essay about bringing up a child

Essays About Growing Up: 5 Examples and 7 Prompts

Essays about growing up help us view and understand various experiences from different perspectives. Check out our top examples and prompts for your writing.

How do you know when you’ve finally grown up? Me, it happened when I was in high school. I realized I matured when I had no qualms about looking for ways to help my family financially. I didn’t think I had a choice, but at the same time, I desperately wanted to aid my parents in ensuring we had food on the table. 

I was a fast food crew member, a librarian, and many other odd jobs I could talk about for hours. Some judge my parents’ poor financial literacy when I tell my stories, but I never did. All of it was a part of my growing up; without these experiences, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. 

Growing up is a unique experience for every person, influenced by our surroundings and influences. With so many variables, each person has their own story about growing up; take a look below to see the best example and prompts to begin writing your own. You might also like these essays about youth .

5 Essay Examples

1. social influences on children’s growing up by anonymous on ivypanda.com, 2. growing up in the 626 by katie gee salisbury, 3. growing up in poverty determines the person’s fate by anonymous on gradesfixer.com, 4. growing up on the streets by writer bernadette, 5. growing up with hearing loss by anonymous on ivypanda.com, 1. what does growing up mean, 2. the effect of my environment on my growth, 3. growing up rich or poor, 4. family values and growing up, 5. growing up with siblings, 6. your best memories growing up, 7. changes while growing up.

“Human growth and development is a complicated process which is inevitably impacted upon by socioeconomic circumstances within which an individual is growing up.”

To demonstrate the social influences that can impact a child’s experiences growing up, the essay offers several credible citations from professionals, such as Damon and Lerner, the writer and editor of “ Handbook of Child Psychology .” It looks at how social factors, such as living conditions, access to resources, and others, can affect a child’s overall development as they grow. Ultimately, the writer believes that parents play a huge role in the development of their children. You can also check out these essays about development .

“Something welled up inside my throat. All of a sudden I felt a burning urgency to stake a claim, to assert that I was one of them, that I too belonged in this group. ‘Hey guys, I’m Chinese too,’ I ventured. A classmate who carpooled with my family was quick to counter, ‘Katie, that doesn’t count.'”

Salisbury shares her experiences as an overachieving Asian-American, focusing on her grievances at being biracial, not connecting to her heritage, and people’s assumption of her being white. She talks about her life in 626, the area code for Arcadia, Southern California, where most Asians reside. At the end of her essay, Salisbury offers facts about herself to the reader, recognizing and accepting every part of herself.

Looking for more? Check out these essays about time .

“Economic mobility is the ability of someone or a family to move up from one income group to another. In the United States, it is at an all-time low and is currently decreasing.”

The author shares their opinion on how a family’s financial situation shapes their children’s future. To back up their claim, the essay provides relevant statistics showing the number of children and families in poverty, alongside its dramatic effects on a child’s overall development. The writer mentions that a family’s economic incompetence can pass on to the children, reducing their chances of receiving a proper education.

“As a young black woman growing up on the hardcore streets of North Philadelphia, you have to strive and fight for everything. The negativity and madness can grab and swallow even the most well-behaved kids.”

Bernadette opens her readers’ eyes to the harsh realities of being a young black woman throughout her essay. However, she also expresses her gratitude to her family, who encouraged her to have a positive mindset. Her parents, who also grew up on the streets of North Philly, were determined to give her and her siblings a proper education. 

She knows how individuals’ environments impact their values ​​and choices, so she fought hard to endure her circumstances. She also notes that the lack of exposure to different social norms results in children having limited thinking and prevents them from entertaining new perspectives. You might be interested in these essays about dream jobs .

“The world is not accommodating to people with hearing disabilities: apart from professionals, barely anyone knows and understands sign language. On top of that, many are merely unaware of the fact that they might be hurting and making a deaf person feel disrespected.”

The essay discusses critical issues in children growing up with hearing impairments. It includes situations that show the difference between a child growing up in an all-deaf family and a non-deaf environment. While parental love and support are essential, deaf parents should consider hearing impairment a gift and be aware of their children’s needs. 

If you are interested in learning more, check out our essay writing tips !

7 Prompts for Essays About Growing Up

Growing up is a continuous sequence where we develop and experience significant changes in our bodies and how we think and feel. It’s the transition between being a child and an adult, so define what childhood and adulthood entail in your essay.

Then, describe how an individual grows up and the indications that they progressed physically and intellectually. For a fun addition to your essay, include questions your readers can answer to see if they have matured.

Many studies show how people’s environments, such as home, community, and school, affect growth. These environments significantly impact an individual’s development through interactions. For this prompt, write about the factors that influence your overall development and explain how you think they affected you. For example, those who studied at a religious school tend to be more conservative.

Money is essential for survival, but only some have easy access. Most people act and make decisions based on how much money they have, which also influences their behavior. In this prompt, cite several situations where money affects parents’ decisions about their children’s needs and wants and how it affects the children as they grow up.

Discuss how financial constraints impact their emotions, perceptions, and choices in life. Choose high, average, and low-income households, then compare and contrast their situations. To create an in-depth analysis, use interview research and statistical data to back up your arguments.

Studies show that children understand rules and have already formed their behaviors and attitudes at seven. Before this age, children are surrounded by relatives who teach them values through experiences within the family. For this prompt, use real-life examples and factual information to discuss the importance of good parenting in instilling good values ​​in children.

Growing up with siblings is an entirely different experience growing up versus being an only child. Use this prompt to explain how having a brother or sister can impact a child’s progress and discuss its pros and cons. For instance, having siblings means the child has more role models and can get more emotional support. However, it can also mean that a child craves more of their parent’s attention. Discuss these points in your essay, and decide the “better” experience, for a fun argumentative essay.

In this essay, choose the best memories you had from childhood to the current day that has contributed significantly to your principles and outlook. Describe each memory and share how it changed you, for better or worse.

Talk about the changes people expect as they grow up. These physical, emotional, or mental changes lead people to act and think more maturely.  Add studies demonstrating the necessity of these changes and recount instances when you realize that you’ve grown up. For example, if before you didn’t care about your spending, now you’re more frugal and learned to save money. For help with your essay, check our round-up of best essay writing apps .

Maria Caballero is a freelance writer who has been writing since high school. She believes that to be a writer doesn't only refer to excellent syntax and semantics but also knowing how to weave words together to communicate to any reader effectively.

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How to raise a boy: my mission to bring up a son fit for the 21st century

Increasing awareness of the price of toxic masculinity has led many parents to wonder how best to prepare the young men of the future. One father consults the experts

M y little son has a gang he roots for. All boys, dudes everywhere – they’re his gang. I figured this out, recently, when we sat down to watch the Grand National. He’d picked a horse in the family sweepstake and his choice was out in front for most of the race. When it fell back, out of contention, my son paled a bit. Possibly he’d already spent the sweepstake winnings in his head (on stickers, sweets, toy balls) but he took the disappointment quite well, I thought, for a four-year-old. The race was won in the end by a female jockey. It was the only time a woman had ever finished first in a Grand National, the commentators shouted. And all at once my son did cry, real fat gushers, instant snot moustache, the works. Now this was too much, if a girl had gone and beaten all the boys.

Where does it come from, I wondered, this kneejerk allegiance that distances little boys from little girls and makes an us-v-them of gender distinctions, right from the get-go? Where does it lead, as those boys become men? These are questions I’ve been wondering about a lot as my son gets older. He’s a friendly, curious kid who adores his older sister but his sense of himself, just now, seems to come across most clearly when he emphasises the contrasts between them. Along with millions of other little boys he will be coming of age during a richly complicated time for young men, and I want to help him get this right.

The slow turbulence of the #MeToo movement, with all its re-evaluations and reckonings since Harvey Weinstein was brought to account for his crimes in 2017, then the sharp and terrible shock of Sarah Everard’s murder in the spring – these events have helped adjust the way a lot of us price and make room for masculinity’s expression in society. There seems to be an urge to do things differently, to rear young men without the same certainties and biases that previously we absorbed by rote. Mine’s not the first generation of parents to be thinking about all this, and fretfully. In the 60s, the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the 00s, there were many mothers and some fathers who looked at each other and asked: what ought we be doing differently with boys? Perhaps what’s new is the urgency, a sense of enough-being-enough. Perhaps what’s new is that men, in greater numbers, are acknowledging the need for a rethink. Parents and those caring for sons have been wondering (and wondering, and wondering again): if change is to begin with us, how should a boy be raised now?

O n the night of the disappointing Grand National, as I tucked my son into bed, I found myself consoling him by offering up some pedantry about it being a successful race for women and men both, actually. The champion jockey was a girl. But the winning horse was a boy. Well contented by that – the lads having clawed one back after all – my son fell fast asleep. Meanwhile, I went to the computer next door, to engage in one of those favoured activities of young parents, Troubled Googling.

In went some of the jangly questions I’ve been asking myself lately, queries picked off and transcribed as they circled around my head: “how to raise boy better 2021”… “what to tell son instead of stupid crap about male horses”… “be better parent of boy?”… “create better man future?”. The internet threw back all sorts: how-tos, essays, manifestos, podcast episodes, podcast seasons . Quickly I was watching the video of a speech delivered in 2019 by the novelist and activist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Coolly, more or less irrefutably, Adichie argued that it was time to make feminists of the world’s young men. “Feminism has to make a lot more room for the engagement with men, of men, about men, otherwise we’re not getting anywhere,” she said. “The feminist boys have to get on board.”

A few curious click-throughs from there and I was reading the opening chapters of a book called How to Raise a Feminist Son , by an Indian-born writer and academic called Sonora Jha. I sent her a plaintive email (“How should I raise my son in 2021?”), and when she answered we arranged a phone call. Jha, who now lives on the west coast of the US, sounded relieved when she picked up, even a little impatient, as though she’d been expecting me to telephone years ago.

“So,” she said, “first. I’m glad you’re asking this question. Cos the time has come, y’know? Traditional masculinity. It’s not working . I don’t just mean for women. It’s not working for our boys. It’s not working for our young men.” I asked in what ways she thought so and Jha gave the example of mask-wearing during the pandemic, long a contentious matter in her adopted country. “Last year, we saw Donald Trump make mask-wearing about masculinity. That has literally led to death. Misogyny, homophobia, these things happen when traditional masculinity veers into toxic masculinity. Now those who worship masculinity are also dying from it. So, yeah. I think people are realising that something needs to change. Finally.”

Like Adichie, Jha felt that one answer might be to raise boys inside a pronounced feminist value system. That can be subtly done, said Jha, who raised her son (now in his early 20s) as a single mother. “In all that time, bringing him up, I may have used the word ‘feminism’ about three times. It wasn’t like I woke him up every morning and said: ‘Here are the principles of feminism you will learn today.’ Instead it was allowing him to cry. It was talking about how things may be uneven in the world towards girls. Raising him here in the US as a young man of colour, he was being called to a certain kind of masculinity. And he didn’t necessarily feel comfortable around that. For me it was an act of compassion towards him to introduce feminism. Not as a theoretical concept but as an everyday guiding principle in the way that we were going to lead our lives.”

