAT’S I DONT THINK OF HIS INEVEITABLE DEATH oR MINE OR OTHERWISE CLOSE TO ME I REALLY LET totaly CONSUME ME SOME TIME AND INDONTBKNOW WHAT TO DO I FEEL SO HELPLESS FOR ME A D MY LOVED ONES WHEN IT’S TIME IT’S TIME AND YOU CAN’T FIGHT THAT.

Have peace x

I am going through the same thing, and it seems like it is consistentlying getting worse. Have you found any help, or have any advice??

This article is exactly how I feel…except I don't have kids..its my parents, siblings, family, boyfriend…or me, of how I'm going to die…t drives me crazy…and I know I should be enjoying the moments while we r all here..but just to know its going to happen…bothers me..it takes my freedom..how can I enjoy life when I know those things r going to happen due to death being a part of life..I don't know what to do!! 🙁

Nisha, how are you doing now? Five years later. Wondering if it gets better.

Ikr. I am wondering how everyone is doing all this time later…

I haven't yet been diagnosed with PPD but we will see what tomorrow brings as that is when I go to see my doctor. I just seem to be walking around with this feeling of doom hanging over my head. I am terrified of the things I cant control. I cant sleep at night, during the day I will be fine one minute and than the next a thought of something happening to one of my children or my husband or my parents or my grandparents or or or… pops into my head and I cant get it out. And when that happens I have a panic attack and when that settles down a bit I burst into tears. And if its not the fear of losing a loved one or myself dieing- its the end of the world that I am terrified of. I cant even watch the same shows I used to or read books. If there is anything about death I cant read it or watch it or listen to it. Just recently in the past month I developed a fear of driving to the next town over because we could maybe possibly get in an accident on the way. Its rediculous and I cant live my life with this constant fear because it is taking over every aspect of my life. I gave birth to my daughter in July (she is my second child) and I never had any of the minor baby blues with her as I did with my son. But about 3 months ago I started feeling this way. Not until recently did I suspect that it could be PPD, because I always thought that PPD was wanting to harm yourself or you child and feelings of worthlessness. I have none of those feelings which is a good thing, but I cant handle these fears anymore. I just hope that there is something that can help me. I have been praying to God to keep us all safe but at the same time know that we are all born to die so praying for that just seems stupid. Now I find myself praying for help and Im not getting any better and I feel left all alone with these thoughts that wont get out of my head

Everything you're talking about is all too familiar, and I really feel for you. There's almost nothing worse than not being able to live a full life because you're afraid to lose the ones you love. I'm so glad you're going to the doctor, and I hope you're able to find some peace after seeing him/her. Just know, this will pass. Get whatever treatment you need to get well, and this will pass. Until then, you'll be in my thoughts.

Oh my gosh. I am so happy I found this site. Ever since I got pregnant with my second child, I started thinking, "WHAT IF something happened to my husband or daughter, or even myself?" I was convinced that I was worried because one of us was going to suffer an untimely death. I am 18 weeks along today and my fears have been compounded. Over the past month, two 6 week old babies of our friends passed away, as well as 2 women we knew, one 47 the other in her 30's, and my stepfather's grandmother. The last did not affect me much, since she was 91. But the two women especially got to me. Once I found out about the first one, I just started obsessing over how death is inevitable and I could not even see my husband or daughter playing because it made me sad to think I might lose them one day. I am at my worst now, though. When I found out about the second woman this past week, first I freaked out, then I found out she died suddenly, and I have been feeling worse than ever. I have developed a fear of tomorrow. I am afraid to not tell my family I love them because they might not be here tomorrow. I have developed a fear of not doing things perfectly because I myself could die tomorrow and I don't want to die with regret. It is consuming me and I was sure that I was feeling these things because one of us going to die soon. But I spoke with my sister and she has been experiencing the same thing since she got pregnant last May. She is actually still suffering from the same thoughts and felt the same way, like her thoughts might be a premonition. I would lie if I said I am cured now, because that feeling will find it's way back and I know that. But I find comfort in the fact that there are others like me and my sister. So hopefully I can feel some piece of mind and be able to be myself.

I also forgot to add, that while pregnant with my first child in 2005, I began to fear death near the end of my pregnancy. After I had my daughter, I felt normal enough at first, but then it started coming back. I was scared at night and I was just down. It took me all the until 2008 to feel better. I believe I am suffering the same thing with this pregnancy, only worse. It is one thing to be scared of dying or something bad happening to those around you, but if you add in people around you actually dying, it multiplies the feeling. I went though the first time with a lot of suffering, and I went through it alone. I did not seek help, nor did I understand what I was going through until way after a I felt better. But I am going to go with my gut instinct and say I need help on this one. I can not do it alone. Especially not since those around me are already grieving and scared in their own ways because of everything going on….

Thank u so much to the author and all the wonderful people who have commented. I now feel that I am not alone in my almost debilitating fears that myself, or even worse, one of my boys will die. I think about it daily, and then wonder “is this much worry normal?!?”. Now I am searching for a way to alleviate these intrusive and depressing thoughts. But, every news story and tragedy I/everyone seems to hear on a weekly basis just makes me wonder “that could happen to me” and the worrying begins again! What to do?

I feel these things day in and day out. I feel as if my world is crashing. My mind is constantly “dreaming” of ways that my children could get hurt or disappear and I find myself not breathing–almost having a panic attack. I cry myself to sleep almost every night that my husband’s not here. I panic at the thought of an intruder at night that I keep a weapon nearby. I thought what I was feeling was PPD, but it’s not. I feel it’s much worse.

Miranda, Please reach out to your doctor. Please. The anxiety and the panic you mention really may be related to a postpartum mood or anxiety disorder, and you don’t have to feel this way on a daily basis. There is help. You are NOT alone. ~ Katherine

Thank you, Katherine! I was really beginning to think I was the only one. I have a scheduled appointment next week to see my doctor.

I know this story is a few years old but i’m glad I came across it. I found it because I googled “crying…fear something will happen to my kids.” I have two daughters, 4 and 1, and this fear has gotten much worse with my second baby. I can’t sleep at night because my mind runs wild with these thoughts about something happenning to my husband or kids. I mean this is every parent’s nightmare but it’s keeping me from sleeping and *always* on my mind. I think about possible accidents that could happen, even kidnapping. I cry about my own death, not because I fear it, but because i’ll no longer be with my children and will miss them. I fear them growing up. I fear them going to school. I fear them driving in the car. Then I have the fleeting idea that I will just homeschool them and live in a cabin in the woods….These awful scenarios play out in my mind every. single. night.

Christine, it’s possible that you have postpartum OCD/anxiety. If you are so impacted by these thoughts and fears that you are unable to sleep, I would highly recommend reaching out to your doctor. This is very treatable and you definitely don’t have to live this way. ~K

Hello my name is Tabitha and I’m only 21 years old and I just recently had a baby boy whos 5 months old. Lately I have been having anxiet attacks and depression over the fear of death and one day losing all of the people I love. I am truely scared I do nothing but cry all day and it’s taking a physical tile on me as we’ll . I constantly feel sick to my stomach so I just don’t eat and idk what to di I feel like there’s no hope for me

Tabitha, there is definitely hope for you. Please talk to your doctor or your baby’s pediatrician about what you are going through. Let him or her know you have been having anxiety attacks and are concerned you have postpartum anxiety and that it’s now affecting your ability to eat. They can help you with this. There’s no reason for you to believe it’s hopeless or be at the point where you feel sick constantly – you don’t have to live like that. Postpartum anxiety is fully treatable. You did nothing to cause it. It’s an illness that can be treated. ~ K

Hi, I have just accidently come across this site and just reading this has given me a vivid flashback of my life several years ago when my son was about 2 years old. I’ll briefly share this so that you know you aren’t alone and that you can overcome these feelings! I had a constant fear of dying and illness. I distinctly remember driving home with my son seeing a sunset and breaking down because I was convinced it was the last I would see, the 2nd gulf war was in progress and I had a morbid fascination constantly watching news reports amd wondering when it would affecte me and how I could protect my son. This progressed to me being convinced I was ill and dying I used to be paralysed by panic wondering what my son would do without me. I’ve been quite brief here but this fear was all consuming! I knew this wasn’t normal behaviour I a very rational person usually – eventually I went to the doctor and completely broke down in the surgery. The doc recommended a course of counselling and short term use of anti-depressants. It worked! I went to several counselling sessions most of which were spent with me in tears and the release was amazing I spent less than a year on anti-depressants and I gradually started to feel ‘normal’ again! Now I don’t have these fears! I’ve even been through a marriage break up (my husband left me for another woman) and I still didn’t go back to how I was! I hope that this helps in some small way and I wish you all the best Claire xx

I believe I also have something related to this. I just googled “the fear of your loved ones dying” and found this which sounded very similar to how I feel. It drives me insane, completely takes over my emotions and at the most random moments. It’s the only thing that can break me down at any moment. I’m only 17 years old, and have actually been having these feelings for about 2 years or so. But I don’t know what could have triggered it, I have not experienced any deaths close to me in my life. All i can think is, there was this once that I may have had a panic attack a few years back.. it was because I had gotten really mad and I was frusterated and I guess just lost control so my body just clenched and all I could do was cry and I had uneven breathing. I just want the feelings of my loved ones dying to stop. It has especially been happening with my boyfriend, of almost a year now, lately. When I don’t hear from him for more than a few hours I just get bad thoughts in my head and feel like something has happened to him and just cry, I can’t help it, it just takes over me.. I do know I have a bit of OCD maybe a little more than the average person should. But not that severe as to affect my everyday life.. I just want opinions really. Also I’m so relieved I came across this article, I don’t feel so alone anymore. Thank you (: -Also, I’m not a generally depressed person. Lately just a bit stressed with graduating and such but I’m an average girl really I don’t normally have health issues or anything either. & no one, not even the closest person in my life knows I have these thoughts but me..

Mikeala, I’m so sorry your struggling with this. I have OCD so I know what it’s like. I would highly suggest talking to your doctor. Maybe see if your parents would be willing to schedule an appointment for you, or if you’re in high school you could also go in and see your school counselor. Especially if these fears get to the point where it feels like they’re taking over your life, occupying your mind too often or preventing you from doing things you would otherwise enjoy. OCD can be treated. Also, please don’t feel alone. There are lots of people who have thoughts like these, maybe even people you know — it’s just that they’re not talking about them. ~ K

I just found this after googling thru tears “constant fear of children being hurt or dying” what I read sounds so much like me. I’m not one to share or talk about my feelings. I’m always the listener. but, I needed to find this! Is it normal, though, if my kids are 3 and 5 for PPA to be this big of deal for me? maybe it was a snowball effect or a hidden trigger? idk…

Erin, you might be suffering from generalized anxiety. If this is happening a lot and really affecting you I would definitely reach out to your doctor. Constant, overwhelming feelings of fear and worry are not “normal” and can be a sign that you are struggling with anxiety. That’s okay. It’s a common illness and fully treatable.

I am 13 years old and I constantly think of death to my mum and dad and sister it scares me so much it keeps me up at night I go into my mum crying and she tells me I shouldn’t think of stuff like that I don’t know what to do should I get therapy ? Or go and see my doctor? I need to do something about this I have lots of friends and I’m a normal teenager I’m just really scared about the thought of loosing my family please help.

You should definitely talk to your doctor. It’s possibly anxiety, and if your anxiety is preventing you from getting the good sleep that you need each night, that isn’t good for your health. Anxiety is a common illness and it’s fully treatable with either therapy or medication or both. You don’t have to continue to experience these constant worries and scary feelings.

Wow I don’t feel so alone now…. I don’t know what I have… I mean, In one sense I’m not afraid of death itself by any means, more so what I’m leaving behind. My son is almost two. I constantly am worried if he’s at his dads or with anyone else, and even still check in him to see if he’s breathing when he sleeps. I have it stuck in my mind that if anything ever happened to him, he died by any way, I would 100% kill myself. I bawl my eyes out all the time googling child hood losses and I just lose myself, I’m so paranoid about it. And I’m also very paranoid about me getting killed or someone coming in our home killing me and my son. Sounds so insane retrospect. I’m so paranoid to even meet or become close to new people or letting people into my home because I’m afraid of getting murdered. It gives me huge anxiety. Yes I have endured many losses and most of the anxiety comes from a very good friend whome has a baby only 6 weeks apart from mine, got murdered by a friend at her house in March. Not gang related or anything and she reminded me much of myself and she would be the last person to think it would happen to. I don’t know I just feel crazy. Have other bad thoughts but probably shouldn’t say in here. Is ppd even possible. Almost 2 years later?

Angie, I would definitely talk to your doctor about anxiety. You don’t have to live with these constant fears and worries – they are likely a symptom of anxiety or OCD, which is fully treatable. You are not alone and you can absolutely get help for this.

I am so relieved to have found this article. I have always had a very deep fear of death and dying, but it intensified painfully with the birth of my son 9 months ago – to be honest I struggled even when I was pregnant, I became convinced that he was going to be still born and the closer it came to my due date the worse it got. Now I lay awake at night envisioning various things that could go wrong. I have been diagnosed with GAD three weeks ago, am on mood stabilisers but they are only partly working. I am still struggling and every time I hear a news story about a child under 2 dying I have a really intense reaction and feel compelled to read all about it and can cry for up to an hour. I just feel like I’m losing my mind and I don’t know how to explain to my poor husband what I’m going through. He has always been my rock and I know he’s very confused about what’s happening to me but I can’t find the words to explain.

So sorry to hear you are struggling Laura. It definitely sounds like you have anxiety and I’m so glad you reached out to get help from a doctor. I know it’s very scary and upsetting, being a sufferer of anxiety myself. Keep talking to your doctor about your symptoms and how your treatment plan is working for you. I find therapy can be very helpful for anxiety as well. Hang in there mama.

i too experience this . ever since my two friends passed away all that comes to my head is death thoughts or am i next . these thougjts have been happening ever since i attended my friends viewing . i guess it just sort of sneaked upon me but it gets very scary and all i wana do is live a happy life i once had without having to worry every five seconds. i have anxiety and depression now because of this and also a son who is about to turn two years old. it gets very hard to handle

The death of a loved one can certainly cause both feelings of grief and even depression. Have you thought about reaching out to a grief support group, Kiera, or talking to your doctor about perhaps getting some therapy? You are right that depression and anxiety feel very scary, but please know you are not alone and there is treatment for both if you have either. Try talking to your doctor about the fears and thoughts you are having and what might help you get through this time.

Katherine- I gave birth to my first child 3.5 months ago. Within the past month, i started envisioning freak accidents (mostly in automobile accidents) that would lead to my death. These thoughts only cross my mind when I have time to myself to think. As you know, motherhood doesn’t leave much time to your own thoughts. So I wouldn’t say it consumes my day, just my free time. Will this pass? What has helped you get through this?

What I would say is that if these thoughts start impacting your ability to function as you would like to in your daily life, I would reach out to a doctor or therapist. If they aren’t having much impact on you because you know they’re not real and just a sign of anxiety and the anxiety doesn’t get any worse, and you don’t have other symptoms, then you may be able to get through this on your own by taking good care of yourself, getting rest and good nutrition, and the like. Does that make sense? It’s about how much your symptoms are impacting you — if they are hurting you or causing great stress or preventing you from being the mom and/or person you’d like to be, that’s when you need to seek professional help.

Katherine and Sarah, I cannot thank you enough for verbalizing exactly what I am experiencing and feeling. I have had (what I guess you could call) controllable anxiety all of my life. With the birth of my son three years ago, and especially with the birth of my daughter a year ago, I find myself flinching at the horrific ways I imagine us/them dying (car accident being a big one). I’ve always been able to talk myself out of any sort of anxiety attack, convincing myself it is not my intuition telling me something bad is going to happen, but my brain tricking me into feeling this way. It is such a huge relief to read about other women experiencing the same symptoms.