Jha chuckled. Around the time her son left home, she recalled, she mentioned to him in passing that she’d raised him to be a feminist. “And he said: ‘No, no, no, I discovered it on my own.’ I smiled to myself at that.”

We spoke about her book, which came out earlier this year. She had given it a punchy title – How to Raise a Feminist Son , and “some men lashed out in response, of course,” Jha said. “Some of them asked me: ‘Why not just cut off his dick at birth?’ Somehow, as a society, we’ve come to believe this. That a boy will be bullied if he is not the bully. We’ve decided that this is how men will win, whether that be jobs, women, leadership. It doesn’t need to be that way.” Jha was sure: a more equitable, empathic social agreement would not only be better for girls, but for boys too. And what quicker route to get feminist principles into a young man’s head than via the gate marked Self-Interest?

“It’s not just about raising gentle, empathic boys. It’s not just about explaining to those boys that there are certain structures preferable to men and we want to dismantle those structures. It’s about explaining why we want things to be more equitable, because if and when they are, boys will get to be not constantly leaders but also followers, they will get to fail, they will get to spend more time at home [in domestic roles], and they can do all of those things without their very humanity being called upon, without them being told: ‘You are less of a man because of this.’”

Before we said goodbye, Jha suggested I try something with my own son. That tearful episode around the horse race, where he was upset by the success of a female jockey – why didn’t I make that a starting point for a different sort of conversation? “I think if it were my son, I would say something like: ‘I’m sad your horse didn’t win. But how happy the winning rider’s family must be for her! And the men who lost? They’ll probably work harder and be inspired by her. So we get to be a part of her victory as well.’”

Jha insisted that the only indispensable resource in raising awake-to, alert-to sons was conversation. Little and often. Others would say the same.

S omehow I never quite got round to having that extra conversation with my son. The right moment didn’t seem to come. Actually, anything may work as a prompt, Uju Asika suggested. Asika, the London-based author of a parenting blog and the mother of two early-teenaged boys, explained how she’d used video games, hip-hop, summer football tournaments – “any kind of cultural resource to create a spur and get my sons thinking”.

“Like, I listen to my eldest playing video games with his friends. There’s all this banter. You want to leap in, correct, criticise, condemn. But it’s been a learning process for me. I’ve been trying to listen more, and wait more, and see where they’re coming from. Then I might ask: ‘Why did you say that? Did you understand what it meant?’ I try to challenge their viewpoints, but, at the same time, accept that all this is just their experience.”

Asika sighed. She was talking to me while her sons were at school, one at primary, one at secondary, both fast on their way out of boyhood. “None of this has been smooth-sailing. It’s not like a TV sitcom, where you sit down and have this amazing conversation that solves things on the spot.”

Actually, Asika added, a TV sitcom had been a useful conversation-prompt the other day. “We’ve been watching Friends again. Just full of stuff you might, um, want to challenge. This was an episode where Ross was worried about his son playing with a Barbie instead of a GI Joe.” Asika and her sons, watching, wound up having a profitable chat about gender stereotypes. “A quick chat. When I go into lecture mode I can see them zoning out. Kids have really short attention spans. But in a way I see that as something we can use to our advantage.”

Plant seeds, was Asika’s suggestion to me, and start small. “When you read the various statistics about boys, male violence, toxic masculinity, all this – it really does start to feel overwhelming, like it’s a crisis point for boys and men. I try to be more hopeful and see it as an opportunity to keep adding to their options. The boys coming into the world now? I hope as they get older they’re going to feel a lot more liberated, as opposed to being fit into the boxes that have existed for generations of men. The main thing is to expand the ideal of what we consider manliness to be.”

Last July, as Asika was preparing to publish a book called Bringing Up Race , about parenthood and racial identity, George Floyd was murdered in the US, prompting a summer of global protest. “That was happening. I was bringing out my book. So we talked a lot about race and identity at home. I asked my sons about their experiences as black boys. We talked about how to behave in a situation, for instance in an encounter with police, or here, in London especially, any situation involving knives.”

Asika described them as “scary conversations but necessary ones. We get letters from school, sometimes. More muggings. More incidents of knife crime. I ask my sons: ‘What would you do if you came across this happening? Or, if someone tried to steal your phone, how would you respond?’” She tried to help her sons expand their definition of manliness to include smart submission (“A phone is just property, not relevant, you hand it over”) and verbal instead of physical intervention. Walking away intact from a dangerous situation? Manly. Choosing words over fists? Manly.

Asika said: “It’s one of those tricky, where-do-you-draw-the-line problems, between telling them to stand up for themselves, not be victimised – and at the same time not wanting them to become an actual victim because they stood up for themselves. As a mother the main thing I want is for my sons to be safe. But I do still tell them: ‘Stand up to bullies, stand up against racism, stand up for what you believe in. But does that necessarily have to mean a physical altercation? Does it have to mean fists? Can’t it be with your voice, with your values?’”

Asika described it all as a work-in-progress. A lot of the parents I wound up speaking to used the same phrase, as though we were all in the prototype stages of some great but wobbly experiment.

“At the end of the day,” said Asika, “mine are boy -boys and always have been. They’re still gonna be punching each other on the arm when they’re in their 40s. You do wonder, sometimes, where it comes from.”

D anusia Malina-Derben, a mother of 10 from the South Downs, started to pick apart this question – where does the boy in boy come from? – when one of her children came to her to say that he felt he was both a boy and a girl. “‘Half of me is a boy and half of me is a girl,’ was how he verbalised it,” Malina-Derben recalled. “He used a female name when not in school. He wanted a dress. I’d been lucky enough to have four sons in five years, just a massive injection of boy . And this moment triggered the most magnificent analysis of how I was being with my sons as a group. I had to think: ‘What do I want to do with this?’”

I came across Malina-Derben via her two podcast series, School for Mothers and School for Fathers , in which she delves into aspects of an unconventional parenting experience, and interviews others about theirs. While we spoke, she was working-slash-hiding-from-her-youngest-kids in the car on her driveway. “How do we raise conscious boys in a changing world,” she wondered.

For years Malina-Derben has worked as a coach in male-dominated corporate sectors, “talking to hundreds of men about their grief, about having to be the strong one, the leader, the bread-winner, the big guy at all costs. An awful lot gets spoken about the privileges of masculinity, particularly of white masculinity, particularly white humans who identify as men. We know those privileges well. But the more that we narrow the range of activities and the stereotyped possibilities of what it is to be a boy, and therefore a man, we narrow the experience and expressiveness that’s possible. Which leads to huge unhappiness. I’ve come to see that men get thrust into channels of life that actually aren’t necessarily helpful for them, and aren’t helpful for anyone else either. The humanity that we disregard for males is a travesty. We need to reinfuse our understanding of what it means to be male with human-being-ness .”

Her child was three years old when he first came to Malina-Derben with questions about his identity. (His preferred pronouns are now he and him.) “It was a stroke of luck for me, it really was. I had the luck to reconsider things that I was doing with my sons that would also embrace and include his need. I considered every element. Language. Clothing. Activities. My conversation about what was possible in life. Career roles. Contraception. Consent.” She made sure to ask all her children the same questions about the future. Do you think you’ll be a parent yourself? “Because it’s only girls, traditionally, who are ever asked that.” Whenever she found herself at the foot of the stairs, about to shout “Boys!” to summon the ones of her children she wanted, Malina-Derben tried out other options. “Fam? Team?” She shuddered at the cheesiness. “I’m still negotiating with them on that one.”

For as long as I’d been researching this story, I had been asking interviewees: were there any small, manageable, free techniques of theirs that other parents might use? Malina-Derben thought for a moment and came back with an answer I wasn’t expecting.

“Blankets.”

She explained. When she considered, at one end of her life, the distress she was trying to counsel out of adult men, and at the other end of her life, the habitual and unexamined ways we’ve often raised our sons, she noticed a gap. Boys were hardly ever taught to comfort themselves. “There’s a whole industry of it surrounding women. But it’s missing around boys. Self-care? For boys and men, they’re told to channel it off into sports, fishing, DIY. Just look at Father’s Day cards and the ridiculous things that dads are supposed to be into.”

So, Malina-Derben continued, “I encourage them to seek out blankets. Run themselves baths. Make a warm drink. That sounds odd, but they’ve taught themselves, with my guidance, when and how to self-soothe. Things we would once have associated with femininity – wrapping yourself in a blanket, making yourself cosy – I’ve tried to help them do that without questioning whether or not it’s masculine. Otherwise I’m going to raise boys who are dependent on women to help them look after themselves. Many, many women basically look after their men, if they’re in a heterosexual relationship; and the men rely on that as a kind of barometer of where they’re at emotionally. It’s a disempowerment for men. And it’s another thing that women have to do.”

P eople told me of other interesting techniques, mostly ones they’d stumbled upon while trying to second-guess or reimagine the work of raising sons in 2021. Dave Wilson, a one-time handyman turned sobriety coach whom I’d contacted to ask for advice about the discussion of alcohol with young men, said that in his own household he made deliberate use of the human habit of eavesdropping. “Ear-wigging,” Wilson called it. He’d raised one son to adulthood and now had two stepsons on the brink of teenagehood. He realised he could get all sorts of useful information over to them (about booze, morals, life) without them squirming, if he only staged a loud-ish conversation with his partner and let them hear it.

I spoke to a developmental psychologist from Philadelphia, Michael Reichert, whose book How to Raise a Boy came out in paperback last year and who teaches a weekly “emotional literacy” class for young men in a school near his home. Reichert offered up neat parcels of insight on all manner of subjects that were pertinent to the development of young men, for instance online pornography, “which the world of boyhood is steeped in”, he said. Whatever the topic, though, Reichert’s advice for parents boiled down to a one-word instruction.

“I would say to them: ‘Think about the day you just spent. How many minutes did you listen to your son? Not ask him questions. Not interrogate him. How many times did you sit back, still your own thoughts, mobilise that place in your heart where you are delighted in him, really make him the object of your attention – and listen ?’”

In his weekly high-school class, Reichert said, he had forced himself to stifle his own generational discomfort and listen to the assembled boys talk about their experiences with online porn, “this industry that is ubiquitous in their lives, shaping what boys imagine is expected of them, defining the boundaries of performative sexuality, maybe in spite of what’s hard-wired in their natures. I am way, way more inhibited on this topic than they are. I’m so much more uncomfortable. They’re ready to talk about it. They’re so happy there’s this space in which they can acknowledge something to one another that there hasn’t been much breathing room for at all.”

Oh, one more tip, Reichert added. Try swimming on the floor.

Excuse me, I said?

“It’s another strategy I recommend. Following the boy’s lead.” Reichert explained that he has a grandson who is four years old, the same age as my own son. “I’m looking after him? I’ll plop myself next to him. Do whatever the hell he wants to do. And for my grandson, right now, that involves pretending we’re swimming on hardwood floors. This is miserably uncomfortable for me, by the way. But for him? It means he has an adult who is willing to do what he cares about. He doesn’t have to do it alone. He has me with him.”

I have a daughter as well as a son. She’s a little older than him. I find it easy and exciting to tell my daughter, as often as I can: You can do anything. You can be anything. Ignore anybody who says otherwise . Not so straightforward when it comes to sons. A pep talk about their future, the kind where your instinct as an adult is to try to make the life ahead sound less complicated and cluttered than it will actually be, sounds clumsy without certain disclaimers. The disclaimers themselves sound clumsy. It must all be so hard for a little boy to take in. You can do anything. But not anything-anything. You can be anything. Only please hold back, exercise judgment, read rooms. Ignore anybody who says otherwise. Really, really don’t.

There is much that’s cramped, odd, scary and foolish about inward-looking male culture. A lot that’s good as well. For 39 years I’ve resisted it and been drawn to it. A dozen men, arranged in a semi-circle to talk at 140% volume about her and her and her and the match? For the same person that can be shameful in theory, and in practice as pleasurable as a deep bath. My son enjoys taking me aside from my wife and daughter to tell me, conspiratorially: “ We have willies.” For many of us it’s innately felt, this lure of one of the biggest clubs there is. Male kinship is sticky. Like a religion seeded early enough, its tenets can be hard to shake off even when reason insists they must be. I want my son to know that rewarding membership of the tribe needn’t be ride-or-die, it needn’t mean allegiance above all else.

Right after Sarah Everard’s murder in the spring, as the country reeled in shock, there was a muted but real reluctance among the men I knew to take any collective blame for one guy’s intolerable act. It took about a week for the bigger idea to get across, to me at least. Men as a tribe must hold themselves to account. Interrogate one another and curb one another. If not because all men have the hidden potential to be awful and violent women-haters, then because the haters among us may be so lost in contempt they can only be reached by male criticism, male pressure, male example. If the perpetrators of sex crimes aren’t being reached or punished by the law as it exists, perhaps what’s left is for men to be better policed by their peers.

When I spoke to the author Uju Asika about the aftermath of Everard’s murder, I was struck by her candour about her husband, who felt the same initial responsibility-reluctance as I did. Asika called it “that whole not-all-men-do-this pushback, which became very frustrating for me and a lot of my female friends. Speaking with my husband, there was a sense of him trying to distance himself from a man who would do this type of thing. I believe there’s absolutely a chasm between my husband and the type of man who would attack Sarah Everard. But they’ve also both grown up within a system that is weighted against women. He’s had to recognise that. He’s had to say: ‘OK, I have to be personally accountable for how I behave within the system, how I relate to other men, how I hold them to account.’”

Post-Everard, a lot of grown men have been going about this business of slow extraction, gloopily removing their feet from tacky alliances, putting aside all the omertàs, wondering just what we’ve let happen to malekind on our watch, especially out on the fringes. Imagine, I thought, after speaking to Asika, if we could raise our sons to think so clearly from the start, no extrication or re-education necessary, and above all no sudden shocking murder as a prompt.

“I see parenting as an act of social change,” Bobbi Wegner told me, when we spoke by phone one afternoon. A clinical psychologist and a Harvard lecturer, she has two sons aged 10 and 12, young men who, in Wegner’s candid phrasing, are “positioned to be the future dickheads of the world, quite honestly. They’re white. They’re privileged. OK, none of that’s their fault. But they do get sent a specific set of messages from the culture: that the world is theirs for the taking. And I want them to appreciate and understand this. It’s such a huge piece [of the pie]. I want them to have an awareness of their position. And use it.”

It wasn’t enough to raise boys not to be dickheads, Wegner had started to think. Better if they grew up anti-dickhead. Better if they ushered in a post-dickhead world. Wegner described for me her radicalising moment as a mother of sons in the 21st century. “It was 2017. Harvey Weinstein was happening . I had the radio on and they were talking about his crimes. My son was in the room.”

Wegner, as a teacher sensing a teaching moment, stopped herself from switching off the radio and instead she began to explain to her son what Weinstein had done. How this rich and famous guy touched women when they didn’t want to be touched. How he said things that made them feel unsafe. “My son took it in, didn’t bat an eye, then said: ‘What, that’s illegal? Didn’t President Trump do that? ’” Wegner reeled back. “Like: woah, woah, woah. Did he think that all this was permissible? It made me realise he was getting messaging that I just had no clue about. And if I hadn’t asked him or brought it up that day, maybe it would have kept baking into his identity.”

She hit the Harvard library hard, reading all the research she could and reaching the opinion (crystallised in her book that was published last year called Raising Feminist Boys ) that it wasn’t enough to teach girls to protect themselves. Boys had to be taught not to harm. Wegner told me: “What we know about sexual assault is that a lot of it happens at high-school age and college age [roughly 14 to 21], when boys’ frontal lobes aren’t even developed yet. We have all these boys who’ve been seeing sexual content in puberty. They’re really excited to get naked with girls. They don’t have a lot of rules about and parameters around what’s OK and not OK. Sexual assault can end up happening as a kind of crime of impulsivity, a lack of empathy, a not-knowing.” Wegner felt sure that if these were drivers of a certain type of sexual assault, these things could be tackled and perhaps eradicated with something as cheaply and readily available as conversation.

At home, as a parent of sons, Wegner said, she had settled on a programme of curiosity, small provocative questions (“Helping them to notice and wonder about things”) and a determined unsqueamishness when it came to any discussion of sex.

“Quite honestly it’s a work-in-progress,” she said. That phrase again. “I have my sons sitting in my living room, now, looking at me.” What to say to them today, she wondered? And tomorrow? And after that? “All I know is that this is tied together,” she said, “sex, relationships, identity, power differentials, this is happening to them. So as a parent you can either decide to turn a blind eye and see what happens, which seems like too much of a gamble to me, or you can appreciate that this is the reality and you can be in the passenger seat beside your son as they go through this stuff.”

E very parent of boys I spoke to for this story stressed, at some point or other, the same thing. They didn’t have the answers. They only felt as though they were starting, belatedly, to ask better questions. They were um-ing a lot, ah-ing, hoping for accidental insight between the sighs and the tuts and the head-scratching.

It was a comfort to me, that nobody knew anything for sure, as I walked my son home from school last week. He was idling along, holding my hand, softly singing one of those repetitive playground rhymes that kids spread among one another like ailments. “Boys always win,” he chanted. “Girls in the bin.”

Surely there was a composed, ameliorative, just-right response that would get my son questioning this sentiment, I said to myself. Think fast! In the end I murmured a lame riff on the chant, one in which everyone won. Nobody went in the bin. My son looked at me when I was finished, quite plainly thinking: ‘Jesus, mate, there’s no way that will catch on in my playground.’ But he kept holding my hand as we walked. I took it as a sign he was willing to be steered, and that that was still my job, however ham-fisted or clumsy the effort. I waited for the next prompt.

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Parents’ Influence on a Child Essay: How Parents Affect Behavior and Development

Do you wonder how parents influence their child? Read our parents’ influence on a child essay example and learn about the parental impact on behavior and development.

Introduction

• Financial Resources
• Education Level

Unemployed Parents

• Involvement of Parents
• Support from Parents
• Understanding of the Child’s Future
• Motivation from Parents
• Parental Goal-Setting
• The Importance of Discipline

Parents are means of structuring their child’s future. They have a very crucial role to play in their child’s growth and his/her conduct. During the days when schooling was considered to be accessible only to the children of the opulent, those who were not privileged enough to go to school, remained at home and helped their parents in daily chores.

Such children used to emulate their parents in their deeds and conduct. “In large part, we as children are shaped by what we see our parents do and how we see them act. I know that I have tried to model after my parents in many ways because I think they have done many things right” (Enotes, 2010).

But during the years, owing to the numerous opportunities available, parents have started devoting more time towards their work. Moreover, education has been simplified and has easy access. Children have started going to schools and as such, both parents and their children don’t have enough time to spend with each other. But still there are parents who devote time towards their children and try and teach them.

It has been observed that children, who have their parents’ guidance and participation in their school activities, achieve more in life as compared to those who totally depend on their schools. “…is that when parents get involved in their children’s education, they offer not only information specific to the classroom, but likely help in giving children a broader level of academic information” (Jeynes, 2011).

There are a few factors related to parents that have a major role to play in the child’s upbringing and education. These are:

Financial resources of parents

Financial resources mean the income of the parents. If the income of parents is good, they can afford to provide extra study material to their child at home. There is a lot of referencing material required by children and as such parents earning better can provide their child with books, periodicals, magazines, etc. Technological devices like the computer play an important role in a child’s standard of education. Parents earning handsomely can provide their child with a computer at home so that he/she can complete online projects. “Poverty takes a toll on students’ school performance. Poor children are twice as likely as their more affluent counterparts to repeat a grade; to be suspended, expelled, or drop out of high school; and to be placed in special education classes” (Education).

Education level of the parents

If the parents are well educated, they ought to understand the importance of education and will encourage their child to study better and up to high levels. Uneducated or less educated parents will not be able to understand the importance of moulding their child’s career from the early school days. On the contrary, well educated parents will understand that for achieving success and objectives, the foundation of their child should be strong.

Unemployed parents are disgruntled and as such the atmosphere at home is not conducive for a child to study. Children find it suffocating at home and as such can’t concentrate on their studies even at their schools. Nicole Biedinger remarked that “…it is hypothesized that the home environment and family background are very important for the cognitive abilities and for their improvement” (Biedinger 2011). He further continues that “Previous research has shown that there exist developmental differences of children from different social classes” (Biedinger, 2011).

Involvement of parents

It will not be contradictory to state that parents and schools have an equal effect on the development of children. Both have an important role to play and are links to a child’s future. Even if one of the links is missing, it will have a negative impact on the child. Parents can get involved in their child’s upbringing by keeping a constant vigil on his/her school work. They can also visit his/her school on occasions such as parent-teacher meetings, annual days, sport events, social get-togethers, etc. All this will help in developing confidence in the child and also a sense of safety and protection.

Once a child is grown up, the parents can still contribute towards building their child’s confidence and identifying his/her qualities by talking to him/her on various career related issues.

Support from parents

Even if parents are not able to contribute financially by providing the essential tools for education, they can at least act as moral boosters for their child. They can inculcate, in their child, the habit of studying hard in order to attain success in life. Such children can defy all odds and prove to fulfil their parents’ aspirations. Alison Rich emphasized that “A cognitively stimulating home need not be one that is rich in material resources. Parents can simply discuss issues of importance with their children, talk to them about what they are doing in school, or spend time doing activities that will develop their skills and abilities” (Rich, 2000).

Parents’ understanding of their child’s future

Simply by getting involved in their child’s school activities, parents cannot guarantee their child’s success. Parents should be well acquainted with the ongoing educational process and various courses available. Information on when to go for any particular course is very crucial. As for example, parents must be aware of any courses that their child might require before going to the college. There are various pre-college courses that improve the grasping power of students. Further, a child will not be able to tell as to what he/she wants to achieve in life. But parents, by knowing his/her interests, can assess their child’s inclination and can further encourage him/her to pursue those interests.