It’s a terrifying experience, I know, Emily. But you’re right that MANY women are having the same symptoms. You are definitely not alone.

Wow. I thought I was the only one! But my fears are a little different. Let me give you a little background. I am 27 years old, I’ve been married for 9 years (was 18 when we married) and I have been a mother since 5 days after turning 17. I have 5 children in total….10, 8, twins 7 and a 1 year old. Back when I was about 22 or 23 I started having panic attacks, so I went on meds (celexa or citalopram) and it helped me tremendously! The only bad thing is that it made me put on a bunch of weight. Anyway, after about 6 months or so I took myself off the meds. I have felt fine for the last 4 years or so. But, 2 years ago I lost my grandmother to lung cancer. She was 64. But, even though I grieved for her, I was relieved when she passed because she suffered a long time. I had just found out I was pregnant and we were buying a house, so I didn’t really have time to have any other thoughts except being excited over the new events in my life. Well, this year, on Jan. 4th my grandfather passed away (he was 68) pretty suddenly. I was very heartbroken and sad. But then a couple days after he passed, my thoughts started becoming more focused on the fear of death. I was obsessed with thinking how old I am (27 isn’t really “old”) and how I didn’t want to get any older. Then I started crying a lot just looking at my kids and feeling as if they were growing up too fast for my liking. I would be so distraught that it was like I was dreading the end of every day….as if I weren’t savoring it enough. I would obsessively think about the past and how I longed to re-live those years. I cry at the thought of my kids having another birthday because I know it means they will be older…the same for me, I dread turning 28….and so on. This all came out of nowhere and I can tell I am depressed because I’ve been sleeping later, I don’t care about anything, I have to literally make myself do things I had no problem with before. I just want to be HAPPY with the HERE AND NOW. Know what I mean? I am terrified of dying…I am terrified of losing another loved one and I am constantly thinking about how fast the days are going by, I feel like I don’t have enough TIME. My friends and family try to help by saying I should snap out of it, or try doing things even though I don’t want to, and they have even told me to just live for today. I am living for today, but it’s almost like I’m living in my last days….as if I’ll die tomorrow. Because I go through the day very sad, thinking “What’s the point? I’m just gonna get old and die anyway!” and I am sick of this! I have made the choice of seeing a counselor very soon, but I’m not convinced I’ll ever feel any better. 🙁

As many others have said I am so so glad I stumbled across this article and all the comments. I am 33 weeks pregnant with my second child and my son is coming up for 2, I know I’m probably being irrational and hormonal but I’m freaking out that something might happen to me during the birth of number 2 and leave my son with no mother! He is my whole world and I’ve struggled a little bit to get my head around this pregnancy as it is (it was not planned at all, and although I’m excited I’m also very nervous at the impact this will have on my little boy as they have different fathers). Although I’m usually a very laid back person when it comes to my son I feel like I’m terrified all the time, I hate it when he goes to his dads. My break up with my sons dad was very messy and think it may have knocked my confidence a little (he got caught out having an affair when he got accused of rape-although I don’t believe he could do such a thing and the charges were dropped that was definitely the end for us) but his father is not the most responsible parent in the world and it terrifies me that one day he’s not going to be paying attention and something awful will happen to my son. My new man is amazing but I don’t feel I can tell him how much I’m worrying because I’m sure it will just sound stupid! It’s not taking over my life and I’m hoping it’s just because I’m pregnant and my hormones are going crazy but it is something that has crossed my mind since my first son was born. Do you think it’s something I should worry about or wait and see how I get on once number 2 is here? (Provided nothing awful happens to me in the process!)

Wow, I am SO glad I’ve come across this thread. I am having an identical experience. My daughter is two and I was having fear thoughts after she was born, but it just became too overwhelming and I think the trigger is also similar to the other women, in my case being near the age of my mother when she died of cancer. Just a horrible fear of loosing my baby or dying myself and leaving her alone, or dying ever for that matter… then the same fear as described by others of deep hurt that everyone will die, just paralyzing!. Middle of the night panic attacks, non stop crying, horrible feelings of real fear like I was already experiencing the horror of death somehow. I hate posting anything anywhere, but I am so relived to hear stories identical to mine that I want to share my experience as well in case there are other women who need help and can relate. I wasn’t even going to look at PPD, I was googling “depression fear of death” and one of the suggestions that popped up was this url for PPD and fear of death… bingo! I don’t see anything like this being discussed anywhere else after another google search, so perhaps this is an under reported issue. I also find it interesting that women like myself with 2 year olds and not new borns are also having these issues. I am going to see a professional as soon as one will see me, it’s so scary and painful, and costing me tons of money since I’m having a terrible time working or getting anything done, not to mention not sleeping. I hate leaving the house, like the other women even leaving my husband and baby alone together stresses me out and he’s the best, most vigilant dad ever! I hope there is more research out there discussing this specific symptom of PPD, and if there is I’m going to find it. You were very brave sharing this experience, I’m very, very thankful you did!

This is LITERALLY the best website. I am struggling so much with all of these thoughts everyone has on here. It is comforting to know that other people feel this way. All these comments are older, but what do we do about it? Medicine? Therapy? AHHHH its so terrifying

Victoria, so glad you are finding the website helpful. You need to reach out to a healthcare professional, a medical doctor, or therapist to discuss your thoughts and feelings. You’re not alone and treatment will help. I hope you reach out. You deserve to feel better.

I literally cried reading this. It’s like you are reading my mind! I felt so alone in my thoughts. Am I going crazy? I have a 5 year old And 4 Year Old with a husband deployed and I am constant visualizing accidents involving my boys or getting “the knock on the door” for my husband. I am checking on the boys before I go to bed and sometimes even wake up in the middle of the night to check on them. I am actively seeking therapy and am hoping it will help. I am just so glad to hear I am not alone!

I’m so glad you found us Ana!

I don’t have PPD but I do suffer from anxiety and PTSD. The past 6 months or longer I have this fear of loosing my sons, they are 23,21 and 17 yrs old. My 21 yr old son is moving away in a June for work. I cry every night over this, I am fretting to death. I also have thoughts of him or my other sons getting killed in a car accident. I feel like I am loosing my mind and can’t control my feeling. I am currently on medication for depression, I don’t know what else Doctors can do for me. Please help

When a person opens up the door to those questions it’s hard to close it. I myself have been suffering from 2003 to 2013 , medications for anxiety and counciling . They helped but I really think it comes down to a few things, mostly self control. When the thoughts arise squash them , and just say no. Refuse to indulge in these bad fantasies .

Thank you for writing this article. I feel like I am in desperate need of help. Since my eldest son was born, I am consumed with death. I have two sons, but my fears are centered on either myself or my eldest. Also, I usually worry we will either get cancer or die in a car accident. If my eldest gets a bruise, says his stomach or back hurt, has diarrhea, etc. I tie everything to cancer. Because I only do this with my oldest and have since he was born, I think it is some sort of Postpartum symptom still lingering from his birth. I have been to a therapist but I don’t think she got it or was equipped to help.

I think I have this fear all the time. 🙁 I fear losing my husband and my children and myself. Even though my babies are alwAys with me, I still have that fear. But lately it’s more fear for my husbands safety. I’m in my twenties and he’s in his fifties and he doesn’t take care of himself much, so I have him take vitamins every a.m. lol but there’s always that fear, he’s just careless with his health. We have 2 babies together one on the way and I have more fear of dangerous people around our house at night. Not sure why. If anyone knows any helpful remedies please let me know. Thx.

What I am experiencing is a bit different – my daughter is three months old and recently have become depressingly fixated on death and mortality. I can’t stop crying over the fact we all will die someday. I will lose my parents and someday I will die and no longer exist. I feel guilty about having my daughter because someday she will have to go through losing me. And I look at this wonderful little person that I made and I don’t fear her dying young just a general sadness that someday she will be gone from the world too. This is not something I ever struggled with before. I have had anxiety but more for specific things like flying and refusing to fly and hating when loved ones fly but this is something new and I can’t stand it! It is taking all the happiness out of my life and I am constantly crying.

My symptoms are similar. Has it got easier?

I’m 16 almost 17 female. I have not had a child but I fear death and my mother dying so bad that I cry or I just panic for days. It’s like my mind tells me to do things and if I don’t do them my mother will die and she’s all I got. I’m attached to her seriously I mother her more than she mothers me.

I’m so happy I’m not alone in this yet I wish none of us experienced this fear. I am a new mommy to a beautiful 4.5 months young girl and I have a fear of the future like never before. I’m a single mom and I am learning to heal my life in every way possible in my mind, body and spirit. I’m learning to have more faith in God and the universe and am learning how to replace old negative thoughts with positive thoughts. When I think a negative thought, and I catch myself I have to remind myself that it’s just a thought. To let it float on by. Then I think of a positive thought. I have to remind myself to lighten up and get back to the present moment and breathe. I also think of things I am grateful for which is easy to do around my girl because she’s such a delight even when she’s mad or upset I tend to laugh because I am reminded to lighten up and just be there for her. When I do this I am able to relax. Learning to listen to my intuition helps. I pray a lot to my angels and ask for their love and light and guidance and help to release the old thought patterns and replace them with new ones. I was never a spiritual person until my ex broke up with me and I found out I was pregnant. The fears that have come about have caused anxiety and what I consider a panic attack since giving birth but I look to them as a wake up call that I need to heal the deep rooted thought patterns and beliefs that caused them. Exercising and eating well has helped me tons. Sleep was a huge issue with my girl but now that she’s 4.5 months young, it’s getting better and easier and a lot more fun. Everything we do in life is rooted in love or fear. Fear has a crazy way of wanting to keep us crazy but if we have fun, lighten up, see the good in everything and everyone, forgive, open our hearts and minds, fear and all that anxiety and depression and excess weight and negative people, will fall away and life will blossom. That’s what I believe. Everyday I CHOOSE to believe this and in doing so I am able to go with the flow of life. If something happens and I can’t understand it I ask God to tell me what he wants me to know. Read “You can heal your life” by Louise Hay. This helps. Love and Light to all.

I had a miscarriage 13 years ago and then delivered a healthy baby a year later. After she was born, I had PPD and was in constant fear that she was going to die. I couldn’t sleep at night because I had to hear her breathing. She’s almost 13 now and I still have these fears. They never went away. They’ve actually gotten worse. I fear I will die in my sleep and she will find me. I can’t sleep as a result. I have constant thoughts that someone I love is going to die. I feel like I’m going insane. It’s comforting though, knowing that I am not the only one to experience this.

I feel afraid and obsessed with the nothingness of death. I have no belief in the afterlife so i am afraid of the eventuality that i will eventually face. The end. I also dont want any of my loved ones to face it. I simply dont want to die and i have no choice which is even worse. People keep telling me to enjoy my life but i cant with this knowledge no matter how gardi try. Id have to lie to myself and i am too logical for that. I am deeply depressed seeing my beautiful son my loving husband and family because one day iwont see them anymore or remember these things. Its so so so terribly sad.i hope med helps because i have no other hope. I dont want to die but i dont want to live feeling this impending doom either.

You know, there is actually a fair amount of scientific evidence that supports the possibility of an afterlife. If you are adamant that you could never believe it then I understand, but even the simple principle that energy can only be transferred and not destroyed supports an afterlife. I personally don’t believe in the traditional concept of Heaven, but I believe our memories and our spirits live on. The body weighs approximately 21 grams less when we die, even accounting for gas escaping etc, doesn’t cover that amount of loss – I truly believe it is the soul, or whatever you want to call it. Have hope that life holds enough promise for you that you no longer need to focus on death.

I have been going through the same thing, I am pregnant, and I have never had this scare or fear about death until I got pregnant, it scares me really bad when I hear about a death happening it scares me I cry, cause I don’t want anything to happen to me, specially at a young age, I worry myself way to mich, I am healthy and no I’m okay, I also pray evetynsknglye night with my husband because it scares me, is it normal?

Thank you for writing this. I’m in the middle of this and cannot stop crying uncontrollably and thinking about it. I’m glad to know I’m not insane.

I am 47 years old I have been worrying about death since I was 4 years old I would wake up terrified my parents divorced when I was young around 3 and ive had this feeling since I was 4 that I have always been here like I would comfort myself with that feeling of always being here on this earth at this young age , when I became a teen I still had it but not as bad then in my 20s It was like it had went away I was going out and having so much fun going out then I got married and my first son was born boom it hit me hard terrified of death they chalked it up to post partum gave me some medicine and sent me home I can remember I loved my little son so much I couldn’t leave him with anyone scared of germs getting to him I cried leaving the hospital not wanting to take him out of the sterle clean hospital out into the world 5 .5 years later next baby boy is born and again crying in the hospital things people would say hurt my feelings very easy and terrified of death waking and checking my children over and over checking doors and not being able to sleep my marriage took its toll as I was now suffering depression and had two nervous breakdowns and an eating disorder spiraled out of control my marriage of 19 years ended I was in what they called remission I felt good after awhile I remarried everything was great sleeping good feeling good then my son left for the airforce a lot of crying sadness but I hide it always tried then to hide it , then from no where I find out we are having a baby omg I cant believe it not when they did the ultra sound not after buying 15 pregnancy test as my belly grew this made me happy everymrning I would roll to turn and put my feet to the floor feel my belly like it was true but it was I took such good care of this baby and had every test done as I was 43 years old I had a perfect pregnancy perfect delivery brought baby home all the scared of dieing came back fear of my son being over seas my other son habging around a shady group of friends worried for everone always scared did not take the baby out of the house he was a feb baby so I didn’t want him to get germs is how my thinking was cleaning and spraying Lysol began to have panic attacks put backo n medicine its suppose to take away my anxiety so I can sleep as stressing over death you don’t get much sleep I am 4 ft 11 and weigh about 100 pnds im on the highest dose of anxiety medicine but I still wake up from a sound sleep its cold and dark my little 4 year old sleeps in our room as im afraid someone will come in his window and take him and hurt him I fell asleep at midnight and I woke up today at 5 am I always have to get up I cant lay there in the dark I cant let anyone drive with my little boy as im too afraid of something happeneing I see little kids getting of the little bus my little guy wants to ride but I drive him and pick him up the only reason I was able to send him to preschool is because his teacher is my sister in laws sister in law my son was diagnosed with mild sencory processing disorder so as of this time he is not talking much he used to then stopped they say its coming and once it does he will have so much to say 🙂 I cant wait he does say mommy daddy his brothrs name and doggie hungry its coming but any way that’s my story im getting ready to go back to my docter as now I seem to cry easy not hungry and not sleeping well I am so very blessed I know this please if anyone has any suggestions on meds that have helped them with this and the feeling of always being here I still have that also everone in the family is healthey I do get sick when I worry to much its always strep throat thank you for listening any help would be so much appriaciated thank you and sorry to say but im glad this is not just me there are other people who have this and maybe someone can help me thank you Laurie anne

Laurie Anne, my heart breaks for you. What a lot to have to deal with. No one should have to suffer that kind of crippling anxiety. Please do go and see your doctor again. Medication is so individual – what works for one person might not work for another. So if you’re on a high dose of one, it might be that a different medication would work better for you.

Please talk to someone so you don’t have to feel like this any longer. Have you talked to a therapist? That can really help to work through these kinds of feelings as well.