Motivation from parents

Usually, parents tell bed-time stories to their children. These stories have a great impact on the way a child thinks and are instrumental to quite some extent in moulding his/her behaviour and conduct. So parents should tell such stories that have some moral values. The child will get inspired from them and behave accordingly. Stories of heroes and successful people will encourage the child to be like one of them. Parents can also motivate their children by doing good acts themselves.

Parents to set goals for their child

Achieving one’s goals in life is a very important factor of success. Success comes to those who achieve their aims and objectives. Even though there are no fixed parameters for achieving success, it solely depends on the hard work, enthusiasm and motivation of a person. These qualities don’t come instantly but have to be nurtured since childhood. So parents, who want their child to succeed, should start giving him/her small targets to be completed in a given time-frame. Gradually, the child will be habituated to achieve targets and this will be helpful to a great extent in his/her future life, may it be his/her education or career.

Inculcating the importance of discipline

Being disciplined is one of the most critical requirements of being successful. Similar to the habit of achieving targets, discipline also doesn’t come instantly. It has to be inculcated since childhood.

Parents can teach discipline to their child by following certain rules. They can have strict time frames for different activities of their child at home such as study hours, watching the television programmes, having supper and other meals, and going to bed. A sense of responsibility can also be imposed on the child by allocating to him/her certain house-hold tasks.

Having mentioned all the above factors, it can be concluded that parents have an ever-lasting impact on their child’s education. It has been observed that in cases where parents have involvement in their children’s education, the children portray the following virtues: better grades at school, better rates of graduation, fewer absentees from school, better inspiration and confidence, abstaining from drugs, smoking, alcohol and other sedatives, transparency, and being responsible.

Both parents and the school have to work in mutual co-operation to enhance the educational experience of a child and to mould his/her career. In fact, schools encourage parents to be more involved in their children’s activities because the school authorities know that parents’ involvement can bring about great positive changes in the students. That’s the reason schools invite parents to attend various school activities and functions.

Biedinger, N. (2011). The influence of education and home environment on the cognitive outcomes of preschool children in Germany . Web.

Education. (n.d.). Out-of-school influences and academic success-background, parental influence, family economic status, preparing for school, physical and mental health . Web.

Enotes. (2010). How do parents influence children in life? Web.

Jeynes, W. (2011). Parental involvement and academic success . New York: Routledge.

Rich, A. (2000). Beyond the classroom: How parents influence their children’s education . Web.

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How to raise successful kids without overparenting

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Moms and dads often feel like they can’t win. If they pay too much attention to their kids, they’re helicopter parents; too little, and they’re absentee parents. What’s the happy medium that will result in truly happy, self-sufficient kids? Here are five tips.

1. give your kids things they can own and control..

“Enlist the children in their own upbringing. Research backs this up: children who plan their own goals, set weekly schedules and evaluate their own work build up their frontal cortex and take more control over their lives. We have to let our children succeed on their own terms, and yes, on occasion, fail on their own terms. I was talking to Warren Buffett’s banker, and he was chiding me for not letting my children make mistakes with their allowance. And I said, ‘But what if they drive into a ditch?’ He said, ‘It’s much better to drive into a ditch with a $6 allowance than a $60,000-a-year salary or a $6 million inheritance’.“

— Bruce Feiler, writer and author of The Secrets of Happy Families

2. Don’t worry about raising happy kids.

“In our desperate quest to create happy kids, we may be assuming the wrong moral burden. It strikes me as a better goal, and, dare I say, a more virtuous one, to focus on making productive kids and moral kids, and to simply hope that happiness will come to them by virtue of the good they do and the love that they feel from us. I think if we all did that, the kids would still be all right, and so would their parents — possibly in both cases even better.”

— Jennifer Senior, writer and author of All Joy and No Fun

3. Show your kids that you value who they are as people.

“Childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves, and they won’t love themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love. When our precious offspring come home from school or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child. Then, we have to say, ‘How was your day? What did you like about today?’ They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.”

— Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen at Stanford University and author of  How to Raise an Adult

4. Teach your kids to help out around the house — without being asked.

“We absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn’t exist. More importantly, they lack the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, How can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?”

— Julie Lythcott-Haims

5. Remember that the little things matter.

“Quite small things that parents do are associated with good outcomes for children — talking and listening to a child, responding to them warmly, teaching them their letters and numbers, taking them on trips and visits. Reading to children every day seems to be really important, too. In one study, children whose parents were reading to them daily when they were five and then showing an interest in their education at the age of 10 were significantly less likely to be in poverty at the age of 30 than those whose parents weren’t doing those things.”

— Helen Pearson, science journalist and author of The Life Project

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Daniel Wong

How to Raise a Happy, Successful Child: 25 Tips Backed by Science

Updated on January 12, 2024 By Daniel Wong 50 Comments

Every parent wants to raise children who are happy and successful.

But there’s so much parenting advice out there.

Who should you listen to?

And which advice is reliable?

To answer those questions, I read through dozens of scientific articles and research journals.

I’ve compiled this list of 25 scientific ways to bring up confident and well-adjusted children .

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1. Become a happier person yourself.

Emotional problems in parents are linked to emotional problems in their children, as explained in Raising Happiness . Not only that, unhappy people are also less effective parents.

Psychologists Carolyn and Philip Cowan have also found that happy parents are more likely to have happy children .

In one study in The Secrets of Happy Families , children were asked: “If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?”

Their answer?

No, it wasn’t that their parents would spend more time with them. Neither was it that their parents would nag at them less, or give them more freedom .

The children’s wish was that their parents were less stressed and tired.

So what can you do to become a happier person? Here’s an article with many practical suggestions.

2. Celebrate as a family, as often as you can.

Happy families celebrate both the small and big things: the end of a busy week, a good grade, the first day of school, a job promotion, holidays and festivals.

The celebrations can be as simple as going to the park together, or as elaborate as throwing a surprise party.

Happy families lead to happy children, so make it a point to celebrate as a family often.

3. Prioritize your marriage over your children.

Family therapist David Code, author of To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First , says: “Families centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children . We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives and marriages for our kids.”

He goes on to explain, “The greatest gift you can give your children is to have a fulfilling marriage.”

I’m not a marriage expert, but here are some tips to strengthen your marriage (they’ve definitely helped me and my wife!):

• Hug at least twice a day
• Greet each other joyfully
• Compliment each other
• Hold hands often
• Have regular dates
• Spend at least 20 minutes in conversation every day
• Say “I love you” every day

4. When your children talk to you, give them your undivided attention.

Communicating well with your children is vital if you want them to be happy and successful. One powerful way to do this is to give them your full attention whenever they speak to you.

This means putting aside your newspapers and electronic devices, and really listening to what they have to say.

You’ll respond more thoughtfully, which will encourage your children to become more communicative.

5. Have regular meals together as a family.

Children who have regular meals with their families become more successful in school and in almost every area, as explained in The Secrets of Happy Families.

These children have larger vocabularies, greater self-confidence, and get better grades . They are also less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, engage in other risky teenage behaviors , or develop psychological issues.

And all because these families frequently have meals together!

6. Teach your children to manage their emotions.

John Gottman’s research shows that children who can regulate their emotions focus better, which is important for long-term success. These children even enjoy better physical health.

To help your children manage their emotions, you should:

• Demonstrate emotional self-management yourself
• Empathize with your children
• Explain to your children that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are
• Acknowledge your children’s progress

7. Teach your children to build meaningful relationships.

Jack Shonkoff and Deborah Phillips found that having strong relationships is vital for children’s growth and psychological well-being.

Children who lack these relationships do worse in school, are more likely to get in trouble with the law, and are more likely to have psychiatric problems.

What can parents do to help their children form meaningful relationships?

Parents must respond appropriately to their children’s emotional cues (see Point #6). By doing so, their children will feel more secure. This forms the foundation of self-esteem.

Parents should create an environment for their children to form friendships, while also teaching them to resolve conflicts.

8. Set reasonable boundaries for your children.

Parents who set and enforce reasonable boundaries raise confident, successful children.

Dr. Nancy Darling and Dr. Linda Caldwell found that effective parents explain the logic of the rules to their children. These parents state the principles behind the rules. In so doing, they form a closer, more understanding relationship with their children.

Darling says about parents who don’t set boundaries: “… kids take the lack of rules as a sign that their parents don’t actually care – that their parents don’t really want this job of being a parent.”

As a parent, it’s unhealthy to be too controlling. But children need boundaries to make the most of their potential.

9. Ensure that your children get enough sleep .

Research shows that children who get insufficient sleep:

• Have poorer brain function
• Can’t focus well
• Are more likely to become obese
• Are less creative
• Are less able to manage their emotions

Scary list, isn’t it?

To help your children get enough sleep, establish a consistent bedtime routine and limit stimulating activities after dinner.

In addition, don’t allow screen time within one to two hours of bedtime. This is because the blue light from electronic devices affects sleep patterns and inhibits melatonin production .

You can also make your children’s bedroom as quiet and dark as possible, to improve their sleep quality.

10. Focus on the process, not the end result.

Parents who overemphasize achievement are more likely to bring up children who have psychological problems and engage in risky behavior, as described in Raising Happiness .

The alternative to focusing on achievement?

Focus on the process .

As Dr. Carol Dweck’s research shows, children who concentrate on effort and attitude – not on the desired result – end up attaining greater success in the long run.

So look out for opportunities to acknowledge your children’s good behavior, attitude, and effort. As time goes by, they’ll naturally achieve better outcomes.

11. Give your children more time to play.

When I say “play,” I’m not referring to arcade or iPad games. I’m referring to unstructured playtime, preferably outdoors.

Raising Happiness describes how playtime is essential for children’s learning and growth. The research even indicates that the less unstructured playtime children have, the more likely they are to have developmental issues related to their physical, emotional, social, and mental well-being.

Having a playful attitude is even linked to superior academic performance. So give your children more unstructured playtime, and they’ll become better students .

Of course, this isn’t going to turn them into straight-A students on its own, but play is important for their overall development.

12. Reduce your children’s TV time.

The studies quoted in Raising Happiness show a strong link between increased happiness and less TV time. In other words, happy people watch less TV than unhappy people.

A study of over 4,000 teenagers found that those who watched more TV were more likely to become depressive. This likelihood increased with more TV time.

Set an example for your children by limiting your own TV time. You can also have a family discussion to decide on your family’s TV-watching guidelines.

(The research I found focused on TV time, but I’m sure the results would be similar for other kinds of screen time as well.)

13. Encourage your children to keep a gratitude journal.

Keeping a gratitude journal can increase your happiness levels by 25% over just 10 weeks, as shown by Dr. Robert Emmons’ research .

I’m sure the results would have been even more impressive if the duration of the study was longer!

Not only were the participants who kept a gratitude journal happier, they also had more hope for the future, and they fell sick less often.

How can you start keeping a gratitude journal?

Step 1: Get a notebook and pen, and put them on your bedside table.

Step 2: Every night before you go to sleep, write down two to three things that you’re thankful for. ( Don’t worry about how “big” or “small” these things are.)

Here are some examples of what you might write:

• Good health
• Loving family
• Beautiful sunset
• Delicious chicken stew for dinner
• Smooth traffic on the way home

14. Allow your children to make their own choices (including choosing their own punishment).

The Secrets of Happy Families discusses a University of California study, which identified the benefits of letting children plan their own schedules and set their own goals .

These children were more likely to become disciplined and focused, and to make wiser decisions in the future.

The researchers also found that it’s helpful for parents to let their children choose their own punishments. Children who do so break the rules less frequently.

Let your children pick their own activities too, whenever possible. Dr. Rich Gilman discovered that children who participate in structured school activities that they’ve chosen are 24% more likely to enjoy going to school .

So as your children get older, give them the freedom to make more of their own choices. They’ll become happier and more successful as a result.

15. Resolve the conflicts in your marriage.

Children whose parents have serious marital conflicts perform worse academically, are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, and are more likely to have emotional problems, as shown by this study by Kelly Musick .

No surprises there.

Through my work with students, I interact with many parents as well. I’m shocked by the number of families in which the parents have major ongoing marital issues. (Based on my observations, I estimate that 30% of these marriages are breaking apart.)

This definitely impacts the children, who become less motivated, responsible, and engaged.

If you have issues in your marriage that have gone unresolved for months or years, please seek help from a therapist or counselor. Your children – and your marriage – are counting on you.

16. Encourage your children to serve others and be generous.

Dr. Mark Holder’s study of children aged 8 to 12 indicates that children who feel as if their lives are meaningful are also happier.

What makes them perceive their lives as more meaningful?

When they serve other people, e.g. making a difference in the community, volunteering, helping their friends and family.

Being generous also makes children happier, as found by Dr. L.B. Aknin . She discovered that toddlers are happier when they give away treats to others than when they receive treats. Interestingly, toddlers become even happier when they give away treats that belong to them, rather than the same treats that don’t belong to them.

So encourage your children to serve others and be generous, and find ways to do this as a family too.

17. Promote a healthy body image.

Having a healthy body image is especially important for girls, although it can affect boys as well .

According to a study conducted by the Institute of Child Health , one-third of 13-year-old girls are upset over their weight. In addition, research by Dove found that 69% of mothers make negative comments about their bodies in front of their children. This affects their children’s own body image.

Here are some ways to promote a healthy body image in your children:

• Focus on the health benefits of exercise, rather than on how it affects your appearance
• Focus more on your children’s character and skills development, and less on their appearance
• Exercise together as a family
• Talk to your children about how the media influences the way we view our bodies
• Don’t talk about how guilty you feel after eating certain foods
• Don’t pass judgment on other people’s appearance

18. Don’t shout at your children.

Dr. Laura Markham describes how yelling at your children can quickly turn your home into a perpetual battleground. Children who live in such a hostile environment are more likely to feel insecure and anxious.

If you’re on the verge of losing your temper, remove yourself from the situation. Take 10 minutes to collect your thoughts before speaking to your child again. Practice empathizing with your children’s feelings through a process called “emotion coaching.”

If it helps, imagine that your friend or boss is there with you in the room. This way, you’ll speak more calmly to your children.

19. Teach your children to forgive.

Dr. Martin Seligman, widely recognized as the father of positive psychology, has identified forgiveness as a key element that leads to happiness in children . Unforgiveness has even been linked to depression and anxiety .

Children who learn to forgive are able to turn negative feelings about the past into positive ones. This increases their levels of happiness and life satisfaction.

Be a role model for your children.

Don’t hold grudges against people who have wronged you, and take the initiative to resolve personal conflicts. Discuss the importance of forgiveness with your children, so that they will turn forgiveness into a lifestyle.

20. Teach your children to think positively.

Not surprisingly, Dr. Seligman also found that children who are more optimistic tend to be happier.

How can you teach your children to think positively?

Encouraging them to keep a gratitude journal is one way (see Point #13). Here are some additional ways:

• Develop a positive attitude yourself
• Don’t complain
• Don’t gossip
• Don’t make a huge deal out of spilled drinks, broken plates, etc.
• See the good in others and acknowledge it
• Teach your children to phrase things positively, e.g. “I like playing with David and Sarah” instead of “I hate playing with Tom”
• Tell your children about the challenges you face, and how those challenges are helping you grow

21. Create a family mission statement.

Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets of Happy Families , advises parents to develop a family mission statement. This statement describes your family’s values and collective vision.

Just about every organization has a mission statement, and so should your family. Here’s an excellent step-by-step guide to creating your family mission statement.

My own family has done it – the process was extremely meaningful!

22. Have regular family meetings.

Feiler’s other recommendation is to have a 20-minute family meeting once a week. During the meeting, he suggests that you ask all family members these three questions:

• What did you do well in the past week?
• What did you not do so well in the past week?
• What will you work on in the coming week?

When I was younger, my family used to have regular meetings. These meetings brought the family closer together, and reinforced the importance of family relationships.

To this day, I still remember how I excited I was about attending those meetings. So I encourage you to start this practice if you haven’t already done so.

23. Share your family history with your children.

The research shows that children who know more about their family history have higher levels of self-esteem. This contributes to their success and happiness later in life.

Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush have developed a “Do You Know” scale that lists 20 questions, which children should be able to answer about their family history.

These questions include “Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?” and “Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?”.

Sharing your family history strengthens family bonds, and helps your children to become more resilient.

24. Create family rituals.

Family rituals increase family cohesiveness and enable children to develop socially, as shown by Dr. Dawn Eaker and Dr. Lynda Walters’ research .

Make a conscious effort to create these rituals in your family.

Here are some examples:

• Have breakfast as a family every Saturday
• Have a family board game night
• Cook dinner as a family
• Go for evening walks
• Hold a weekly family meeting (see Point #22)
• Go camping as a family once a year
• Spend one-on-one time with each of your children once a month

25. Help your children to find a mentor.

Children who have a trusted adult in their life (apart from their parents) have 30% higher levels of life satisfaction than children who don’t, Dr. Lisa Colarossi has discovered.

You can find a mentor for your child by asking your friend to take on the role, by encouraging your child to join an organization like the Boys & Girls Club, or by signing up for a mentoring program (like this one that I offer).

Here’s a useful article with more information and guidelines.

The bottom line

Parenting is a noble calling, but it’s challenging to bring up confident and well-adjusted children.

But with these 25 tips, I hope the task is less daunting.

You can definitely develop the skills needed to be a great parent .

So take it one step at a time and one day at a time!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

October 19, 2015 at 2:17 pm

Superb blog… hope this helps me..

October 19, 2015 at 3:20 pm

Thanks, Vidhi. I definitely hope it helps!

October 19, 2015 at 3:16 pm

Very useful article about raising a happy and successful child. I try to follow these steps.

October 19, 2015 at 3:21 pm

Thank you, Shivani. All the best as you try to follow the steps!

October 19, 2015 at 9:51 pm

It is 27 years late for me but I am happy we have the guide now for the current generation family

October 20, 2015 at 8:47 am

No worries, it’s never too late 🙂

October 19, 2015 at 11:02 pm

I really enjoy reading your articles especially since you make it into easy steps that parents like me can follow. Hope you can come up with more. Many thanks .

October 20, 2015 at 8:48 am

Thank you for your kind words!

October 20, 2015 at 4:19 am

It is amazing how many of these techniques one can intuitively employ without knowing this “List”..bottom line….”if your life’s work is not to make your children better than you are..then get a new job “

That’s a cool saying, Neil!

April 28, 2019 at 12:20 am

100% agree to that statement. Its a tough world out there and you definitely want your kids to be better than you to enjoy life even more.

October 20, 2015 at 1:25 pm

Wow! Great compilations! Thanks!

October 20, 2015 at 2:30 pm

You’re welcome! Yes, it did take me about 20 hours to write the article, including doing the research 🙂

February 19, 2021 at 4:55 am

I thought it took you a long time😂😂😂

October 20, 2015 at 4:24 pm

Thanks for the great tips.

October 20, 2015 at 7:52 pm

I’m glad that you like the tips!

October 21, 2015 at 1:19 am

A well-written, insightful article indeed! Thank you for sharing. Like your practical, easy-to-follow guide on raising a happy and successful child. Must share it with all my friends.

October 21, 2015 at 9:25 am

You’re welcome, Judy. I hope your friends find the article useful too 🙂

October 22, 2015 at 9:32 am

Daniel…Thank you very much for this article. It’s a must read especially for those wanting to starting a family.

October 22, 2015 at 1:11 pm

You’re very welcome 🙂

October 22, 2015 at 11:46 am

Great tips for parenting Daniel. I’m a 59 y/o mother and I’ve performed most of your tips but some were missed. All I want is to share this to my children who are now building their own family. I can say my children grew up happy, loving and disciplined. Thank you for sharing your tips

January 2, 2021 at 7:43 am

Can a single mum also make it work? My poor son. He can’t just stand my voice. Can I still turn things around?

October 22, 2015 at 1:12 pm

I’m glad to hear that your children are doing well. It sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job as a mother!

September 12, 2018 at 2:19 pm

Really really wonderful ideas👍

October 9, 2018 at 11:04 am

Really enjoyed reading the article!!! Thank you

November 3, 2018 at 2:10 am

My daughter is struggling with my 3 1/2 year old daughter. I found this article and this is just what she needs to hear. Outstanding suggestions! I have told my daughter she needs to fix her and her relationship, before Ella (granddaughter) will ever have a chance. I hope reading this will help her made the right choices. Thank you! Tammie

November 25, 2018 at 2:15 pm

Very nice article ! Love to read more from you..

December 8, 2018 at 10:18 am

I am really tired and numb from my husband’s problems. I’ve been marroed to him for years, and things getting worse. I have a 7 years old boy and 5 years old girls. It is obviously that they bevome traumatized. They have become very sesetive alwyas not happy and having nihjtmares that they will loose their mom someday. They dont want me to have divorce. What sould i do?

December 28, 2018 at 8:52 am

Thank you for your very useful articles.

January 16, 2019 at 6:39 am

Excellent and very precise tips in bringing up a good and successful child, it’s too late for me though but I hope my grand children will follow and become a roleodel and successful children

March 17, 2019 at 1:51 pm

The parents must love each other.

March 22, 2019 at 2:57 am

This article is great. Thank you for putting this together.

April 4, 2019 at 1:43 am

Hi Daniel Wong.

Thank you very much for very valuable suggestions that will help every family to help, guide, support, share, care child/children. Thanks once again for sharing.

May 21, 2019 at 12:46 am

My little girl could ask a lot of questions, sometimes i want to ignore but as tired as i am i still need to give her the attention needed, thanks for this article, am so grateful.

May 30, 2019 at 12:11 pm

Loved your article. Has practical tips and I found hardly any important point(based on my reading and experience) missing. Thanks!!!

June 25, 2019 at 11:08 am

Hi Daniel, This is a real good article and I am grateful to you for writing and sharing with us, . I realized the mistakes I have made and will definitely try to rectify them. THANK YOU! May God bless you.