ThiS is me. As I am reading I can swear these are my own Words. It makes me feel better knowing I am not alone. Thank you

I just turned 16 the other day, but I’ve always constantly thought about this, I just lay in my bed and think about what if one of my parents or grandparents anyone close to me died, I go through each person and cry for hours when I’m alone. I just think how if one of them was gone one day I couldn’t even deal with it. I would just want to be with them

I’m sorry for all of the pain and frustration all of you have and are going through. Death and dying us a reality that has completely disabilitated me. My fear of dying and not being able to do ANYTHING about it drives me crazy, not just but my loved ones as well. Not knowing if I’ll ever see them again, will we recognize each other. I believe in heaven, I do, but I can’t process understand and accept INFINITY!! My faith says that we will live in heaven FOR EVER! That means that 1, 3, 20 million of years we’ll still b around somewhere ETERNITY cripples me, those are concepts I can’t deal with. I cannot stop the fact that my children will dye, that one day I will never again see my husband. Every night when I go to bed I think “this was one day closer to death. Aging terrifies me, not because of vanity, but I am starting to experience my body’s deterioration, gray hair, spots in my hands. My husband’s wrinkles, my “babies” moving out of the house, going to college, dating, when did all of this happened? Will I get the chance to see them embark their goals. I HAVE TO DYE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!! Will I EVER SEE MY LOVED ONES AGAIN??? AND IN 20, 30 MILLION YEARS WE’LL BE STILL FOING WHATEVER IS AFTER DEATH!!! I’ve seeing doctors and taken medication but my fear can not be cured, it’s not like being afraid of elevators, you can use the stairs, fear of the dark, keep the lights on 24/7. But how can you overcome a fear that can’t be avoided….help

Lori, I’m so sorry to hear you’re grappling with this. Have you thought about therapy? Medications are a good start, but really being able to sort out these feelings with a professional could be an enormous help to you. You don’t deserve to feel like this everyday. Keep trying new things and see if they help…don’t give up.

While sat in bed crying that my hubby would have an accident or something happen to my daughter, then thinking to myself, oh my days I’ve gone crazy again!!!! I came across this article that took the words out of my muddled brain and put them in front of me! Making me realise I am so far from the only person this happens to. Thank you so much

I am soo suprised to hear such similarities … mines since my grandad passed 6months ago im really down and depressed and worry about my partner an children dieing but mostly worry about if im goin to wake up tomorrow and every pain or ache i have, triggers a worry of death 🙁 .. im feeling like its taking over but an embarrised to tell my family because they will only disagree with goin docs n getting medication ect…. does medication help as i feel i need something as im very over protective of my children to the point wherei only let my partner or me look after them hence why i worry about dieing incase they dont care for them like i do like makeing them brush teeth nwash habds after toilet n comb hair nall the little things ….i feel like im going insane! But im very much aware of everything im feeling so i guess its a start.

Nikki – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re right that being aware of your feelings and knowing something is wrong is a good start. Treatment can help you and I strongly urge to reach out for professional help. You don’t need to suffer like this. I know it’s incredibly hard to take that first step, but you’ll be so glad you did.

Thank you for this article, I have felt the same way and it has been getting worse. My son just turned one and I can’t help but think something is going to happen to me before he has a memory of me. When he was 6 months old my husband and I had a near death experience and I think a lot of the fear stems from that. I have been able to ignore it but recently it has become more consuming. I am so relieved to hear that this is more common than I thought.

This sounds alot like me. sorry for the late comment. for me it all started when i noticed that my mother startet going to the hospital and stayed there a couple times of times, and yes i showed the same symptoms .. right now im working with kids and one told me that her mother died long ago and it just got worse. i feel wierd talking about it, i spend some nights thinking and crying but i try to suppress it. i must sound stupid but i just can’t face it, just the mere though ruins me.

I’m going through the same thing right now. Within the last few months I’ve lost two of my animals and now I have severe anxiety over my other animals dying. I have to go through I checklist every time I get home or when I wake up to make sure there all still alive. I’m terrified of finding one of them dead or one on my parents coming and telling me they just found them dead. I also have severe anxiety over my other family members dying. These thoughts pretty much take over my whole mind when I’m home. Unless I can see them I’m constantly afraid there dying and I’m extremely anxious until I know they’re okay. Not sure if it will ever go away. I’ve always been a worry wart but this is the worse it’s ever been.

Darrian – I’m sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with this. Thoughts like these are typical of anxiety. You’re not alone. Have you reached out for help regarding your anxiety? There are people who can help. Therapy would be a great place to start addressing these fears and learning how to eventually overcome them.

Hi … I have some similar issues. I am a female 37 yrs. I constantly fear for my husband, mother and sister whom I love so dearly. If my mother gets sicks from even a minor ailment, I panic that the worse will happen. When my sis and husband goes long distance I constant worry, and the worst is when my sister goes overseas I really panic from the day I hear the news that she will be travelling. This was not there earlier, but after the recent passenger plane crashes, missing I constantly worry. When she is flying, I check flightrader 24 like every 5 minutes, lose sleep , check flight status to see where she is. This is really troubling me. This is not the case when my relatives/brother travel. I went for counselling as well, but that did not help. I don’t know what to do. I keep telling myself that I should have faith and trust in the Lord almighty, but sometimes my mind just wonders away with unnecessary thoughts of bad happening. If there is away anyone could help me, it is really appreciated. Thanks.

Hi. I’m 21 years old and I’ve been experiencing this since I was a child. Almost every night I’m always the last one to sleep and I check my family in their rooms and check if they’re still breathing. I can’t sleep if I fail to do that. This is becoming severe that I pray almost every hour for their safety. I always have negative thoughts. Also I always check the stove and the electrical outlets. I always check the door if it’s locked. Even with my lover, if I text her and she fails to reply, or replies after just an hour I panic and think of accidents and that she’s in it.

I also fear my own death. I have severe anxiety and I’m anxious of almost anything possible that could kill me. Example, if I pass by a garbage bag I always think it has bomb. Every time I ride a bus or train I always think it will explode. Or every time I hear the sound of airplane or helicopter flying, I panic that it will crash and land on our house.

This is already a part of me and it kills me inside.

I strongly encourage you to read the book “the power of now” by Eckhart Tolle if you read it with an open mind I believe it could really help you. You don’t have to live like that. Xo

I’m going through the EXACT thing. So if you’re crazy, that makes two. It’s SO hard for me to fall asleep because of this fear. Please post updates.

I have also been having these thoughts. Not right away after my baby was born but they just started now that she is 15 months old. I had a lot on my mind and was very stressed with the life change having my first baby required of me. Once I started to have time to think which was just recently, the thoughts came. I was searching the web for answers and I read the comments on this article. It made me feel much better and had me thinking of a few things I want to share. First of all I feel like the urgency to protect our young must be instinct. If we think about it our species wouldn’t be very good at survival if we didn’t want to care for our young and protect them. When I had my baby it was like I suddenly understood how precious life was for the first time. After some reflection on the subject I feel like I have experienced the beginning of life though my baby girl. I learn things from her about myself and where I came from that I didn’t know until now. It makes me sad that I might not be around to see my great grand kids and that I won’t be able to be part of their lives. With these thoughts I have to remind myself that I need to accept the things I can’t control. I have been thinking that I have a good life. I could have been born in a 3rd world country where I had no food to eat and died when I was 3 or I could have been lucky enough to grow up and have a baby of my own only to see them starve to death being powerless to do anything about it. There are countless situations I could have been born into but I was lucky enough to get to adulthood in mostly comfortable conditions where most of my needs are being met. I am also in the situation where I can comfortably provide for my little girl. I feel like after some reflection that life is a gift. No matter how short or long a time we have to live it. I now realize how precious ever single life is after giving birth to one. I am afraid of death and the death of my loved ones but everyone is. I think the reason why I am so afraid is because no one really talks about it. It makes me feel alone when really the fear of death is something that connects us all. If we didn’t fear it then we would never survive. To deny it as a reality is to deny our basic instincts. I bet we spend a lot of energy on fighting our instincts instead of choosing to accept that they are there and move forward. I feel like now that I have a renewed realization of the preciousness of life, I should try and do something to improve the lives of others. I am not sure what I can do but I bet there is something. I want to use that energy to help people live more comfortable lives. Like why would anyone not have enough food to eat or water to drink? and why am I sitting here worried I will die some day? I could just slap myself silly for worrying about that. I am still afraid though, so today I decided to sign up for a women’s self defense class. I am hoping to learn some skills to better protect my family and maybe pass that on to other women. I just wanted to say in closing that these comments and article really helped me reflect on things and now I feel like I can take some steps to accept these thoughts and move past them so that I can enjoy my life with the people I love and in turn the people I love can enjoy living their lives too.

Hi everyone! I have a similar problem. Since I was pregnant with twins I started being scared of/obsessed with death and deformities. I had previous experiences with suicidal thoughts and self injures when I had to travel for six months in Paris to do a part of my studies there. It was my first time away from home alone. For six months I cried every single day and I spent hours crying on the phone with my parents. They just kept talking to me on the phone but they didn’t do anything else. I think that if I had had professional help at that time, I would not have the problems I have now. Suicidal thoughts came back after my delivery. It took mr 3 years to accept my motherhood. I love my kids most of anyone / anything else, but raising two very demanding twins in a foreign country, with an almost always absent father was unbearable. During my pregnancy I started to be obsessed with deformities. After my pregnancy I had postpartum depression, but everyone said that it was normal. I don’t think it was, I was completely unstable all the time and it took me years to be back to a sort of balance. My problem now is that I spend all my time home, I am bored of my life. I work from home, which give some satisfaction (as least I haven’t spent 11 years among different universities for nothing!) but the fact of being a work-at-home mom expose me to the computer for a good part of the day. I still read a lot about death and deformities, I often imagine that my kids could have an accident (God forbid!!!) and the consequences… I read a lot about breast cancer because many people I know had it and it’s something that scares me a lot. I made a lot of progress with meditation and self-help books. My life improved a lot, but I am still bored and find myself during on the next reading about death and deformities when I should be working or doing stuff at home for my family, and I often have scary thoughts about my kids and my husband dying. Shall I seek for professional help?

This might sound wierd to all of you but I’m a 15 year old boy and I just can’t stop thinking about my family dying. I lay awake everything and when I close my eyes i just see me crying and call another relative and tell them please help me, my mother or father are dead. I want to stop thinking about this i don’t know why It keeps happening please make it stop. Most of you are thinking your so young to be thinking about this. You are right but it happens I don’t remember when, how and why is it happening. I have to cry myself to sleep at night knowing that were all going to die.

I’m sorry lots of auto corrects

That must be so scary and awful! I hope you are talking with someone about this. Having these thoughts does not make you weird–it happens to a lot of people, I promise. When it starts to make you lose sleep and worry all the time, it is so much better to talk to your parents and maybe a counselor or therapist. There is no shame in needing help. You are not meant to carry this alone.

Hey buddy, this doesn’t sound wierd AT ALL!! The reason it is happening is possibly because you are dealing with anxiety. Lots of people have anxiety and it is something that is totally treatable. I have it and my son, who is 13, has it too. It’s very stressful to have the kind of constant thoughts you are having, isn’t it? But please know it’s not your fault – it’s just an illness that you can get help for and those thoughts will start to affect you less and less. I’m not sure who you feel comfortable talking to, but you could let your parents know you are having symptoms of anxiety. Or you could talk to your guidance counselor at school. Or if you have a relationship with a safe adult at your religious institution if you have one. You really CAN get help for this. Promise.

Okay so I have the same exact problem this article described my life but I have nobody to talk to and nobody to help me.

P.S. This is my fake name and my fake email address and I just put a random website when I was creating my account.

I recently lost my Mom and Dad.

Perfect love casts out all fear!

We were originally created to live eternally. With no sin or death.

Death is a sad thing but must happen at least once. Due to sin.

Jesus died once for all, for us to live forever in His return to earth. This is called our resurrection. To live again on earth forever as originally planned before the fall.

So accept death but know that when we put our trust in Him as our Lord and Savour, we shall live with Him forever : )

Have hope Have love Have freedom from the evil that brings death and fear!

Praise His name!!

There was a father and two year old girl murdered in a small town a couple hours away from my home recently. The father was murdered and then the two year old kidnapped, murdered in the woods (probably because she was crying and wouldn’t stop and because she saw her Dad killed) and her body burned in the woods after. Ever since I can’t sleep without my LO next to me. I keep thinking if someone came into the house I’d have a better chance of saving him if he was with me. If not I could be sleeping and they could take him and I wouldn’t notice until they were driving off with him. I’m terrified of it…and honestly not sure how to quell this fear. My Grandpa is dying right now and maybe that isn’t helping much…I’m embarrassed to tell my husband about how I feel for fear he’ll laugh at me or think I’m crazy.

Andrea, what a horrific story and so close to your home. This is traumatizing and I’m so sorry. You are not crazy for worrying. It’s natural to want to protect your baby fiercely and when something like this happens near you, you feel vulnerable. Anyone would. If you start to obsess over it and it is effecting your life overall, it might be good to talk with a doctor or counselor to work through it. And talking to your husband can be hard, but it’s good to be honest about what is troubling you. You can say that you know the chance is so small of something happening, and explain that anxiety is coming up becaouse of it anyway. You can’t help that, and there is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes when anxiety was already there, these kinds of things became HUGE. It’s part of how anxiety works and talking about that is what takes the power from it. Peace to you, mama.

I can relate to this article except I dont have kids. Its either my parents or brother. One time, I wanted to cry the whole night because I was thinking of my parents and what I would do if they both got hurt or something real bad.

If I didn’t know the Lord I go out of my mind. I wept like a baby reading about how much love you have for your babies. Lost my brother and dad recently. Iv’e become so blasted paranoid. I’ll go into my moms room in the middle of the night when she’s sleeping and lean over in the dark to make sure she’s breathing. I ‘m SO sick and tired of it. Don’t do anything fun, reckless, it’s not that I feel guilty, it’s…..it’s the paralyzing silent thought that always enters at its own will into my mind whenever it wishes, “i’m lost if I lose her, completely dead in the water”. I’m frozen, I don’t have a body, just me and the ugly black thought. I love getting older so this rotten cycle will be dead and buried soon enough. My dad, brother and mom as well as myself will be in heaven, united, yes how wonderful. Not because, “Everybody goes to heaven”, but because we believe Christ died for our sins, has forgiven us, died on a bloody cross and rose from the dead to BEAT death. PLEASE consider becoming a child of God so you dear, precious folks will have at least some hope of permanent hope. John chapter 3 explains Jesus love and message to us beautifully. If you do not— Jesus will reject you and send you to a burning Hell. Yes, the Bible speaks clearly of a real place where those put there are tormented day and night in a flame that never ceases forever and ever. I’m not a Bible thumper or some creep, but you’re all so sweet to me I want to see you all in heaven. It’s not a fable or fairytale, it’s true. Please don’t put salvation off there’s a reason you stumbled on this post, you know there is.

I don’t know if people still check this page, but my son is 3 and this describes me to a tee. Throughout the day I do a good job of working and letting him go to preschool and keeping my neuroticness under control, but when he’s a sleep I check on him 5 times a night, sometimes I hold him crying to God begging him to never let anything happen to him (i’m not even religious). I don’t know how to stop the fear that sends my heart racing.

It’s so hard, isn’t it? What really helped me was therapy and talking with my doctor. I had severe anxiety and didn’t really know it, because I had learned to cope (often in unhealthy ways) on my own. It wasn’t working. I needed help. I hope you have a doctor or therapist you can trust. If you don’t know where to turn, here is a list of providers around the country–I hope there is one near you: http://postpartumprogress.com/womens-mental-health-treatment-programs-specialists-us-canada-australia

I wrote a little gift book last year about loss. It is called: Nine Friends in Time of Loss. I wrote it anticipating that as I turn 70 next year the inevitable will eventually begin and I will have to deal with the prospects of losing my husband and/or beloved siblings. The premise of the little, gift book is that as we travel through life we will only be as happy as we are able to manage our loss. I began to realize that just as our bodies are designed to heal physically, over time, they are also designed to heal emotionally. That is where our nine internal friends come in. They get us through. But we must allow our body to do what it is made to do and not push away the feelings. We must sob, grieve, etc. And, we don’t our nine Foes will come. Depressing, Fear, Anger, Obsessive thoughts, etc. I wrote that after our first awful four friends come and go – if we did not reject them, that is, our 5th friends Acceptance will come and then Comfort (our 6th) and eventually our ninth friend, Inner Peace– that is only IF we allow our body to do what it naturally is designed/created to do. Ten months after I published the book (this past March right around our birthday) my beloved twin sister was diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer. We since have been fighting and praying for cure. I have been relentless…after U of Minnesota and Mayo gave no hope we landed at MD Anderson in Houston and found hope. We will know more in January but my anxiety has been horrific. I think about this all the time, it has filled my life I cannot imagine a life without my twin even though I have a wonderful husband, children and grandchildren, two close brothers and sister-in-law…I cannot imagine being without my twin. We lost our mother at age 9 and are extremely connected for 60 years! I have read my little book a lot and find comfort….so I must have been led to write it for myself. It has helped to realize there is no short cut with loss. We have to go through it BUT we will survive. The body is made to heal.