November 22, 2019 at 11:14 pm

good piece of work

February 16, 2020 at 12:09 pm

When you mentioned providing undivided attention to your children…that really struck me. It is really hard to put 100% of my attention on any one of my children (I have three), but I just think I really need to try harder to make this happen.

February 22, 2020 at 6:44 am

Wonderful advise ,keep the good works!

May 23, 2020 at 9:59 pm

Will surely implement these tips as much as I can for my children. They are realistic.

July 8, 2020 at 6:11 am

Good article, I completely agree with all ideas. However…the last point of 24. “Date” your children, really needs to be reworded….quite disturbing. I understand the idea but not the way it’s relayed.

July 8, 2020 at 9:44 am

Thanks, Leanne. I had never seen it from that perspective before, but I’ve taken your feedback into account and I’ve reworded it. Thanks!

July 20, 2020 at 11:55 am

Thank you so much Daniel

August 24, 2020 at 11:07 am

Great article thanks .

December 31, 2020 at 6:08 pm

Excellent coverage…Happy !!!

January 30, 2021 at 7:59 pm

I like it, very reasonable words of advice.

February 10, 2021 at 10:39 am

That really helps a lot, thanks

February 20, 2021 at 12:03 am

Thanks for these amazing thoughts ☺️

April 11, 2021 at 4:15 am

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

October 5, 2021 at 1:15 pm

Im not a parent but I’m glad I stumbled on this article. Imma remember all this when I grow up.

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Bringing Up Children

Raising a child is the hardest, most responsible and satisfying task a human being can face. It’s also the job for which people receive the least formal training. Each person’s knowledge of how to bring up a child usually comes from their surroundings and their own upbringing. This may result in patterns from the parent’s own social experiences being repeated and passed on to their children. Parents are role models Parents are the most influential role models children are likely to have. Parents who pay compliments and show respect, kindness, honesty, patience, hospitality to their children will encourage them to behave in the same way.

Parents should express their unconditional love for their children, show much patience, as well as provide them with the continued support they need to become self-assured and happy and they shouldn’t feel neglected. It’s also important that parents set reasonable expectations for their children and tell them in plain words what they expect from them and after that parents need to give them a realistic picture of their accomplishments. Why is discipline necessary? Discipline is crucial when bringing up a child. All children need and want reasonable boundaries.

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Through discipline your child learns that some kinds of behaviour are acceptable and others are not. Setting boundaries for children’s behaviour helps them to learn how to behave in society. Discipline is difficult to deal with because it demands consistency. Being a parent is a 24-hour job. The rules have to apply every day. Inconsistency and lack of discipline create confused and rootless children – who will test their parents constantly to find out what the world is all about. This is why parents, who put in the effort every day to provide consistent boundaries to their children, will (eventually! end up with better behaved kids. Spending enough time with your children A child’s greatest need is quality time with their parents. Finding time to spend together as a family can be difficult but your children should feel part of the family. So try to arrange a time each day, such as during breakfast or dinner, when the entire family can be together. Children should appreciate it and they have to feel friendly atmosphere of the family. Fixed routines are important for children. It’s also a good idea for everyone to get together and talk but try not to create tension and not to put fat in fire.

Everybody should take part in the conversation: parents should pay attention and show interest in whatever their children say. Children like to have special days reserved for special activities. For example, Thursday afternoon at the library with Dad, or Friday night swimming with Mum. Such rituals and routines build strong families and they live up to parents’ expectation. Encourage your children to take part in planning activities and give your children a choice. It’s good for a family to do a variety of fun things together, such as playing games and going to the movies or concerts.

What will good communication teach children? Offering explanations will help children work matters out for themselves. Take time to point out how things are connected, for example, in terms of cause and effect. Parents, who think out loud with their children, will see them develop a similar train of thought. They will learn to talk and think in a more sophisticated way. If parents express emotions and feelings, their children will learn it’s okay to do the same. When your children want to talk or ask questions, encourage them.

If you’re dismissive, or always say you’re too busy, they may express frustration and stop wanting to share their thoughts and feelings. If the family has a problem that concerns your child, involve them in the discussion. Try to find possible solutions together with him or her. When discussing options, also talk about consequences. The possible outcome will influence your final decision. Be open to the child’s suggestions. Let them take part in the negotiations and the decision. A child who experiences this kind of communication will become confident and learn the rules of good communication.

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BRINGING UP CHILDREN. Here are some hints on how to Bring up children.

HELLEN NJERI

When that marble drops…

Children are gifts from God. Parents should welcome their existence and be aware of the challenges they might encounter during their upbringing. They require wisdom. Parents should prepare their tools and arm themselves appropriately. Most of the heartaches gotten from bringing up children are out of misunderstanding, lack of knowledge and non-desire to accommodate each other. The equation should be learned beforehand.

After a fruitful courtship, parents get into an agreement. They agree on raising up children and living happily together after that. Through communication and love, parents can bring up children without too much pressure or emotional strain. Besides, parents should agree on guidelines and, set various rules in their households.

Well, bringing up children can be tasking, but it can be made more comfortable and more accommodating by learning about ideologies that have either worked earlier or gaining information from reliable sources like the internet. Parents learn a lot from their children by and by as they grow up. Every child has his/her design of upbringing, not all are of the same character.

God expects us to take care of our gifts here on earth. He commands parents not to spare the rod. “Don’t spoil them”! He later reminds us that; the rod must be neutral; not to subject the same children into anger. Does this seem complicated? It seems a riddle, Right? The bible is full of contradictory statements; it’s our duty to embrace and enlighten ourselves on them. “Fathers,  do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4

Bringing up children is like an equation, however, let’s discuss it.

• Children should feel accommodated and loved by their parents.
• Every stage of a child’s growth can be termed as fragile. Therefore, one should be very cautious. They should be taken care of with humility.
• Parents should find the value of their gifts. They should be handled with care – more than a precious jewel.
• Recognize the various stages in life beforehand. Don’t be caught unawares.
• Parents should agree on rules and guidelines – all unison. Boundaries will be set and should be in line with each other.
• Parents; please, don’t argue in broad daylight, let them retire to bed. Have your kangaroo court when children retire and, come up with a conclusive decision. There are consequences of arguing at their presence .

1 . Love, Care, and Communication with children.

As long as children feel loved and taken care of by their parents, communication becomes more comfortable. “Wherever there is love at home the heart is at peace.”

When they perform well in their studies, applaud them. Start Communicating with your children at an early age. Lay a good foundation; your child will not be swayed away by the challenges encountered during their growth. They might slip, yes, but they will always apply the tricks and methods of fighting problems learned from their parents -inscribed in their lives. “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it” Proverbs 22:6

2. Arguments, boundaries, and guidelines .

Whenever more than two people are involved in a collective undertaking, rules and regulations must be introduced and put in place for guidance purposes. Parents are put to task to portray a good picture of their children’s lives. Parents are their role models and therefore should be good examples; they are the cornerstone. Children first learn from parents. They learn the merits and demerits of life through their parents. “How can two walks together unless they both agree” Amos 3:3

When parents say; “You should not watch a certain movie,” “You should not go to hang out with so and so,” or “Let’s go and worship,” “Its study time” parents should mean what they say putting obedience into a trial. Children should be guided at a tender age immediately they land on earth. Boundaries should be known to all the family members.

Arguments might occur but should be “cooled” with love. Parents should not raise tantrums on each other in the presence of their children — Try to be sober, and learn how to solve conflicts .  Children tend to pick, and imitate parents – Parents are gods on earth. Parents are their heroes – A Novel of the Pacific War by Harry Mazer states – Heroes Don’t Run.

3. Recognize different stages of life. (Milestones)

Every day marks a reducing figure in one’s life. Take an example of a jar full of marbles; which allows a drop of one marble per day. These marbles are made of glass and are very fragile. Let us assume that the contents of our jar represent one’s lifespan. We are also considering every marble in this jar represents a particular stage in life – liken it to the process of bringing up children, meaning a marble drop is one stage in our child’s growth.

Once a marble falls from the jar, the amount decreases, they aren’t the same in number, like day one. The marble might roll down and settle in an unknown. Every day the fallen marble loses lustre, it gets into contact with dirt or grit. It is no longer smooth but becomes bruised, dull and, scratches occur. It now requires gentle cleaning which will no longer return to its original state – It must be a kind and cautious cleanup.

Parents should recognise different milestones and act because they are entrusted with the most fragile marbles, why? Not all will be accessible to them; the rest will be free after the foundation has been laid by the parents.

These marbles will not be at parents reach throughout their child’s lifespan. Children will leave and go along with their remaining marbles at some point in their lives. Parents should not let a marble drop without their knowledge. It should not reach the ground before proper counselling, moulding, and scraping. When that marble gets out of the jar, it’s no longer enclosed but now let free to face its challenges.

4. Define every character.

Every child adopts a different character when growing up. The upbringing will definitely differ from child-to-child, i.e., according to one’s weaknesses and strength. Picking one marble in the jar means a stage of life has passed – no reversal. Every milestone is of great value. All the contents in this jar should be taken care of with caution. A child is born today and tomorrow will be the next phase of its life. You will find him taking his first steps of life after a few months, like rolling over, crawling, walking, and talking. He will grow under his parents till he reaches adolescence and now ready to face the challenges; now not enclosed but will be set free “out of reach.” He will find a job, run into courtship and have a family too – ready to start his/her equation once again. As the scripture says, “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one .” Ephesians 5:31

It’s an all-round equation.

Parents should instil discipline. Plant the seed early, prune every weed with care as the central plant grows into maturity. Communication will wipe away every fear in children and make them open up to parents. Friendship will always base on love, a good foundation, and trust. Let them know that they have caring and loving parents; it is enough to make them responsible in life. The misunderstanding may occur, but we should solve it in love. Love your children unconditionally and equally – No favours are allowed here.

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It’s about time: supporting parents to bring up happy and healthy children, how early childhood development centres are helping parents from bangladesh and paraguay to rwanda and south africa..

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“I play with her whenever I can. We play ball or sometimes just draw flowers in the dirt with a stick,” says Mohammad Jahirul Islam, 28, dressed in his fire suit, as his daughter Jisha, 3, plays in his other fire protection gear. Jahirul works long hours as a firefighter at a garment factory in Dhaka, Bangladesh, but says the highlight of his day is returning home to read stories with Jisha. 

Being a parent is the most important job in the world. During the first 1,000 days, parents have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to build a baby’s brain and shape a child’s ability to learn and grow.

Every parent wants to give their children the best they can. Yet, many have no choice but to work long hours, often away from home, to support their families.

To help parents get the time and support they need to bring up happy and healthy children, UNICEF works with governments and businesses around the world to invest in family-friendly policies.

To capture the difference such measures can make in families’ lives, photographer Brian Sokol visited Bangladesh, Paraguay, Rwanda and South Africa.

Jahirul poses for a portrait with Jisha at their home surrounded by objects that symbolize the lessons Jahirul's family has gained through the early childhood development day care centre supported by UNICEF Bangladesh and partner organization Phulki: eating healthily, the alphabet and colouring. “My father was a farmer and a businessman. He didn’t have time for the kids," Jahirul says. “As a father I think it’s very important to educate her so that she can grow up and have a better life than we did.

Jisha and Jahirul play football as Jisha’s mother, Moshumi, 21, looks on. Every day while Jahirul and Moshumi work, Jisha stays at the early childhood development centre where she engages in play-based learning in a safe, supervised environment. “Before this generation, raising children was considered women’s work — women couldn’t have a professional life,” Jahirul says. “…[H]aving women work outside the house will help society and give opportunities to children of this generation.”

Christophe, 42, holds his son Kevin, 2, at the tea factory and plantation in Rwanda where he is employed as a tea plucker. Christophe's family life was recently transformed by the creation of an early childhood development centre on the grounds of the tea plantation – an initiative by his employer Sorwathe and UNICEF Rwanda. In addition to on-site childcare, the centre also teaches fathers about becoming involved in the lives of their young children. "That means taking care of them and making time for them — making certain that they don't fear you and they are open to you,” Christophe says. 

"There's nothing more important than playing with your child, it helps with their brain development," Christophe says. Kevin and Christophe lay down for a portrait surrounded by the objects that represent Christophe’s new take on fatherhood since receiving training through the centre. Christophe now plays with his young son – something that he didn't do with his older children. Additionally, he has planted a kitchen-garden where he grows avocados, guavas and other fresh fruits and vegetables.

As he introduces Kevin to his family's cow outside their home, Christophe notes that his family and economic life has changed considerably since the introduction of the early childhood development centre. "…[W]ith our older children, we would leave them out roaming around when my wife and I went to the plantation to work," Christophe says. "We were ill at ease and couldn't work as much as we do now." Thanks to the centre, Christophe's income has increased from 15,000 Rwandan francs (USD$17) to between 25-28,000 francs (USD$28-30) per month – enough to afford a small farm and a cow. 

Rafael Alfonso Araujo, 27, holds his daughter Selva, 2, outside their home in Areguá, Paraguay, where Rafael and his wife Luma, 28, run an independent bakery. The family stays in close contact with the land. “We don’t have a car, we have a bike,” Rafael says. "Everyone recognizes the bike... It’s kind of a member of the family.” Their choice of childcare reflects their values. Selva attends Torore, a UNICEF-supported early childhood development centre that fosters creativity and a love of learning in young children. 

“Torore fits our family like a ring on a finger,” Rafael says, as he and Selva pose for a portrait with items that represent the family’s change in lifestyle. “Torore is a space for development. It makes for creative, free thinkers, which we need more of.” He continues: “(My wife and I) are unlearning bad parenting practices and no longer try to control our kids too tightly. We give them limits, but... we do everything through talking now."

Rafael holds Selva on a playground outside the Torore centre. Running an independent business with two small children isn’t easy, Rafael says, and Torore has provided as much logistical support as it has behavioural lessons. “For our work, we have to go and buy ingredients, then come home and make each [product] by hand, then deliver them. It’s just the two of us and it takes a lot of time,” Rafael says. “The kids are at the [centre] from 9am to 3pm. During those hours we can be more productive."

Sunlight filters through the trees of a park in central Cape Town, South Africa, as Bongani Ngqame, 44, holds his son Khuma, 8 months. “I took two weeks off work when Khuma was born… I wanted to be close to him,” says Bongani, a pharmacist’s assistant. “Being with your new baby, it’s both mentally and emotionally inspiring.” Before Khuma was born, Bongani, participated in a programme called MenCare – implemented by UNICEF’s partner Sonke Gender Justice   – which promotes men’s involvement as equitable, non-violent caregivers. 

Bongani holds Khuma while laying on a blanket circled by some of the objects that have become essential to their lives. “Fathers in previous generations were distant,” Bongani says. “Now we can chat with our children. It didn’t used to be that way… I couldn’t with my dad. We talk about it now, and he’s told me that he regrets things. I hope not to have those regrets with Khuma." South Africa's parliament is now considering a bill that will introduce 10 days of leave for parents who do not qualify for maternity leave thanks to programs such as MenCare. 

When asked about fatherhood’s most challenging aspect, Bongani laughs. “We don’t sleep like before! Honestly though… both of us are working and we share responsibilities,” he says of his girlfriend, Fezeka, who also works. He adds that spending time with a baby brings joy to both parent and infant. “Sometimes when I walk, I just think of the funny things he does… and I just laugh right there in the street.”

It’s About Time

Discover UNICEF’s It’s About Time campaign that calls on world leaders to invest in family-friendly policies. Policies such as paid parental leave, breastfeeding breaks, childcare and child grants. Policies that give parents the time and support they need to bring up happy and healthy children. It’s about time.

Add your voice and tell government and business leaders how they can support you as a parent. Take the parenting poll .

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The power of parenting

Raising happy, healthy and hopeful children

CONCEPTUAL ANALYSIS article

Happy children: a modern emotional commitment.

• Department of History, George Mason University, Fairfax, VA, United States

American parents greatly value children’s happiness, citing it well above other possible priorities. This commitment to happiness, shared with parents in other Western societies but not elsewhere, is an important feature of popular emotional culture. But the commitment is also the product of modern history, emerging clearly only in the 19th century. This article explains the contrast between more traditional and modern views, and explains the origins but also the evolution of the idea of a happy childhood. Early outcomes, for example, included the novel practice of hosting parties for children’s birthdays, another mid-19th-century innovation that has expanded over time. Explaining the intensification of the happiness commitment also reveals some of the downsides of this aspect of popular emotional culture, for example in measurably complicating reactions to childish unhappiness. The basic goal of the essay is to use this important facet of modern emotional history to evaluate a commitment that many modern parents assume is simply natural.

One of the most pervasive beliefs about emotion, at least in American culture, is the idea that children should be happy and that childhood should be a happy, perhaps unusually happy, stage of life. There is little question that many parents are strongly guided by this standard, even though a variety of experts argue that they often go about it in the wrong way. And it is highly likely that many adults simply assume that childhood happiness is a natural connection, that while its implementation may be varied and debated and while a few reprobates may not accept the goal at all, the basic notion is simply a normal part of human life.

International polling confirms the pervasiveness of the happy childhood assumption, in American and several other cultures – though it also opens the door for a somewhat more nuanced assessment. A recent survey found that 73% of Americans rated happiness as the most important goal in raising children and assessing the results of education – far ahead of any other option. And they were joined, or even modestly surpassed, by a number of other modern Western societies: Canada at 78%, with France heading the pack at 86%. Other goals paled in comparison, even though it was possible to select more than one option: only 20% of Americans rated success as a major goal (along with 17% in Australia and the United Kingdom).

However – and here is the first opening for more than a brief summary of the happiness/childhood emotional linkage – several other major societies presented quite a different profile in the same poll. Most strikingly only about 49% of respondents in India selected happiness, overshadowed by the 51% who put success and achievement first. Mexicans also rated success most highly. The Chinese, interestingly, did not seize on success but they did not highlight happiness either, putting good health at the top of the list. The poll suggested, plausibly enough, that a predominant commitment to children’s happiness was an artifact of advanced economic development (bolstered, quite possibly, by a particular dose of Westernism as well) ( Malhotra, 2015 ).

Certainly the American assumption that happiness and childhood go together can be additionally confirmed. A childrearing expert, Robin Berman, puts it this way: “When I give parenting lectures around the country, I always ask the audience ‘What do you want most for your children/’… The near-universal response I get is ‘I just want my kids to be happy.”’ Berman herself deeply challenges the validity of this commitment, but for now the main point, again, is to emphasize the depth of the American assumption (shared, clearly, with other Western societies). It is understandable that many Americans simply take the priority for granted, open perhaps to a discussion of what strategies best achieve the goal but not inclined to subject the goal itself to much scrutiny. The idea that children should be happy, indeed that childhood stands out as a particularly happy time of life, is deeply ingrained ( Berman, 2016 ).

But without placing too much emphasis on international polling, the gap between Western and Asian (or Mexican) responses already suggests that the childhood/happiness equation is not automatic or in any sense natural, but the product of more particular circumstance. And this in turn opens the way to a more searching analysis, aimed initially at determining where the idea that children should be happy came from in the first place and then tracing the way the association has evolved in the United States, with some clear downsides or problems attached.

Assessing the childhood/happiness linkage provides in fact a fruitful opportunity to demonstrate the role of emotions history in shedding light on significant popular assumptions and commitments. The emotions history field, which has grown rapidly within the history discipline over the past 30 years, contends that key aspects of the emotional beliefs and experiences of any society are shaped not by invariable psychobiology but by particular social and cultural circumstances. This means that we can learn more about the past by including emotional variables in the human equation and that – as in this case – we can understand current patterns better if we examine how they have emerged from contrasting assumptions in the past ( Matt and Stearns, 2013 ; Boddice, 2018 ).

In the case of happy children, the emotions history approach raises two initial questions, before we get into most recent evolution of the association: what did people think about happiness and childhood at an earlier point and when (and of course why) did the happiness emphasis begin to develop.

The most glaring historical challenge to the childhood happiness equation is not easy to handle, but it adds up to the statement: before about the middle of the 19th century most Americans (and, probably, most people in most agricultural societies) did not equate children and happiness and indeed were unlikely to see childhood as a particularly happy phase of life ( Greven, 1988 ; Mintz, 2006 ). This does not mean that they necessarily expected children to be unhappy, or that they were gratuitously nasty to children, or that they did not enjoy moments of shared joy. But any kind of systematic happiness, or even a common use of the term, was simply not part of popular expectations ( Gillis, 1981 ). 1

And the reasons for this stance are not hard to identify, in a combination of general features of premodern childhood and some particular cultural assumptions that took deep root in colonial America. In the first place, high child mortality rates – with 30–50% of all children born perishing before age 5 – surrounded children themselves with frequent death and constrained adult reactions as well. A dead child might be deeply mourned, but the expectation of transiency obviously affected perceptions of childhood more generally: adulthood could easily be seen as a preferable state. Further, for most people childhood after infancy was primarily associated with work, under the sometimes rough direction of adults. Childishness, in this context, was not highly valued, as opposed to the early acquisition of more mature qualities. In all probability, obedience was the quality most sought in children themselves. Small wonder that, before the 19th century, few autobiographers spent much time describing their childhoods in any detail or referring to their early years with any pleasure ( Stearns, 2016 ).

This is not to say that before the 19th century children had no pleasure, or that adults never enjoyed their more informal interactions with offspring: considerable historical debate cautions against too gloomy a view. Work requirements were not always too intense, particularly for younger children, and there were informal opportunities for playfulness ( Huizinga, 2016 ). 2 Traditional leisure outlets, and particularly the village festival, gave young people some space for pranks and hijinks. But none of this seriously qualifies the claim that more systematic ideas associating childhood with happiness were lacking.