Do not forget there are numerous resources. We get so self-absorbed about how we will be when worrying about our loved ones Do not discount meditation, prayer, exercise, talking – using your friends, support groups, etc. Also, mindfulness and gratefulness. There is so much hardship … look for reasons to be grateful.

I am so sick of always being scared. I am 33 already and my son is 15 years old, i have an unbelievable sickening feeling of him dying or me (that I won’t be here to be able to take care of him), my life is nothing without him. I still check up 2/3 a night on him. His father passed away when he was only 11 months old and 4 years ago we were in an armed robbery at home. I battle to fall asleep or stay asleep. I am constantly making sure the doors, windows are locked and the alarm is on, even though i know it is. Sometimes I even imagine noises outside and go paralysed. Always check my phone is where I can reach it easily, panick button next to the bed and my toy gas gun I avoid any large social gatherings as i am scared the venue my be blown up or stampede. I avoid driving far or going on holiday as i am scared of being in an accident. I get what I think is a panic attack as i can breathe, my heart races, i feel dizzy and nauseous and have pain in my chest. I have a lot of pain and burning sensation in my stomach. I am always tired, go bed tired, wake up tired. I don’t know what to do, I think I am going mad. I don’t want to take medication as i always want to be alert.

Sally, I’m so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard to be on alert like this all the time and to feel so scared. It would be really good for you to talk to a therapist. You need help in learning how to not live in so much fear. We all need help sometimes. Talking to your doctor does not mean you have to take medication. But if you tell them about your fear and anxiety, they may be able to give you some insight on what they think you need. Not all medications are sedating, so you could still be awake. As things are, you are very tired. Your body is worn down by anxiety/stress. You need help and I hope you can reach out for that help so you can be free of this. I’m sending you so much peace.

I haven’t had a baby, I’m 23 I am constantly worrying about my parents death and my own death and just death in general. It’s just frustrating as I KNOW it is possible to be accepting of it and to just be in the NOW and enjoy the time I have with them. But my mind is just in overdrive and constantly reminds me of them dying or me becoming elderly and not being able to look after myself?

But then I think of how getting old isn’t a promise to everyone and that freaks me out rather than motivate me to live a full quality life.

I have lived on my own before and I absolutely adored it and was excited and independent. But then I got diagnosed with the most common STI. I had a bad drinking habit which lead to this STI. It wasn’t an addiction but more of an abuse. I am Irish so this is not really a surprise, what I’m thankful for is that I am not an addict.

I do like the comment from Jessica Steely Smith, about our the nine aspects. I can identify with it as I have a twin brother and we were born iin March also! I know I’ve such good potential to be the person I know I am, I feel like the anxiety and depression as a result of it is just holding me back. I don’t agree with medication to it, so I am trying to do this all solo. But it can be so crippling and hard at times.it’s like I’m afraid to move forward as I know that will lead closer to my families death and also mine.

I do believe in some kind of energy that takes care of us. Well I like to believe that I believe in it. It’s trying to FULLY believe it, because if I fully believed then I highly doubt I would be going through any of this.

My parents are fully aware of what is going on, heck, my dad is a counsellor / psychotherapist. I have been going to therapy but had to stop as I am trying to work full time in a crazy busy garden centre and do not have the time to get to therapy. I’ve only graduated but had an overwhelming sense of sadness on the day. Which just made a whole mix of emotions. Just so frustrating.

I’m just hoping and wishing that this will all somehow pass.

I am in the same state of mind myself since losing my only daughter nearly two years ago. I am her Father and do not mind admitting that I have gone from a strong and confident person to worrying everyday for my remaining family and keep breaking down emotionally.

I’m so sorry for your loss and struggle. You are not the only father who feels this way after such grief and loss. I hope you have been able to get some good counseling to work through this. Life will never be the same, but I know it can be better. Peace to you and yours…

Hi My name is Neil and I’m glad I read this and thanks for sharing.I have anxiety and OCD but undiagnosed. I have had the same thoughts since my grandmother died and my Dad left when I was 9 I am now 46.Recently they have got a lot worse I’m not sure why maybe it’s because it’s winter and a lack of light definitely changes my mood.It is interfering with my work and I often find myself crying about the thought of losing my wife or me dying and her being left alone it’s paralysing and swamps my thoughts.I too lock the car door and also have a fear of being attacked in my own home and obsessively check the doors are locked.If anyone knows of any coping strategies I would be interested.I wish their was a support group as group therapy has worked in the past for me.I was prescribed some medication by my GP but was too afraid to take it as the side affects are known to be horrific and I drive for a living and didn’t want to risk time off work or being unwell.Thanks for sharing again.

Neil, I’m sorry you are struggling with this. There are support groups actually. Please google your area and therapy support groups for anxiety. And you might consider talking with a therapist, and when/if you do, bring up OCD. Sometimes this obsessive thinking and re-checking the doors, etc., is caused by anxiety that turns to obsessive compulsive disorder. There is help for this aside from medications. You can ask your GP for a referral to a counselor/therapist. I wish you all the best, and again, I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I’M AMAZED THAT I HAVE FOUND THIS PAGE DESCRIBING HOW I’VE BEEN FEELING SINCE WHEN I STARTED PRIMARY SCHOOL. I REMEMBER WORRYING ABOUT MY MUM WALKING HOME. WOULD SHE BE SAFE? SINCE THEN IT HAS FOLLOWED ME AND I SPEAK TO HER AT LEAST TWICE A DAY OR MORE. I JUST HOPE THAT I GO BEFORE MY MUM AND HUBBY. CRAZY EH? WHEN I WAS 16 AND MY PARENTS WENT ON HOLIDAY WITH FRIENDS I REMEMBER PUTTING SCISSORS IN THE CAR JUST IN CASE THEY WERE IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND COULD NOT GET OUT THEN THEY COULD CUT THEM SELVES OUT!!! TROUBLE IS I’M 49 NOW & THIS WORRY HAS CRIPPLED ME SINCE. WE DON’t HAVE CHILDREN & MY HUSBAND IS 15 YEARS OLDER. SO THAT TOO IS OF A HUGE WORRY TO ME. MY DARLING DAD PASSED AWAY FAR TOO YOUNG (59). I’M NOW HUGELY REGRETTING NOT HAVING CHILDREN BUT CAN ONLY BE IMAGINE HOW I WOULD BE. I DON’T SLEEP WELL AND LISTEN TO MY HUBBY BREATHING AND IF I CAN’T, THEN I CHECK HE’S OK. I FEEL SO ABNORMAL!!!

Tc, some good therapy would be so helpful for you. I’m so sorry you have been suffering with these heavy unwanted thoughts for so many years. There is hope for you though. You might need treatment for anxiety or OCD. It is common and you are not weird or crazy. You have an intense love for the people in your life and it consumes you sometimes. You are good. I hope you can get some help and find freedom from this.

This is so freashing to know I’m not alone. This fear of myself or my loved ones dying has completely consumed me. I spend everyday depressed, scared, crying. I’m in mini nightmares all day. Reading things that truly happen to people like their babies passing or someone being murdered has made this a billion times worse. I feel sick to my stomach and scared all day that my son or daughter would be taken from me, or that I die and miss out on their lives. I’m totally taken over by this. Praying and reading scriptures helps very much but then thoughts return. Please someone help me or give me advise! I’m nursing and I really don’t want to take meds because I already smoke cigarettes! Something I picked up again and this has not helped that issue either. I’m a nervous wreck.

Hi Kimberly, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Therapy would be really good, to work on how to handle those dark thoughts and fears. I know medications are something you want to steer away from, but talking to your doctor may help you make a clear decision about that. Even a low dose of something that is safe for breastfeeding may really help. Here is a list of providers by area. I hope one of them is near you, mama. – http://postpartumprogress.com/womens-mental-health-treatment-programs-specialists-us-canada-australia

I am so sad to see that so many of you feel this way, yet I appreciate everyone who has shared as it truly brings comfort to know I’m not alone.

I am a Mom of two, my kids are 5 and 7. I have always struggled with a bit of anxiety but it really reached a fever pitch in November of 2013. A lot of stress had built over a few years. College courses, getting married, moving several times, bills, two small children and being a SAHM was a lot to handle. I reached a point where my anxiety was though the roof. Around this time we had moved into a house across the street from another family. When we moved in, we learned that the mom had recently experienced a heart attack and a stroke (she was 35 years old). She lived, but needed a heart transplant right away. This was enough to trigger a fear of something happening to myself or my family. I am a person of faith and believe in eternal life in heaven. My fear is more centered around what my children will feel when I am gone. My son is extremely resilient, no fear of death or dying whatsoever. My daughter, however, is prone to anxiety as well and I know if someone closer to her were to pass away, she would be absolutely thrown into a tailspin.

As I said, I am a person of faith and I believe God would give my family or myself strength in tragedy, but it is hard to fight the thoughts and feelings all the time. I believe my anxiety is a sin. God did not create us to live in fear, yet I’m still holding onto these feelings…

As far as treatment, I saw my doctor and was put on medication in 2013. At the time I didn’t have a choice, I was so debilitated I couldn’t leave my house. Within a week, I felt much better. Over the next year, I kept taking my medication but did not like the fact that I had gained 30 lbs and felt almost lethargic every day. I made the decision to wean myself off the medication and seek a natural approach. I have found Ayurvedic supplements and several vitamins and minerals that help, but I still struggle at times. Holidays are particularly hard because I always fear something happening to one of us during the holidays and the remaining family having to remember that each holiday season. It’s so difficult. I feel worse when I let it get to me and I’m not the best wife/mom I can be because of it. I feel I should be savoring every moment. But you simply can’t stop living your life, disciplining your kids, addressing issues with your spouse etc just because of the fear of losing them. It’s all very complicated. I am thinking of seeking someone to talk to because I truly don’t think anyone should have to live this way. Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads this and everyone brave enough to share!!!

Thank you for sharing your story, mama. You are so brave, and you’re right, it would be good to talk with someone. Counseling is so beneficial, I can’t say that enough. Peace to you, dear one.

How did you fix this horrible anxiety? I can’t stop thinking I’m going to die and leave my 3 little kiddos. I keep praying but i I think I may need medication or essential oils.

Hello Kris, what works best for most mamas is a combination of talk therapy and medications. Not all mothers want/need medication, but it can often be the doorway to getting better. It doesn’t have to be forever. Please talk with a doctor and work with them on a treatment plan that is individual to you and what you are going through. You can certainly get better, it just takes time and help. Peace, mama.

Thank God I had the courage to google my feelings and resulted to your blog! I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to these thoughts and was too scared to share them with others in fear of being told that I was crazy lol. I feel so much better with your and everyone else’s stories shared on here. Praying for us! Thank you!

Thank you for your reply. I did get on medication. My doctor was supportive but coupdate tell I wasn’t myself. And I know I’m not. I keep thinking I have cancer and I don’t. I had a lump under my arm and it is a fat tissue (lipoma) but I can’t stop playing with my armpit. I just keep almost trying to find something wrong with me. My panic and anxiety is truly out of control. I keep praying but the devil keeps winning. I just can’t imagine me not being here for my 3 littles. Anyway, hoping this medicine kicks in because I’m so tired of feeling this way. Thinking of you mommas and I’m sorry we go thru this.

hello ! i am extremely glad that i came across this site. I am a psychiatrist by profession. i always was a slightly anxious person by nature but in last couple of weeks i suddenly started developing fear of my husband dying. he has been staying in US for completing his studies and its been almost 7 months that we have not met. Whenever i thought of it, i used to have intense anxiety, a feeling of impending doom, suicidal thoughts just imagining my life without him and then i used to cry on and off for hours together. Also i was dieting and severely exercising since 3months before all this started and had my postgraduate exams within a month of beginning of these episodes. i ultimately decided to consult my professor and have started meds. it seems to depression with obsessive thoughts. though all my fear and anxiety has not abated, i am not crying as much and my mood seems to have certainly improved. and its been just a week since i began with the meds. i feel really glad to come across this blog and know that there so much empathy and support that generates just by sharing our individual stories. and i strongly urge that please dont shy away from taking medications because that can change life!

Hi my name is Kelly I have 4 children 3 with my husband who died when I was 23 and 1 with my partner now. It was a hard few years when my husband first died I went off the rails and I got over protected with the kids like going on bikes going in the sea going on fair ground ride always seeing the worsted ending but these last couple of month it stared to get worse am always thinking am going to die and leave my kids am thinking about my funeral wot song I want my kids to play hoping it won’t hurt them to much when am gone never seeing them grow up and having kids of them getting married . How will look after them when am gone . I seam to be always thinking the worst am always checking doors and window making sure there shut and looked just in case someone try’s to get in . I feel like am always on my kids case thinking when there out something going to happen to them always telling them I love them just in case I don’t see them again . Iv even sat here thinking that I can’t lose one of my kids I couldn’t live without them . I know this could be because my husband went to work one day and we never saw him again he had a accident at work the resulted to his death but it’s getting worse these feeling only thing that has happen lately is a co worker same age as me died and left her little girl and son I can’t even look them in the eye with out filling up . And if anyone’s cry I don’t seem able to cumfort them I seem to push a lot of ppl away as well . I feel like am cracking up please could u help me yours Kelly xx

Hello Kelly, thank you for reaching out. It would be good for you to consider getting professional help if that’s an option for you. Some counseling would be so good for you, mama. You’ve been through a lot and it makes sense that you would struggle like this. But you don’t have to keep struggling with this anxiety. You are meant to be free of it and you are worthy of being free of it. We all worry to some extent, but when it takes over your life, there is help for that. I hope you can make that phone call and get an appointment. Then when you talk with a therapist, you could see what they think about a plan for getting better. I’m sending you so much peace.

I’ve never had the courage to let anyone know how I felt, I think it has something to do with the Idea of being tough and that all single moms are supposed to be strong. I have this constant fear of losing my son and it makes me sad. I remember coming home from the hospital, I starred at him, crying, balling my eyes out because I thought I was going to lose him. I felt like the worst mother in the universe. My mother would help me get out of my crying spells and it would help but I just couldn’t shake that thought out of my head. Then at two months old my sons father passes away and I was left in shock, my anxiety got worse It got so bad that my mind started to have its own thoughts. I didn’t want anyone around my child because they were going to get him sick, I wanted to move into a cave. I still to this day over think little things i will be at school and have to rush out of class so that I’m able to FaceTime my son and see what he’s doing it gets really bad to the point where I don’t even want to take him out because I think a bee is going to sting him ???? I don’t want to be selfish, i want to show him the world Ive just had a rough life myself . Oh by the way my names Rachel Iam 25 years old and my baby is 16 months

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss and grief. You have been through so much. What you are describing sounds like Postpartum OCD and Postpartum Anxiety. I hope you have been able to reach out for help. I know that is so hard to do, but we all need help sometimes, especially after going through such horrible things. It may really help you to join our private forum to get some support and feedback from mamas who know exactly how you feel about the fears of losing your boy. There are so many of us, and that’s too bad, but at least we’re in it together.

Here is the link for that – https://www.smartpatients.com/partners/postpartumprogress

I think more people should practice saying I love you everytime they say goodbye to their loved ones. Ensuring safety isn’t crazy but dwelling on all the bad things that could happen just gives you undue stress. Our loved ones who passed on must feel like yelling out loud..”Stop wasting your time worrying and do something. Life is too short!” Our guardian spirits are likely shaking their heads wondering what kind of trouble is my human getting themself into now? The loss of a loved one is an earthshattering experience that can make your reality feel unreal. Words won’t offer 100% comfort and time just helps us cope with our loss. Take some time everyday to meditate and write down your feelings on paper. Death – the last sleep-? No, it is the final awakening -Walter Scott

Hi sorry this is Raquel again I guess I wrote my story wrong my baby was not the one who passed away, his dad was the one who passed away. i started noticing my postpartum as soon as I got home from the hospital with my baby, I could not stop crying, I would cry and cry because I thought for some odd reason he was going to die. It was really strange I couldn’t enjoy being a mom because all I did was cry and worry. my mom would help me get over these crying spells by assuring me that my baby was perfectly fine, and it would help but I would catch myself freaking out because I was so alone. His father who I miss dearly wasn’t really around to help me which made it a lot worse he was battling his own personal issues which later led him to die ????. I still have these weird thoughts from time to time but I’ve managed to go to school. I rush out of class to FaceTime my baby because I feel the need to see his face almost every minute that I’m away but I’m suree all moms feel this way. I still have these moments where I will freak out and not want to take my baby outside because I feel like he’s going to get stung by a bee. I feel like I’m being selfish with my child but there’s so much out in this world and it scares me and I don’t want to feel this way but it’s so hard for me not to be a worrier.

Thank you heather king I will definitely do that

Hello everyone! I am a girl 18 years old and i have been facing with this problem for almost 3 years now. I have very scary thoughts that any of my family members would die. I get up every night at 2, 3 oclock just to check if they are breathing especially my mother. I dont go to sleep if i dont br sure if she breaths.I have sleeping disorder i dont sleep before 3 oclock. I cry almost every night , cry for hours . My heart beat very fast my stomach feel upset . I also chech electric housholds in case of fire. I have very bad thoughts , i always thing of bad things happend to us i just cant stop myself thinking this way. I pray to god everyday many times a day. I dont let anyone seeing me crying. This scary thoughts i havent tell to anybody. I just look normal and the majority of people think that i dont cry or even i dont feel sad and hopless because i am very funny most of the time with my friends mabye that is a way i camouflage myself. In unconcious way i make myself a very happy person with a perfect life but in reality i am anxious. When my mom goes out i call her thousands of time just to check if she is allright. I remember when i was a child i have periods of time i behave just like now but it was only a month or two and everything disapper but nowdays it has became part of my day, it has became part of me. Sometimes i think that it is in out character and it doesnt change . I am so tired of this , it doesnt let me live a peacful day, a peaceful life i am anytime in alarm, i feel all the time anxios. I remember one day , a couple of months ago my mom was feeling sick and she told me i am not feeling well so we arent going to the beach today. My heart start to beat faster and i wasnt breathing normally i feel that i wasnt getting enough air and after some minutes i find myself laying in my bad. I fainted. And the only reason because of anxity and sadness. I always think bad thinks. Please give me some advice how to start thinking in positive way. Thank you

Thank you for being brave enough to post this – these thoughts make it soooo hard for me to sleep at night! Right now for instance I’m crying about it and 2 years postpartum I feel like it’s getting worse rather than better.

A huge part of my anxiety is seeing my parents and family members get older. I never felt like this before having a child! Plus working FT I feel like crying hysterically over the past two years I’ve missed. I can look at newborn pictures and just cry for a good hour. Of course all of these thoughts decide to appear at night when it’s time for bed and to relax 🙁 during the day I’m fine. At night out of nowhere all the emotions come up. The holidays make it even worse – I think about my Grandparents not being around, not meeting my child, my parents getting older and it all just goes downhill from there. Have any tips on how to get out of this cycle? and can you even have postpartum two years later?!

Have you gotten any help, mama? This can be related to anxiety or postpartum OCD…knowing if that is what you have been dealing with would help you so much. Some therapy would help so much. Have you gotten any help?

I’m ten and I think about me or my family dying every night I don’t know what to do and every night it takes me hours to sleep an I cry until I fall asleep I feel like I can’t tell anyone what should I do

Oh sweet Taryn, I’m sorry. My heart hurts for you. You should not have to worry like this. There is help for you. If you haven’t talked to your family, that might be the best place to start. Maybe show a parent this comment in response to you. Because there is professional help for this. Your thoughts are what are called Intrusive Thoughts. Sometimes they come from anxiety (extreme worry and fear feelings) and sometimes they come because your brain is kind of like on repeat with the thoughts. That isn’t your fault, it sometimes just happens to a brain. It’s like if you think about something enough, your brain will kind of memorize it and refuse to let it go. But if you can start therapy for it (counseling with a professional who can teach you how to deal with these thoughts) you can get through it and stop having these thoughts so much. You need sleep and you should be able to feel happy and free. Please talk to someone you trust or show them this comment. Don’t be embarrassed. This is a common problem and it isn’t because something bad is about to happen. It is your mind working over-time on your fears. I wish that didn’t happen, but it does. I know how you feel and I hope you get some help. Our email is [email protected] if you or a loved one wants to email us for more information. Hang in there, Taryn.

Kathy, you are not alone. I had a panic attack last night over the earthquake that’s 50 years overdue here in West TN. I imagined I would be killed first and my kids (4&2) wouldn’t have anyone to fight for them. (My husband is a truck driver and the odds of him being here when it happens are slim) I also imagined not being able to get to one, or both, and hearing them die in pain. Or disaster relief taking so long that they starve.. I just hate spending time an energy on these things when I should be cherishing every minute I have with them. Anyway, I rambled way too much. Rest assured you’re not alone and then you for the article.

I don’t want to exactly say I have this yet. But I do fear of family dieing in a mass shooting. (Mostly my mom) after everything that happens in Orlando and in Paris I fear and angry worker will go into my moms work and shoot up the place.

Thank you so much for sharing…I feel so alone. My son is 10 and I still have these awful, debilitating fears. I probably need some therapy…Seriously thank you for speaking out.

Penelope, yes, please consider some therapy. This can get better! I’m sending you peace.

I am 64, soon to be 65. I remember growing up and being afraid of my mom dying, as well as my grandmother on my mom’s side. These were family members I was extremely close to. When I had children of my own, I continue to fear something bad happening to them. Now, I have two grandchildren, and my fear is happening with them, as well. I have horrible vivid nightmares of something terrible happening to them, even death. I don’t watch the news, and don’t have tv capability. I try to live my life without knowing there is anything bad going on anywhere. I was with my grandchild, 7, yesterday at a park. He ran from me down a wooded trail, with me calling for him. He didn’t answer. I ran for him and caught up with him. I was frantic by the time I got to him. I was so afraid that someone was going to grab him. There is so much meanness these days, and it continues to get worse. I live every day in fear. It is a terrible way to live! I am considering going to a counselor.

Please do go to a counselor, Chelia. You have been living with this a long time, and you need to be free of it, to have more peace. Thank you for sharing your story. It would be good to talk with a therapist, maybe one that knows about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I’m sorry you’ve been tortured by these thoughts for so long.

Thank you, Heather, as tears flow. I realize after all these years, there is help for this. A dear friend suggested I go to the same type therapist, only a few weeks ago. I found one in my area. Now is the time for me to seek professional help. It is never too late. Thank you for reaching out to me. I pray that anyone who reads my story will seek help right away and not continue to suffer as I have. Blessings to you, Heather, and to each of you suffering. My hope is that each story brings awareness to those suffering that there is help. Seek it!

I know it really isn’t my place to comment on this. As a male, I cannot fully understand PPD and the issues surrounding pregnancy and seperation. But your description of your anxiety fits completely with my own experience currently. I am the proud father of a beautiful 1 year old girl. I often joke with friends that I couldn’t bear another right now because I don’t know if my heart can hold that much love and worry. But in quiet its not a joke. IMy wife is an adult, i am an adult, I can rationalise our mortalities to some degree. But this beautiful innocent child in my care. The idea that even one day many many decades in the future she might cease to be living hurts so bad. I am worried that my doting over her and letting her know I love her so often (usually with kisses that right now she really doesn’t want, she just wants to be chasing the cats! or stealing my glasses! haha) that I will make her an anxious child. So i try to be conscious and careful not to smother her with worry and love. Sorry for the monologue, i just wanted to thank you for giving me this chance to feel not so alone for a moment. Thank you for all you Moms do.

What a good dad you are! Your baby needs that love. She will thrive in self-confidence and stability because of it. I know it’s so intense, and so scary. I have lived in a lot of fear about my three children. For me, it has gotten better with time, and with going through the inevitable hard things that arise. Each time, they are okay. I am okay. We are okay. Even if we’re not okay for a while. And I start to see that the WORST is more rare than my brain wants to make it. My heart wants there to be NO chance of anything bad happening to them. I know that’s not reality. But every day I have to use the tools I’ve learned in counseling to keep from sinking. It gets easier. I highly recommend therapy. It just helps to speak your truths–it steals the power from them. And then there is always good feedback and advice in how to accept life on its terms. Peace to you, good dad!

God bless all of you. Find the peace in Jesus Christ Almighty God. It has helped med alot. ????

Yes @Lisbeth! He has been the only thing to help me overcome my anxiety! I pray to Him to remove my scary thoughts that I’ve learned come from the Devil. As I pray I receive such peace and calming. Thank you for putting that out there! Xo

I really love my mom. Im below 15 but above 12 years old and my mom is about 54. I have the constant fear that she will die soon and i cant get the moment of where in the movie forrest gump sits by his dying mother and i cant get out of my mind that that will happen to me. Sometimes i stay up late and cry about it at night.

Oh I’m sorry. If this thought is with you a lot and effecting you every day, you may need to get some help. That’s okay, we all need help sometimes. You are brave to talk about it here, and you are not alone with these fears. Please speak to someone you trust if you feel like this is making life hard for you. I’m sending you peace.

I know this is an old article, but I’m so happy I found it. I have been feeling as if I have anxiety for about 6 months. It started out little by little. I started trying to find out what was my problem. I took all these online anxiety tests sine I didn’t want to talk to my parents about it (l’m 15) cause my mom doesn’t think it is anything serious. They all showed that I could develope anxiety soon or that my anxiety levels are above average. For a while I kind of forgot about it. I had one minor panic attack. Around 2 months ago I started to really worry about what could happen to my lovef ones. I couldn’t find any explanation to my fears. And now I finally found this article. It completely describes mu feelings. Thank you for writing this article. I am truly thankfull.

The only thing is- I’m not a parent nor am I pregnant. My family doesn’t even have a baby. I guess what I’m asking is – can I still have PPA?

You could not have postpartum anxiety, but it’s possible you have chronic anxiety and some obsessive thinking, which can be treated professionally as OCD for some people. We are not medical professionals here. We are here for support for mothers, but my advice is to talk with someone you trust who can help you walk the road of getting professional help. These conditions are treatable! All the best to you….

Wow I am going through the same thing. Like word for word. I thought I was the only one. Or sometimes I even thought I was having some kind of preminition. It keeps me up at night and I just bawl my eyes out. I swear if anything happened to my husband or my son I might as well be dead. Yet all I can do is think of bad things happening to them sometimes. I try to change my thoughts but it is so hard. I don’t know what the answer is but no that u are not alone

Found this post after googling “depression family member dying of cancer”. My mother in law is currently in the hospital after discovering late-stage pancreatic cancer just a month ago, and she has deteriorated to the point of being bed-bound, hooked up to oxygen, morphine, saline drips, a food tube that she couldn’t handle so they had to remove it. She is a shell of a person she was a year ago. She had lost a lot of weight in the last year, and I’d noticed it at our wedding last summer, but she said it was just due to ‘stress’. Little did I know what kind of stress she was going through. I have the same fears you all mention. I noticed the fear when I was a child, probably around 10 or so years old. I would get sick a lot and be in a lot of pain. I also had undiagnosed infections that my parents thought were allergies, and not knowing what was wrong with me and fearing I would die as a child, it instilled in me some serious OCD habits that I still have today – it was an aversion to germs because I was afraid that I would get sick if I touched sink knobs without kleenex, and I developped a mantra that I still repeat in my mind today if I am locking a door or shutting off a light. So this current event is bringing out those same fears, specifically, that I am too old to have a child (I am 36), or that I will be too sick to have a child (I have some ongoing health issues that might affect my well being). I have the same fears of saying I love you, and it brings out the OCD patterns that I have, same as the door and light switch. I have always had anxiety my entire life, as long as I can remember. I tested postitive on the 23andMe.com saliva DNA test (uploaded to GeneticGenie.com) to find out that I have the ‘warrior gene’ mutation, which basically means unlike normal people, I don’t break down cortisol hormone as fast as I should, which is the fight or flight hormone from adrenals, so when that builds up, I feel anxious and want to fight, or take flight, essentially. (I take 400mg SAMe and 600mg Ashwagandha to regulate my cortisol production naturally, no man-made meds). A lot of people have this apparently. Its an evolutionary trait. So perhaps the small comfort you might all take in having this condition is that the fear keeps you alive…its genetically programmed to be there so that you and your children survive. I hope this brings some comfort to you, and thanks for sharing all your stories. I really do identify with them.

This sounds addentical to how I feel, I do the same exact things and i have the same exact thoughts only its with my boyfriend, I can’t help but worry about him all the time, I know this triggered me when I lost someone I used to date along time ago in a freak car accident, and then another time I was kind of seeing this other guy but ended up not being with him and I think it was supposed to be that way because God or someone knew I couldn’t deal with that kinda pain, so we never ended up making it official, he too ended up passing away in a car accident. It was one of the worst passing a I had to deal with and affected me greatly because I felt so connected to this person on a level that was so deep and I never really felt that with anyone else since. Kinda like kindred spirits. Anyways Iv always been fascinated with death but After all this I realy looked into stories about near death experiences and people who claimed to pass and come back to life after flat lining for awhile and share their experiences, their is many great books out there that talk about the subject and are really eye opening about our purpose here on earth and just the journey of it all life and the perspectives of people who experience pass life aggressions and near death, I know just based on my personal experiences that this life isn’t the end because of the many encounters I had with my friend who passed, I also am a sensitive person and at times have psychic abilities which I believe ALL OF US possesses because we are all spiritual beings having an earthly experience, but unfortunately a lot of us are so sucked into and blinded by the some of the things in our society that keep up from opening those doors. I know everyone at some point in their lives have experienced somthing that is other worldly, whether it’s a déjà vu, yes a déjà vu! It’s a very common thing people experience and every time I have one I know that I am seeing a glimps of the path that was made for me to follow, it’s so familiar because you have seen your whole life plan before you were born and when you have a déjà vu you are simply being told your on the right track again in life. Have you ever experienced this during knew phases in your life? Or even on random occurrences? Have you ever been able to predict what happen before your déjà vu ended because you remembered it so well? Those I like to think are simply our memories to our life path, sorry I started ranting about this stuff but I wanted to bring this up because these books and. Researching and listening to other people’s stories really helped me realize and see deeper into life, if you are interested in checkin out one of these books I would love to suggest one called “journey of the souls” by ph Michael Newton if you enjoy that book he wrote another called “destiny of the souls” please be open minded to these books if you have lost a love one and need some healing, make time to get away from everyday noise and go for a nature walk, it’s so healing connected with all the living things around you, you will begin to open up. Dispite all this I will always have a fear of losing the person I love so much, and I think it’s normal because we don’t want to experience life without them, and as we grow up losing loved ones make us realize how important it is to make sure we love each other and also makes us realize how quickly earthly life moves, but it can get to a point of being unhealthy which does happen to me and I have to remind myself that the soul never dies, so my earthly brain likes to mess with my feelings and scare the shit out of me, but my soul knows deep down there is nothing to fear and that we all have a better place to go once our lessons are over. also know that our thoughts are strong and that the things we think and say get put out there in the world so think positive as much as you can and surround your love ones with positive thoughts instead of negative ones! I know it’s hard but don’t let your Brian mess with you! EVERYTHING WILL BE OK!

From a young age I thought about death constantly praying to god and mentioning every one of my family by name over and over again in the hope they will live for ever. One day my dad bought a dog, my cat wouldn’t come in again after that she died in winter and was found frozen stiff on a neighbours garden path. Not only did I not forgive my dad and hated the dog, I then gave up on praying so intently because I knew my prayers would not come true. I have lived with this ever since. Going through what all have you here experienced, marriage, children intense love of your close Family members and paranoid worry, anxiety etc of them dying. I went through OCD where I would wash my hands over and over, lock doors 20 times counting 1, 2,3 etc obsessively then feeling on the 20 th it was locked. I got it down to 10 eventually as I knew I was turning into a complete nutcase. I worry about dying not for my self but as others here that I will not see my family again and how will I live with out them. My dad died suddenly the heart break I felt was dreadful but the only advice I can come up with is the fact you have to shut rubbish out of your mind, not an easy thing to do. Talk to your close one my husband is fantastic. He understands my craziness and says he would be at a loss without me but we gave to accept the inevitable. Wrap your arms often and hug your family and friends but try not to pass on your unhealthy thoughts because that’s what they are. Like a cold you will pass them on and you do not want your child to suffer your thoughts. I do my best to keep mine in check its difficult. I have moments of sheer panic and desperation I write poetry and frankly it’s very depressing when I read it back but getting it out on paper makes it explainable to myself then I throw it away. Looking at this forearm shows just how many people suffer. I do believe somehow we replant like flowers and our energy goes on. Fingers crossed, my dad died on a sunny rainbow day with light rain and when I see one I feel he is there, just as I feel my father in law tapping the back of my hand as he often did. Small memories, small smiley things , this surely must be more than death, I hold onto these thoughts and it helps me.

I have never been to the doctors nor will I that’s upto you but I try to develop coping skills and appreciative the everyday wonderful things that life and family brings. That’s not easy but I hope I’ve helped some one here. Life is for living so live it and make it wonderful. Vin

I completely understand everything you have been through. I have lost almost everything. I lost about half of my family because of either cancer or because of something I have done. I lost my great-grandmother when I was 10 and I was really close to her. My cat died when I was 10 and she was the same age as I was and that’s when the whole thing started for me. Then when I was trying to get close to people they would leave me. I always thought it was something I have done. And I was bullied and hurt physically and emotionally which made me even more depressed. I’m sorry for everything that you have been through….and i am sorry that I brought you into a story of my life i was just trying to level with you on a bit of a different level and let you know that your not alone on it.

I actually burst into tears when I read this – I just thought to myself “I’m not crazy, someone else thinks this too”. I lost my nan at ten years old, then my grandparents, then my grandad at 13. Then my other nan at 24. I think I just got it into my head that now I’d had a baby I’d somehow fastracked my parents towards death… they’re grandparents now. And it terrified me. Maybe that’s the reason why I waited until 30 to have a baby. I was so happy in my childhood cocoon growing up there was no desire to move forward in life x

Original poster – can u tell me if these fears subsided since you posted thus almost 6 years ago I’m so lost. I’m at 3 years and I need hope that it gets better

Temma, are you receiving any kind of professional help?

I have the same exact problem except im 20 and when i have one of these rounds i dont know what to do, it makes me think about my beautiful daughter my parents and my family this never happened until a couple months afyer i had my little one i never understood what it was until i read this it kind of gave me a relief that im not crazy and im not the only one it happens to but i wish there was something to help it go away.

Jackie, there is something that will help it go away. The right treatment–counseling/therapy that addresses the obsessive thoughts would help greatly. I hope that’s an option for you!

Hi all, I’m a 29 year old mother of a 7 year old girl and currently pregnant with another girl due march 2017. I always had anxiety issues, when I was a kid I had repetitive thoughts of my mum dying or being killed while she is alone at home. When I got pregnant with my first daughter I started to get anxiety again , this time about my husband, his father died of sarcoma cancer at the age of 33 when my husband was 6 years old. I constantly worry that its something congenital and my husband is going to die of cancer. Now after having a miscarriage last march I keep thinking that my daughter is going to get cancer … it is so frustrating, I can’t enjoy life as the thoughts are 24/7 .. everytime I look at my daughter I can’t enjoy her because all I think of is losing her. I’m not enjoying this pregnancy either although i feel kicks all the time I can’t even bond with this baby. Finding this website was a huge relief .. I’m not going crazy and maybe there is cure after all.

I just googled this to normalize my own experience and I’m very glad I found you. It’s past midnight and yet, my mind races with thoughts of one of my sons being taken away from me. My youngest is 2.5 so you’d think I’d be past all the postpartum stuff by now. I do know that my fear of mortality has been with me since I was a teenager. It got way worse though after having children because they are utterly irreplaceable-my whole world is my children. I don’t really have a solution but I think this; just talking it out inline with others who share the same things does help some. Thank you for sharing this. ❤️

I am 4 months postpartum and a first time mother. I live every second in paralyzing fear that my daughter will be taken from me. Its very isolating so I too, search on the internet for someone who shares in this pain. I am currently in counseling and group therapy…but for now, this post and these comments are bringing me comfort. thank you to everyone who shares their story on here.

I have read this. I have a lot of issues with this kinda thing as well. But mostly with losing someone I really love and care about. He’s the most amazing person I have ever met and I am so afraid that one day he’s just going to just leave me and I don’t know what I can do about it. My parents have told me to focus on the now and not think about him possibly leaving but it’s easier said then done. I just hate that nobody understands where I am coming from when I say all of this. He doesn’t understand how much he means to me and how much I care about him too. I have told so many people that if he leaves then I am very screwed with my life. And it’s true. For once in my life I have found someone who my parents like, and who I like too. I don’t have anyone else to say anything to about this because it could just find a way to make someone know my weakness. If anyone wants to respond to this to help me on this situation then please do.

Hello. I just had my first baby girl 7 months ago. I have 2 older boys.. I have never thought about dying but now I am thinking about it at least 5 to 20 times a day. When I look at my baby I just think how i want us to all ways be together. I get so scared and all most can’t breath. I think because my oldest is 15 I know how fast it went and I feel like my life is over. I even look at people That are older than me and wonder how they can live every day knowing they have such little time left and I am like obsessed with this! I never told anyone. I want to know that I will be with my fam in the next life..

Hi Maria. I’m so sorry you’re struggling like this. I want you to know that it can and will get better with help. It sounds like you may be experiencing symptoms of PPOCD. I am not diagnosing you, just speaking from experience: It would be very helpful to talk to a doctor or therapist about this. Here is our list of specialists by area. http://postpartumprogress.com/womens-mental-health-treatment-programs-specialists-us-canada-australia I really hope someone is near you. If not, you may want to try looking at resources on Postpartum Support International’s website as well, or Google your area and look for doctors/therapists that specialize in postpartum mental health. Or, please see your regular doctor or therapist and talk about your symptoms, if that’s an option for you. You are not alone.

My boyfriend of two years passed away 4 months and I’ve been researching stuff on the internet because I feel crazy all the time. I don’t feel like anything is real anymore and I think about death 24/7 I always think how does someone just leave in the blink of an eye. My mom is all I have and she’s starting to get old and I’m so scared of her leaving me. I pray all the time that she gets to see me graduate college. Before my boyfriend passed away me and my mom didn’t get along good and not really until two months ago but now I always make sure to say kind things to say and tell her I love her and sometimes I’ll just start crying because I can’t loose her. I can’t loose anyone again I couldn’t take it. My boyfriend was my bestfriend and everything to me

I had to google some things this morning because I feel as though I am going mad- then I found this post and I actually cried reading it. I have one little boy who is four soon and I am pregnant with my second child. This should be a happy time but I had chickenpox at 7 weeks of pregnancy and I have to wait until 16 weeks to have a specialised fetal scan (I am currently 15 weeks) to check that everything is OK. It has been very stressful so I am sure this has contributed to my anxiety but I constantly worry about death. About my son dying or my husband dying or myself dying and what my little boy would do if his mommy died. It paralyses me with fear and I can’t seem to shake the negative thoughts. Its constant and I don’t know how t change my thoughts back to positive. Obviously I go about my day and think about work or plans etc but these thoughts are constantly creeping in. I am starting to think there is something wrong with me. To read this and know that I am not the only one gives me some solace.

I’m not postpartum but I have these fears of my death

I did not know other folks did this. For real. I was diagnosed with pp anxiety four years ago. I have to pull over sometimes because I am so paralyzed I cannot drive. I spend all night trying to sleep but just trying to tell my daughter I love her. I even cosleep just because it is too scary to be alone.My kid is 4. I was not like this before. I feel freaked out all the time. No meds or therapy has helped. I was hoping it would go away. I do tone=s of yoga and hike and farm to no avail. I feel sorry for my husband and friends

I have actually been feeling this way for some time now. I moved to another state shortly after I got married to provide a better life for my future kids. Ended up having 4 years of miscarriages and fertility struggles. Finally was blessed with a beautiful baby boy. I fell down the stairs when he was 8 months old and my parents flew out fir a couple of weeks to help my husband with the baby so that he could help me. Went through rehab for my knee only to have surgery a couple of weeks ago. My parents flew back out to help again. Every time I see them, they seem to age more and more. My dad only stays fit a short period if fine because he has a hard time with the weather and altitude in CO and they live in CA. My mom has always been the string one but even she is starting to age not that she recently retired. I have feelings of guilt for moving away and not letting them enjoy thier one and only grandson. We Skype regularly but it’s not the same. I am terrified of losing them. My mom and I but heads whenever we visit with each other and towards the end ifceach trip, I feel so guilty about it and apologize because I never know if that will be the last time I get to hug her or them. She thinks I have PPD that I never got taken care of. My son is now 15 months old and I thought I would be better by now but feel I am the same if not worse. I don’t want to just me drugged up and falsely put into a happy place just to lose my parents or loved one. I wake up wanting to cry and wish I could move back to be closer to them but can’t afford it and they couldn’t live out here for health reasons. I somet He’s feel like my husband would be better off without me if I weren’t here but then I think of my son and what it would do tdo him to be without a mother. I really have never been so down like this before and don’t know if this is gods way of preparing me of something that is coming or if I am just losing it. I want to be a good mother and wife and daughter but feel this fear and sadness and guilt is just consuming me. 🙁

I accidentally got here and I can’t believe there are people like me. I feel exactly like that and struggling with such thought trying to replace thought with positive ones. It’s like you have given words to my thoughts. I have never shared with anyone coz I am scared to even utter them. I also think of law of attraction, if law of attraction really work than soon it’s going to happen oh god it’s so scary I am scare to write. Please let me know if you find solution to all this.

You just described me and my feelings exactly. I can honestly say that for me, that fear has never gone away and is just as paralyzing now as it was when my sons were little ( they are 18-20 ). The feeling is definitely more intense with my sons but it also applies to everyone I love and hold dear. The thoughts are very hard to control and I find they run away with me easily. terrifying and devastating to live with. I totally get this.. Every word. Thank you for sharing this subject on your blog. I didn’t know there were others out there who go through this. It’s nice to not be alone but sad that we go through this.. <3

You have described my reality. When I typed “I run through scenarios of my kids dying in my head” I didn’t expect to actually find anything, so thank you for sharing your experiences. I watched my little sister die in an accident when I was 16 and intrusive death thoughts have hounded me the last 11 years.

I know this post is many years old but I just came across it. I have 4 children oldest 2 are adopted and I birthed a 7 yr old and now 6 month old baby. I have always fear death for most of my life but after my 7 yr old was born it became so much worse even now 7 yrs later. I think about death every single day and have so much anxiety about the worse case scenarios that will probably never happen and it’s always just about her. Maybe because she’s my firs born. It’s so bad that I have literally become so obsessed that my night time prayers are more of a routine now where if I don’t pray for my children that God will take them away from me. It’s a horrible thing to live with every day and it just seems like no one understands. I mentioned this feelings and thoughts to my ob after my recent baby and of course he made me feel crazy by asking if I would hurt myself or my children. It’s more assuring though to know others go through it too. Thank you.

This is nearly word for word how I’ve been feeling the past two years since my son was born. It’s to the point to where I hate letting him be babysat by anyone. Whether it’s his aunt or grandma idc I don’t trust them. I feel like me and his father are the only ones that can keep him safe. I don’t mind taking him places out exploring and to relatives houses, I just can’t stand to leave him there. My husband and I have maybe two date nights a year because the anxiety of leaving my little boy behind is so overwhelming that Ivan barely enjoy the date. Or I feel like I’m abandoning my son like he’s being shoved out of the fun or neglected. He’s also my first so I’m sure that has a little something to do with it. Glad to know it’s just postpartum though and not some psychic visions warning me of the death of my loved ones. However I don’t think I’ll ever give up on casting out mental safety nets around them to keep them safe. Call me crazy but idc.

Omg its like i m typing all this.i m constantly worried about my daughter, its just getting worse.my daughter is 13 months old.

It’s like I just read a mini book of myself and found out exactly what is wrong with me,just scared to ask for help and probably just continue dealing with it like I have. Each year it gets worse and worse. 17 year old twin daughters and a 13 year old son make it hard on me. True s***. Thanks more then I can say!

Omg YES. Exactly what you said.

So what is it that’s wrong with me? This fear of loss/death?!! it’s not as extreme as this I just have the thoughts of Losing my partner/child and it’s just unbearable, to make matters worse I’m pregnant with number 2 and Me being having these thoughts on occasion just really stress me out, I panic slightly and cry as if Iam actually experiencing the loss, or I think if I died how it would affect my daughter.. what do I do now it’s somewhat reassuring that I’m not alone and that this has a “name” but what now? Is this fear going to grow as I age? I find it’s spilling into everyday life I’m worried about vitamins and eating right as soon as I give birth I’m on a mission to loose 100lbs I just want to live and have a life with my family. I’m so glad I decided to google this and found this page.

I just came across this post also. It is old but I can relate to all the comments. It’s such a paralyzing fear. I’m sorry your OB made you feel that way. They didn’t seem to listen to your issues very well because you told them you were worried about something bad was going to happen to them and they took it as you might hurt them. It’s probably something they are trained to ask. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Has it changed any in the past few months? I feel like the more children you have, the worse it gets. I feel like I love them so much that there’s so much to lose. Since my 3rd child was born (He is 6 months now), I can’t stop obsessing about bad things happening to them. I pray every night for them also. You are definitely not alone. It’s not really easy to talk to family or friends about it and if you do I don’t feel like they really understand the depth of the anxiety or how scary the feeling is. Maybe it’s just a really strong maternal instinct or something. Although, I’ve noticed I’ve started obsessing about other members of my family also like my parents and brother. Anyway…Sorry to ramble.

Temma, I don’t know if you’re going to see this comment, but I’m the person who wrote the original post. I’m sorry I didn’t answer before, but I didn’t realize the post was still getting comments. It’s been years since I wrote the original post, and yes, the constant fear did subside. I have bouts of anxiety still and occasionally will have intrusive thoughts about the death of my loved ones, but they aren’t constant anymore and I’m able to function without being paralyzed by fear. I truly hope you’ve found comfort and reprieve from your fears ????

Hi Isha, I’m sorry it’s taken almost a year to respond–I didn’t realize this post was still getting comments. I wrote the original post, and yes, I did find help for the intrusive thoughts I was having. I went to therapy and a psychiatrist for years to help understand what was at the root of those thoughts, and they helped me with strategies to cope when I started to feel anxiety about losing loved ones. Although the thoughts haven’t completely gone away, they are much more manageable now and I don’t feel consumed by them constantly. I hope you’ve been able to find some relief.

I found this blog over a decade later! As a father Of a 2.5 year old I’ve been terrified of losing my wife. More so, my daughter losing her mom. It’s the most preoccupying anxiety I’ve ever had and I’ve been trying to shake it for so long. That’s how I found this article!

I’m thinking maybe men also experience quite a bit of PPA as well.

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Meet Katherine

Katherine Stone is the creator of Postpartum Progress. She is a survivor of postpartum anxiety & OCD. Follow her on Twitter at @postpartumprog or on Instagram at @katherine_stone.

The Great Fear of Disappointing Your Parents

The Grief From Losing My Mom Unexpectedly Has Taken Hold of My Heart

Imagine a tree whose branches are heavy with snow and ice after a storm… that’s what I feel like. A substantial weight presses down on my limbs and chest and squeezes my heart — it’s grief . It has taken me a long time to write about my grief because it is a deeply personal and invisible pain that I carry. Grief has broken me down, but I’m trying to slowly open up about my struggles .

In September 2014 my life was changed forever. My mom passed away unexpectedly from an undetected heart defect. I felt completely shattered and didn’t know how to process what happened. It felt like a bad dream from which I desperately wanted to wake up from. How could someone so lively, so vibrant, so meaningful be unresponsive? I have harbored a strong guilt ever since my mom’s passing. I constantly wonder, was she in pain but never said so? Were there signs that I missed? If I had woken up sooner that morning, would there have been a better chance of saving her? Why did this happen?

So many questions swirl inside of me. A mixture of emotions have built up within me — confusion, anger, sadness. The magnitude of the loss of my mom feels even greater today, because the numbness has worn off. I have stepped out of that dream-like state but not into a reality I wanted. The harsh reality of life without her has finally set in, yet I don’t think I will ever be able to completely adjust to it.

My mom was my best friend and I always imagined her by my side. She was such a core part of my life that a huge void grew inside me after she passed away. With time I have started viewing this internal void differently, though; maybe it is not a void but a footprint my mom left on my heart. Maybe my emptiness is actually full of meaning. I still feel empty, because I knew what it felt like to feel complete. I feel broken, because I knew what it felt like to feel whole. I feel despair, because I knew what it felt like to feel joy.

The weight I feel on my chest is no longer a burden because I finally understand what it is. The weight is a gift, for it is love . I have come to realize that the weight of loss is the footprint of love.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my mom. I hope she knew how much I loved her and how much I still do. I terribly miss her physical presence, her hugs, her voice. I wish I could be embraced by her again and never let go. I will forever carry the weight of her love with me.

I find comfort in knowing that I have my dad and brother with me. We are each other’s greatest support system and I am grateful for their unconditional love. Sometimes, I fear that I will not be able to uplift my dad and brother, because my own limbs feel so broken and weary.

Yet, amid this storm I want to be a haven, like my dad and brother are for me. I aspire to memorialize my mom through my writing and continue living my life in honor of her. I — like the frozen tree I described at the beginning of this piece — am beginning to thaw by the warmth of my mom’s love which will always shine for me. Her rays are touching my limbs, wrapping them in her light, giving me hope and strength on this new journey in my life.

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Writing is my haven, granting me a voice and a means of expressing myself. Writing has helped me to understand my anxiety better. The stories that I read on The Mighty give me a sense of hope, and I aspire to share that hope with others, too.

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‘Become My Mom Again’: What It’s Like to Grow Up Amid the Opioid Crisis

Call them Generation O, the children growing up in families trapped in a relentless grip of addiction, rehab and prison.

“I’d be crying, begging her to stop,” said Layla Kegg of her mother’s drug addiction, “but she was too out of it to care.” Credit... Alyssa Schukar for The New York Times

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By Dan Levin

May 31, 2019

PORTSMOUTH, Ohio — Layla Kegg’s mother, back home after three weeks who knows where, says she’s done with heroin, ready for rehab and wants to be part of her daughter’s life. But Layla has heard all of this before and doesn’t believe a single word.

Layla’s trust was broken long ago, after years of watching her mother cycle in and out of addiction and rehab. And now this latest discovery: “I found a needle in your purse the other day,” says Layla, seated at her grandmother’s kitchen table, her arms crossed. “And Mamaw found two more in the dryer.”

A pause, and then a fitful tumble of excuses from her mom: she doesn’t know why the needles were there; they were only syringes, actually, and not needles; she was keeping them for a friend.

Layla, 17, rolls her eyes and sighs.

“It’s almost like you want me to be using,” her mother pleads tearfully, in a voice children more often use with their parents. “Everything I do is never going to be good enough, so what’s the point.”

Five days later, Layla’s mother, Nikki Horr, is gone again.

More than 20 years after the introduction of OxyContin — and nearly 400,000 opioid overdose deaths later — a generation is growing up amid the throes of a historic epidemic. Call them Generation O: the children whose families are trapped in a relentless grip of addiction, rehab and prison. Here in Scioto County, a mix of verdant farmland and old mill towns on the southern edge of Ohio where everyone appears to know someone who has struggled with dependency, 51 people died of an overdose in 2017. At one school, administrators said, four kindergartners lost parents to drugs, and a fifth to a drug-related homicide.

Nearly two dozen young people across the county described chaotic home lives rife with neglect and abuse. They recounted begging their parents — who more often spent money on the next fix than on food — to stop using drugs. And they described finding relatives unconscious or frothing at the mouth after overdosing. The interviews were coordinated by social workers, educators and community activists, and for those younger than 18, church staff, their guardians or their parents gave them permission to speak, and were present in some cases.

Schools in Scioto County, educators said, have seen a surge in the number of children born dependent on opioids or suffering from neglect, many with severe learning disabilities, some barely able to speak. Teachers told of tantrums, at times violent, and of chairs thrown in classrooms.

In a nation where more than 130 people die every day from an opioid overdose — and in a region where the impact of addiction has taken a severe emotional toll on children — school is for many students a refuge; a place where they attend classes, but also have access to hot meals, hot showers and donated clean clothes. On Fridays, educators said, students can take home backpacks full of food so they won’t go hungry over the weekend.

Still, school is only a temporary respite.

Educators said that students growing up in families affected by addiction tended to linger on campus until the doors were locked at night, reluctant to go home. Some had returned the next morning and casually mentioned that a parent had died or overdosed the prior evening. And law enforcement officials described instances of children who were sexually assaulted, tied up or found sleeping on cardboard in houses littered with needles and dog feces.

Last academic year, 28 middle and high school students in the Portsmouth City School District told counselors that they had contemplated suicide, said Beth Burke, a guidance counselor at Portsmouth High School in Portsmouth, the county seat.

“I spend a lot of time putting kids in ambulances,” she said. “They don’t want to live this life and they have no way out.”

In many ways, Portsmouth High is like home for many of these students. They eat breakfast and lunch there, and modern classrooms and computer labs are starkly juxtaposed with laundry facilities. Many students frequently come to school wearing the same, unwashed clothes days in a row, so shelves are stocked with clean garments, along with fresh shampoo, bars of soap and deodorant.

Yet some of the teenagers change back into their own clothes after the final bell rings and the last class ends, “because parents will take new clothes and sell them for drug money,” said Drew Applegate, an assistant principal.

“We don’t live in a third world country, but some of these kids are living in third world conditions,” continued Mr. Applegate, who added that the neglect he has seen reminded him of the deprivation he witnessed two decades ago during a peacekeeping mission in the Balkans.

“Kids out there are raising themselves to the best of their abilities,” he said. “The parents are gone just like they were in Bosnia.”

Ground Zero for Opioids

Like many American towns ravaged by opioids, Portsmouth was once an economic powerhouse. Nearly a century ago, it was home to thriving shoe and steel industries and a professional football team. Parts of the town, which hugs the Ohio River and borders Kentucky, are tidy and maintained, flecked with 19th-century homes and more recently built McMansions.

But much of Portsmouth is forlorn and frayed. Vacant brick buildings, their windows boarded up, dot downtown. The old Mitchellace shoestring factory is scrawled with graffiti that warns, “Beware of H.I.V./Hep C! We have it!” Nearby, women and men wander along the train tracks at all hours, offering sex for drug money. Billboards along the main highway advertise rehab services and the opioid treatment Suboxone.

In Scioto County, long considered ground zero in Ohio’s opioid epidemic, nearly 9.7 million pills were prescribed in 2010 — enough to give 123 to each resident , according to official statistics. Over the years, as opioid prescriptions have fallen, many drug users have moved on to heroin and fentanyl.

Heroin Addiction Explained: How Opioids Hijack the Brain

A look at how opioids hijack the brain, from temptation and tolerance to relapse and recovery.

Today, Scioto County, where the per capita income in 2017 was $22,586 , has the state’s highest rates of Medicaid recipients diagnosed with opioid addiction and newborns suffering from the opioid-withdrawal condition known as neonatal abstinence syndrome.

With Ohio’s state spending on child welfare the lowest in the nation , social workers in the county say they have felt the strain. In April, more than 220 children in Scioto County were in foster care, the majority of whom were removed from their homes because of parental drug use, child welfare officials said.

Across Ohio, more than 16,000 children were in similar circumstances last year, a 28 percent increase since 2013 that has cost the state roughly $95 million in additional funding for the foster case system. Gov. Mike DeWine has proposed doubling state funding for child welfare , to $148 million over the next two years.

Harrowing stories of living amid addiction spill out during play therapy sessions at school or in halting conversations with a sympathetic basketball coach. One recent afternoon, Christian Robinson, a lanky 18-year-old who plans to join the Marines after he graduates from high school, said his mom went to rehab when he was 11, but she relapsed last year on meth and heroin. She now lives in another city several hours away.

“Mom has said that even us kids are not a good enough reason to stay clean,” Christian said. One of his sisters was born dependent on crack, he said, and a brother was born dependent on Oxycodone .

“I’ve seen what drugs can do to a family and it’s not worth it to me,” he said.

Amid the tumult, many children said they faulted themselves for not saving their parents from addiction. Others said they were made to feel guilty.

“Mom told me all the time that it’s my fault she’s using,” said Cadence Nance, 12, a sixth grader whose mother gave her permission to be interviewed.

A cheerleader and member of her school choir, Cadence has endured her share of emotional hardships. Three years ago, her father killed himself in a West Virginia hotel room as the police closed in to arrest him for murder. Then there was Halloween last year, when her mother overdosed at home while she was out trick-or-treating. Cadence said it took four doses of Narcan to revive her, an account confirmed by her mother.

“My biggest fear,” Cadence said, “is I’m going to get home and she’ll be dead.”

Dabbling in Pills

Not too long ago, Layla lived in a middle-class neighborhood with her half sister, Lilly, her stepfather and her mom. They sat down most evenings for dinners cooked by her mother, who worked then as a hospice nurse.

“We always had everything we wanted and they made sure of that,” said Layla, an avid athlete who loves country music and dreams of becoming a nurse practitioner.

But her mother, Nikki Horr, was secretly stealing bags of morphine and other painkillers from hospice patients who had died. Ms. Horr, 38, said she stockpiled the pills at home. Her plan, she said, was to sell them around town. That changed one day when, feeling overwhelmed at work, she began “dabbling in pills.”

Drug use wasn’t new to her. As a teenager, Ms. Horr said she had snorted cocaine with her parents. In 2013, after hospice officials discovered she was overprescribing narcotics, she was given a drug test, which she failed, and was promptly fired. She entered outpatient rehab and stayed clean for a while.

But after losing an appeal to regain her nursing license during Layla’s freshman year of high school, Ms. Horr said she lost her resolve. Distraught, she tracked down one of her sisters, who introduced her to heroin.

“I went straight to the needle,” Ms. Horr said.

At first, Ms. Horr left no trace of her drug use. But soon stray pills were tucked into sofa cushions and syringes were rattling at the back of drawers. Then one day, Layla, who had grown suspicious, peeked through a porch window and watched with horror as her mother wrapped her arm with a rubber strap and pierced her skin with a needle.

As her mother surrendered to the drugs, Layla said their home filled up with filthy dishes, dog feces and strangers who came over to shoot up. She said she pleaded with her mom to go to rehab.

“I’d be crying, begging her to stop,” Layla said, “but she was too out of it to care.” The addiction got so bad, both she and her mother said, and her mother’s nodding in and out of consciousness so frequent, that Layla became too embarrassed to invite friends over.

For a while, they survived on money sent by Layla’s stepfather, who worked out of state for months at a time. In his absence, her mother began a relationship with another drug user, and more and more of the money went to buy drugs, they said.

In the summer of 2017, the family moved to a shabbier house. The girls spent many nights at home alone, sustaining themselves on cans of ravioli and frozen dinners. “Sometimes I’d have to go without eating,” Layla said, “so my sister could eat.”

Last summer, Layla’s mother overdosed on painkillers in a Walmart parking lot. She spent 45 days in rehab before abruptly leaving and resuming her drug use. Layla’s stepfather left for good, and her stepsister went to live with her paternal grandparents in another town.

With her own father long out of the picture, Layla moved in with her great-grandfather and grandmother, Karen Alley, a 56-year-old stroke survivor with little sympathy, or patience, for her daughter’s addiction. Ms. Horr mostly stays with her boyfriend.

At first glance, her grandmother’s house is the portrait of suburban calm. Wind chimes tinkle outside the front door, and the bedroom Layla shares with her grandmother is adorned with a photo of her smiling relatives and a poster of a tropical beach.

But Layla said her life there has not been tranquil. She is crammed in with cantankerous relatives, a cat and a white Shih Tzu mix named WALL-E; tension chokes the house like a noxious gas. One recent night, Layla fled in tears to a friend’s house, where she remains, after yet another fight with her grandmother.

‘She’s at a Breaking Point’

More than half the members of Portsmouth High’s softball team have a close family member who uses drugs, and many live with their grandparents or a neighbor, said Kristen Bradshaw, the softball coach, who often provides breakfast before weekend games.

For years, Layla’s love for her mother, plus her stepfather’s support, helped contain the anxiety wrought by the disorder of her home life, and Ms. Bradshaw marveled at the girl’s inner strength and her ability to focus on the field.

But these days, with her family absent and no one to drive her to games, Ms. Bradshaw said the stress has taken a toll.

“She’s at a breaking point,” Ms. Bradshaw said. “Her emotions are just out of whack.”

Through it all, Layla has managed to maintain A’s and B’s — and a 3.8 grade point average — while playing center on her school’s basketball team. In softball, she ranks as one of her team’s top hitters.

“School’s my happy place,” Layla said.

Still, it’s hard to hide the constant dread and disappointment. Her mother has only seen two of her 24 softball games this year. In a recent conversation, Ms. Horr didn’t know that her daughter played right field for the Portsmouth Trojans.

“There are times I still see the mom I used to know,” Layla said. “Other times I’m like, where did she go and when will she come back? It’s heartbreaking. She was my best friend.”

In some ways, Layla said she has given up on a happy ending. She talks about going to college in South Carolina, where she can escape the maelstrom of love and fury she feels toward her mother.

Nearly a week after she disappeared, Ms. Horr texted Layla during math class. Layla implored her to come home, and to enter inpatient rehab.

Her mother refused, saying that she was sober, but was going away for a while.

“I want to be nonexistent,” she texted.

“You’re ill, you can’t admit it,” Layla replied. “Get help and become my mom again.”

Dan Levin covers American youth for the National Desk. He was a foreign correspondent covering Canada from 2016 until 2018. From 2008 to 2015, Mr. Levin was based in Beijing, where he reported on human rights, politics and culture in China and Asia. More about Dan Levin

My Mom Is My Inspiration

There are many people that have had an impact on my life and influenced me in many different ways. My mother, however, has had the biggest impact on my life, and influenced me more than anyone else. She has had an impact on me since the day I was born, and she still does today.

My mother is the reason I am who I am today. She taught me how to be strong and independent, yet also how to be caring and compassionate. She has always been there for me, even when no one else was. When I was in high school and going through some tough times, she was always there for me. She would listen to me, give me advice, and just be there for me. I don’t know what I would have done without her during those times.

My mother has also had a big impact on my happiness. Whenever I am feeling down, she knows how to make me feel better. She is always there for a hug or a chat when I need it. Even when she is having a tough day, she always takes the time to make sure I am okay. I know that I can always count on her to make me feel better.

My mother is my biggest inspiration. She has taught me so much and has always been there for me. I am who I am today because of her. She is the most important person in my life and I love her with all my heart.

I’m certain she had an impact on me before I could even talk by the way she looked after me as an infant. My mother has always been a Christian. Throughout my life, this has had a significant influence on me. Even though my mother was unaware of it, she still had an impact on me throughout high school. My mother may have influenced me when I was younger than that. I was young, but I am confident in saying that she impacted me.

She would always talk to me and try to get me to say things back. I don’t think I ever said anything back, but it did not matter to her. She kept trying anyway. When I was in high school, my mother had an impact on me even though I did not want her too. I was a teenager, and I thought I knew everything. I was wrong of course, but that is how most teenagers feel. My mother would always try to talk to me about my day and what was going on in my life. I would usually just brush her off, but she never gave up on me. She would always be there for me when I needed her. Even though I did not always show it, I appreciated everything she did for me.

My mother is the one person who has always been there for me. She is the one person who I can always count on no matter what. She is my inspiration and my role model. I am who I am today because of her. I love my mother with all of my heart, and I know she loves me too.

She would come over once I started to cry and see what I needed. She would change my diaper if it was necessary, or she would feed me if that was what I desired. If there was anything else wrong with me, she would certainly discover it. She wouldn’t give up until I stopped crying. If my mother had left me screaming in my crib for hours, I would have recognized her indifference quickly.

But she never left me crying for very long. She would always come to see what I needed, and try to make me happy again.

My mother was also the one who taught me how to walk and talk. Whenever I took my first steps, or said my first words, she was always there to encourage me. She would clap and cheer for me, and tell me how proud she was of me. Even when I was having a tough time learning something new, she would never give up on me. She would always find a way to help me understand it better.

My mother has always been the happiest person I know. No matter what was going on in her life, she would always try to make the best of it. She would always find something to smile about. Even when she was going through some tough times, she would never let it get her down for long. She would always pick herself back up and keep going.

My mother is the reason why I am the person I am today. She has always been my biggest inspiration. I have always looked up to her and tried to be like her in everything I do. I hope that someday I can make her proud of me, just like she has always made me proud of her.

My mother made her way through the storm, undeterred by the growing darkness and violence in the sky. My mother was eager to go out again, barely anyone knew that she was going somewhere so far. She was heading to areas of the province distant from civilization to conduct business. Despite being in her 40s, my mother had to work hard every day to support our family and earn a living.

In my memory, my mother always went to bed late and woke up early. She was busy with her work all day long. In the morning, she prepared breakfast for us and then took us to school. After work, she often went to the market to buy food for our family. Sometimes she came home late at night, but she never complained. Seeing her hard work, I felt very ashamed and did not want to be lazy anymore.

My mother is a high school graduate. However, due to financial difficulties, she could not continue her studies after graduation. Even so, my mother has always been a very happy person. When I was young, every time I saw my friends going out with their mothers, I always felt very jealous. I wished I could have a mother like them who could spend more time with me and take me out to play.

Now that I am grown up, I understand why my mother was always so busy. She was working hard to provide for our family and give us a better life. Whenever I see her working so hard, I am filled with gratitude for everything she has done for me. I am also more determined than ever to make her proud of me.

My mother is my inspiration. She has taught me the importance of hard work and perseverance. No matter what challenges we face in life, I know that as long as we work hard and never give up, we will eventually achieve our goals.

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Motherhood comes with challenges—at every stage

mom hugging daughter - being a mom is hard

fizkes via Shutterstock

It doesn't matter your age. It doesn’t matter when you first became a mom or when you gave birth to your last. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom of one or of many.

By Mariah Maddox August 1, 2022

Here’s the cut and dried truth: Being a mom is hard. It doesn’t matter your age—how “young” or “old” you are. It doesn’t matter when you first became a mom or when you gave birth to your last. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom of one or of many. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been a mother for a few years or for ten. Motherhood—in all of its dynamics—is hard. Challenging. All-consuming.

It’s giving more of yourself than you even knew existed.

It’s overwhelming and demanding.

Related: I lost myself in motherhood, but it didn’t last forever

It’s the fog of the newborn phase that eventually lifts, but rolls you right into the weather of the toddler years.

It’s trying to be everywhere at once—soccer games, dance practices, parent-teacher meetings—while still trying to manage the homefront.

It’s your child’s first heartbreak—which simultaneously breaks your heart, too.

It’s the ache and excitement in your soul as your child moves out to tackle life on their own.

It’s the grief that weighs you down when you see your child hurting—and the guilt that follows when you feel like you’ve let them down.

It’s trying not to let your dreams and passions fall to the wayside.

It’s a constant yearning for balance.

It’s a continuous cycle of losing and finding yourself.

Motherhood is hard—at every stage.

In the midst of the trials, one unwavering truth remains: Motherhood is beautiful and worthwhile.

Related: I’m not the mom I was hoping to be

A few weeks ago, I witnessed perhaps one of the most vulnerable versions of my mother that I had ever seen. She told me how she felt like she let my younger siblings down because she hadn’t gotten around to taking them on an outing that day.

“Sometimes, it’s just hard,” are the words she said to me in that moment. And after years of being wrapped in her maternal care and nurture, I had the opportunity to take the years of wisdom and love that she had instilled in me and pour back into her. My mother—a woman in her fifties, with nine children ranging from 12 to 33—found herself in the weariness of motherhood. My mother and I, decades apart, and we still shared this universal truth: Motherhood, at its core, is hard.

It doesn’t matter if you’re “experienced” or if you’re just starting out. The challenges that come with being a mom do not overlook or spare any of us. We all have to trek through the valleys sometimes—or drift the currents until we find our way again. But in my opinion, that’s what creates the essence of motherhood. That despite everything that makes it hard, it still holds room for the most captivating, resolute beauty.

Motherhood will always be a teacher—and there is so much for us to learn.

Sometimes motherhood may leave us aching. It may leave us in an exhaustion that we can’t comprehend. It may shake us loose of everything that we have ever known. Yet all the while, it shifts us as women, shows us unconditional love and allows us to witness something far more glorious than what we have ever experienced.

Despite the motherhood challenges that we endure, we somehow manage to thread the horizon with the deepest love. In the midst of the trials, one unwavering truth remains: Motherhood is worthwhile. And that’s what keeps us steady, amidst.

If there’s one thing that I carried away from that conversation with my mom, it’s that motherhood is a cycle of mothering and being mothered—in each and every season. And that we can meet each other in the thick of every challenge and be a pillar of support, an anchor.

Because this is motherhood—the entirety of it. Emotional. Ambiguous. Vulnerable. Revolutionary.

And despite its many trials, tribulations and challenges—we gracefully rise.

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Poems that Tenderly Express the Pain of Missing a Departed Mother

Losing a mother is an indescribable loss, leaving an everlasting void in our hearts. As we navigate the challenging journey of grief, poetry becomes a refuge, allowing us to express the depth of our emotions and find solace in the written word. In this article, we explore poignant poems that beautifully capture the essence of missing a mom who has passed away, evoking memories, longing, and the eternal bond we share.

1. "Her Absence" by Rupi Kaur

2. "missing you" by margaret mead, 3. "a mother's love" by emily dickinson, 4. "gone, but never forgotten" by maya angelou.

"you might not have been my mother but you were here to watch me grow you brought me into this world and i held your finger as you let go"

In her celebrated poetry collection, "Milk and Honey," Rupi Kaur delicately portrays the pain of losing a mother figure. In "Her Absence," Kaur acknowledges the profound impact a mother has on our lives, regardless of biological ties. These heartfelt lines emphasize the lingering presence, the unbreakable bond, and the void left behind when a mother departs.

"I miss your hands that held me tight, and wiped away my tears, I miss your voice, your guiding words, and all the love you shared for years."

Margaret Mead, known for her profound observations on humanity, captures the essence of longing for a departed mother in her poem "Missing You." With simple yet powerful imagery, Mead expresses the deep yearning for a mother's physical and emotional presence. Her words remind us of the immeasurable love and support we received and continue to crave even after their passing.

"A Mother's Love — is like a Bee — It goes — and comes — like melody — Sometimes, it softly sings And sometimes, it stings -"

Emily Dickinson, renowned for her introspective poetry, delicately explores the complexities of a mother's love in "A Mother's Love." Through her signature concise yet profound style, Dickinson portrays the ebb and flow of maternal affection, comparing it to the gentle melody of a bee. This poem beautifully encapsulates the bittersweet nature of missing a mother's love, as it simultaneously brings comfort and longing.

"Your love flows through my veins, Your spirit dances in my heart. Though you're gone, you remain A beacon that will never depart."

Maya Angelou, celebrated for her empowering words, offers solace in her poem "Gone, but Never Forgotten." With profound depth and grace, Angelou assures us that although our mothers may have physically left us, their love and spirit remain eternal. This poem serves as a reminder that even in their absence, our mothers continue to guide and inspire us every day.

In the realm of poetry, we find solace and healing as we grapple with the pain of losing a mother. Through the power of words, these poems help us navigate the complex emotions and honor the memories we hold dear. Whether it's Rupi Kaur's acknowledgement of the unbreakable bond, Margaret Mead's yearning for a mother's touch, Emily Dickinson's exploration of maternal love, or Maya Angelou's reassurance of eternal connection, these poems remind us that the love shared with our mothers transcends the boundaries of life and death.

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50 Heartfelt Missing Mom Quotes About Losing A Mother
50 Heartfelt Missing Mom Quotes About Losing A Mother
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COMMENTS

Facing My Greatest Fears As A Mother
Mothers are supernatural creatures. We grow brand new lives inside our bellies and fearlessly birth our babies into this world. Almost effortlessly we create milk; nourishing their chubby little legs and fuelling their rapidly growing minds. Hands down, motherhood is the greatest miracle I've ever known. My pregnancy lasted 42 weeks and, even ...
The Unthinkable Heartbreak of Losing your Mother (& the Grief that
Grief has taken shelter within my soul ever since the day she passed away. Her death made me lose my balance and sanity. With time, when we lose people, we forget their details bit by bit, but we never forget our mother's details. Missing her has overridden my love for life. Her motherly smell never leaves my nostrils.
Why We Can't Let The Fear Of Losing Our Parents Stop Us From Living
Death is a part of our life cycle. There's no escaping it. Rather than dreading and constantly fearing losing our loved ones, it is important to not let these anxieties manifest and make us worry ...
My Worst Fear As A Mother
In: Death of a Parent, Grief, Motherhood. by Kathleen Sullivan. Share. "Your mother's gone," my dad said as he walked into our apartment. Those words still haunt me, even 19 years later. My mother's death wasn't a surprise—she had been battling lung cancer for sixteen months—I just wasn't ready to hear it.
The Profound Influence of My Mom on My Personal Growth
In conclusion, the influence of my mom on my life is profound and far-reaching. From instilling a strong work ethic and core values to providing unwavering support and nurturing resilience, her impact has been a driving force in my personal growth and development. While attempting to capture the entirety of her influence is a daunting task, the ...
Postpartum Anxiety & The Incessant Fear of Losing Your Loved Ones
Even now, though a great deal of my postpartum anxiety symptoms have abated, the fear of death and dying remains. This morning I cried for an hour after reading the blog of a woman whose son killed himself six months ago. I couldn't stop myself from reading every entry from the last six months. She has two sons, and the oldest is gone now.
The Great Fear of Disappointing Your Parents
Avoiding relationships. This fear may make people avoid building romantic or sexual relationships out of fear of what their parents might think. This is usually typical of homosexual people, but it also happens to heterosexual individuals. As you can see, the fear of disappointing your parents can affect almost all areas of your life.
Becoming A Mother Transformed My Life: Free Essay Example ...
Introduction. Becoming a mother is an extraordinary journey that brings about transformative changes in a woman's life. It is a path filled with moments of joy, trials, and personal growth. In this essay, I will explore the profound impact of motherhood on my life, delving into the shift in priorities, the expansion of emotional capacity, and ...
The Grief From Losing My Mom Unexpectedly Has Taken Hold of My Heart
Grief has broken me down, but I'm trying to slowly open up about my struggles. In September 2014 my life was changed forever. My mom passed away unexpectedly from an undetected heart defect. I felt completely shattered and didn't know how to process what happened. It felt like a bad dream from which I desperately wanted to wake up from.
'Become My Mom Again': What It's Like to Grow Up Amid the Opioid Crisis
May 31, 2019. PORTSMOUTH, Ohio — Layla Kegg's mother, back home after three weeks who knows where, says she's done with heroin, ready for rehab and wants to be part of her daughter's life ...
PDF A Mom's Greatest Fear
Psalm 27:1. A father's greatest fear is usually that he won't be able to provide for his family. A mom's greatest fear is typically that something will happen to one of her children. Fear is a funny thing. It sometimes provides healthy caution, but more times than not it seems to produce undue stress and anxiety regarding things over ...
My Mom Is My Inspiration Essay on Family, Mother
My Mom Is My Inspiration. There are many people that have had an impact on my life and influenced me in many different ways. My mother, however, has had the biggest impact on my life, and influenced me more than anyone else. She has had an impact on me since the day I was born, and she still does today. My mother is the reason I am who I am today.
Every Stage of Being a Mom is Hard Essay
It's a constant yearning for balance. It's a continuous cycle of losing and finding yourself. Motherhood is hard—at every stage. In the midst of the trials, one unwavering truth remains: Motherhood is beautiful and worthwhile. A few weeks ago, I witnessed perhaps one of the most vulnerable versions of my mother that I had ever seen.
My Greatest Fear In Life
1119 Words. 5 Pages. Open Document. My biggest fear in life is failure. I always try to prove myself to others and make sure that I can get the task done on the first try. In life, there will always be mistakes made and that is where I am still learning. The fear of upsetting someone because of my own optimal performance can be a positive ...
Unconditional Love of Mother: Essay
Short essay about my mother 1 (100 words) My mother is my guiding light, my source of strength and love. She is a remarkable woman who has shaped my life in countless ways. Her selflessness and dedication are unparalleled. From the moment I was born, she showered me with unconditional love and nurtured me with care.
How to Deal with the Fear of Loss
This help can include seeing a therapist, support from family and friends, and strategies like mindfulness, exercise, or art. Whatever happens, believe that it won't destroy you. This makes the ...
Facing Anxiety After the Loss of a Loved One
Some examples of what those facing anxiety after the loss of a loved one may be experiencing include: 1. Feeling nervous or uncomfortable out of the house/in crowds: After a loss, many people find it challenging to socialize in the way they did before. Either because the person they lost (a spouse for example) was the one they socialized with ...
Poems that Tenderly Express the Pain of Missing a Departed Mother
2. "Missing You" by Margaret Mead. 3. "A Mother's Love" by Emily Dickinson. 4. "Gone, but Never Forgotten" by Maya Angelou. 1. "Her Absence" by Rupi Kaur. In her celebrated poetry collection, "Milk and Honey," Rupi Kaur delicately portrays the pain of losing a mother figure.
My Fear
Satisfactory Essays. 762 Words; 4 Pages; Open Document. My biggest fear is not being successful, and disappointing my parents. Being the first in my family to attend college has put a lot of pressure on me. My family expects to me to make it, to be the first to attend college is great but, being the first to become a doctor would be even better ...