In the colonial American context, this general situation was exacerbated, particularly in New England, by the strong Protestant commitment to the notion of original sin. How many adults viewed actual children through this severe lens is hard to determine, though it was certainly linked to harsh disciplinary practices in schoolrooms and churches. But even if youngsters were not actively seen as sinners requiring redress, Protestant beliefs certainly argued against conceptions of happy childhoods. Indeed a number of studies suggest that, even for adults, an emphasis on a degree of melancholy was urged even for adults, well into the 18th century ( Greven, 1988 ; Demos, 1999 ; Mintz, 2006 ).

Granting the perils of trying to establish the absence of a quality in the past, the claim seems reasonably secure: the association of childhood and systematic happiness, as opposed to periodic moments of release, is essentially a modern development.

Several factors, taking shape in the later 18th and early 19th centuries in the United States and other parts of the Western world, began to reshape the conception of childhood, despite the lingering hand of the past.

Interest in happiness in general began to accelerate in Western culture during the second half of the 19th century ( Kotchimedova, 2005 ; MacMahon, 2006 ; Jones, 2017 ). The Enlightenment encouraged a new commitment to optimism about life on this earth, and hopes for happiness increased accordingly. Apologies for good humor, common during the previous century with its preference for melancholy in the face of human sinfulness, began to disappear ( Stearns, 1988 ). Even more, a positive expectation that decent people should present a cheerful demeanor began to gain ground. One historian has suggested that, along with the general push from Enlightenment thinking, improvements in dentistry and a decrease in rotten teeth heightened a willingness to smile openly – and to expect others to do the same ( Jones, 2017 ). Emphasis on happiness may also have been furthered by some measurable improvements in life’s comforts, from home heating to cleaner clothing, at least for the property-owning middle classes. And of course, in revolutionary America, pursuit of happiness was listed as a basic right.

This significant cultural shift did not initially apply to children, at least with any specificity. Older beliefs persisted. Checking the rise of attention through the relative frequency word use (happiness, cheerfulness) bears this out suggestively ( Figures 1 , 2 ). Google Ngrams suggest the chronological lag: while references to cheerfulness and happiness in general peaked in relative frequency during the 18th century in American English, commentary on happy children was virtually non-existent until the 19th century, and became at all common only in the middle decades of the century. 3

Figure 1. Frequency of the word “happiness” in American English, 1700–2008, Google Ngram viewer, accessed March 19, 2019.

Figure 2. Frequency of the phrase “happy children” in American English, 1700–2008, Google Ngram viewer, accessed March 19, 2019.

Obviously, sometime was required to overcome earlier assumptions and extend new cultural expectations downward in age. For several decades after 1800, some halting steps suggested the difficulty of fully overcoming earlier standards: thus the idea of cheerful obedience gained ground in family manuals. Insistence on obedience was maintained, but for the first time the potentially demanding hope that it could be accompanied by a cheerful demeanor was added to the list ( Stearns, 2014 ).

In addition to the time required to apply an initially adult innovation to the thinking about children, several other shifts in the first half of the 19th century further explain the timing of the change. Most obviously, amid intense American debate during the 1820s and 1830s, traditional notions of original sin were increasingly replaced, in mainstream Protestantism, by insistence on childish innocence. By the late 1820s the most widely purchased family manuals routinely highlighted children’s sweetness and purity, which only bad adult behavior would corrupt. An obvious barrier to the notion that children might be happy was being lifted, though amid ongoing sectarian dispute ( Sedgwick, 1850 ). 4

Here it is possible to see how the new cultural commitment to happiness combined with several other social factors to generate a new approach to children. Most obviously the birth rate began to drop, which may have facilitated more emotional attention to the individual child. Work obligations increasingly yielded to schooling as a child’s obligation, in the middle classes; seeing children in less functional terms might have contributed to a new interest in happiness, bolstered as well by a desire to cushion the burdens of education. Most tantalizingly, the middle decades of the 19th century saw a general middle-class interest in portraying the family as an emotional refuge from the complexities of economic and social life amid early industrialization – what one historian has called the family as “haven in a heartless world.” Here was a clear context for new attention to cheerful children as part of this equation, linking the shift to social pressures as well as the larger cultural framework ( Lasch, 1977 ; Mintz, 2006 ).

Certainly, as the role of the middle-class family began to shift away from function as a production unit and toward service as a source of emotional refuge and support, the ideal of a loving and happy assemblage, children very much included both as beneficiary and source, became increasingly common. While smile-drenched photographs would await the 20th century, in part thanks to improvements in technology, positive representations of the family unit, often grouped around a piano, became increasingly common ( Mintz, 2006 ).

Again, the middle decades of the 19th century were something of a transition. Association of happiness and childhood continued to gain ground, but explicit discussions of parental obligations concerning happiness, or of happiness as an explicit goal, were not yet fully developed. Had polls been conducted in the 1850s, they might have suggested the same kind of priorities for achievement or health, over happiness, that remain common in places like India or China today.

But one innovation, that would ultimately become emblematic of the conversion of expectations about childhood, quietly started becoming standard fare in middle-class life: the (presumably) happy birthday – directed toward children – girls and boys alike – above all. Here is another case – more specific than children’s happiness in general – where understanding innovation cuts through any assumptions of timelessness ( Pleck, 2000 ; Baselice et al., 2019 ).

For children’s birthdays are a modern invention. Royals publicly touted their birthdays in many societies, going back to the Egyptian pharaohs, as a means of promoting public attention and support. European aristocrats may have begun celebrations in the 18th century, but the emphasis was on adults as well as social privilege. The idea of singling out children depended on a much higher valuation of their individual importance than any traditional society had generated – which is why the emergence of the new practice is so revealing.

The first recorded child birthday in what was becoming the United States occurred in Boston in 1772, for the 12-year old daughter of a wealthy family. Presumably this was a way to show off the family’s wealth as well as honoring a child. As the birthday practice began to spread, very slowly, several goals were often mentioned besides the family’s material achievement: a means of encouraging young people to display gratitude and sometimes as well an opportunity for the birthday child to give little gifts to servants as a token of appreciation ( Pleck, 2000 ; Cross, 2004 ).

By the middle of the 19th century birthday celebrations were clearly becoming more common. Several manuals were written to guide the practice, one of them going through several editions. Emphasis rested on a modest party, with pastries and special fruits (commercial baking was improving at this point, thanks in part to German immigration: an obvious source of cakes). Parents would usually offer a single gift, sometimes a toy but sometimes religious or educational material. By the 1870s, when the hugely successful Ladies Home Journal was founded, women’s magazines began to feature stories about successful birthdays at least once a year, until (by 1900) the practice had become so common that guidance was no longer needed (except perhaps for encouraging parties for adults as well). By this point many African American schools were also celebrating birthdays, and there were signs of working-class and immigrant interest as well ( Prentiss, 1857 ; Barnard, 1861 ; Leslie, 1869 ; Industrial School for Colored Girls, 1916 ).

The new practice faced some opposition (as it still does today in societies were birthdays are just beginning to surface). Some religious writers worried that children would be made too prideful, that a celebration that should actually honor God, or at least one’s parents, was being distorted. While worries about consumer excess were not yet common (this would await the 20th century), some commentators criticized children who came to insist on annual festivities; the demanding child was hardly a traditional ideal ( Davenport, 1864 ; Hill, 1906 ).

But, obviously, birthdays advanced quite rapidly, clearly indicating an eagerness to highlight the individual child, and this even before the massive reduction in child mortality that would further support the practice. And the question, briefly, is why. Of course families imitated each other; undoubtedly children learned from their friends and put some quiet pressure on their parents; consumer success and opportunities to display gratitude continued to enter in. But by the 1850s all the published recommendations on birthdays, and all the comments from approving parents, stressed the role of these festivities in making children happy.

The parents and prescriptive writers who commented on birthdays and cheered them on made the basic goal very clear: birthdays were becoming important because they made children happy, and happiness in turn was quietly turning into a priority. Thus a comment in 1886 insisted that birthdays should be pleasurable, full of “rejoicing jubilees”: “a ripe, full year is a glorious thing to have had,” and for their part children, “poor little things,” “need all the fun they can get.” Schools began to pick up the celebratory theme: a Helena, Montana, high school noted “the charming custom” growing among students and teachers to acknowledge the occasion through surprise parties and small gifts. Late 19th-century etiquette writers, recommending birthday festivities, urged the occasions be “joyous, for children are easy to please” and “nothing is quite as beautiful and gratifying as a group of laughing, happy children.” Childrearing manuals, though late to the topic, echoed similar sentiments. Right after 1900 Alice Birney commended regular attention to birthdays by “makers of happy homes” because of the “pleasure and enthusiasm” that the festivities generated ( A New Idea, 1855 ; Aldrich, 1891 5 ; Gardner, 1904 ; Primary Education Journal, 1907 ; Buffalo High School Yearbook, 1925 ; Helena Independent Newspaper, 1982 ). 6

Beyond the rise of the birthday and its signal connection to aspirations for children’s happiness (and the concomitant expansion of Christmas celebrations), wider commentary on the importance of happy childhood proliferated in the early 20th century. Whereas 19th-century childrearing manuals had remained somewhat hesitant, prioritizing other goals and insisting on connecting happiness to moral behavior, popular entries after 1900 prioritized the goal with no strings attached. “Don’t forget to be indulgent; do your best to make a pleasure possible, and enter heartily into it.” To be sure, parental “readiness” to “bring happiness into your children’s lives” should be rewarded by good behavior. But happiness began to be its own goal, predicated on a belief that children’s dispositions prepared adult qualities, and was important to train people up to be cheerful ( Leach, 1993 ).

From about 1915 on, the happiness theme became truly ubiquitous. “Happiness is as essential as food if a child is to develop into normal manhood or womanhood.” Parents had a “duty” to make their offspring happy: “The purpose of bringing-up in all its phases should be to make the child as happy as possible” (italicized in the original for emphasis) ( Birney, 1905 ). “Make a child happy now and you will make him happy 20 years from now… And happiness is a great thing…It contributes to the making of a normal childhood, which is in turn the foundation of normal manhood or womanhood.” Chapters of parenting books began to be devoted explicitly to the need to promote childish happiness, even, in many accounts, as the expense of discipline. Even the rather severe behaviorist, John Watson, intoned, “Failure to bring up a happy child…falls on the parents’ shoulders” ( Stearns, 2012 ). And, symbolizing the intensification, it was in the 1920s that the song “Happy Birthday” emerged, gaining widespread popularity during the following decade. Enjoyment and nurturing of happy children had become a central feature of ideal family life but also a solemn obligation as part of preparing for successful adulthoods. Finally, the theme began to spill beyond family life, to other institutions that dealt with children. “Cheerfulness” was one of the twelve characteristics enshrined in Boy Scout Law, for example, while the Campfire Girls insisted on happiness directly. And – though this issue remains with us today – schools and teachers began to be drawn into concerns about children’s happiness as well ( Groves and Groves, 1924 ; Spalding, 1930 ; De Kok, 1935 ; Baruch, 1949 ; Gruenberg, 1968 ).

Intensification of the childhood/happiness has obviously continued into recent decades, among other things adding measurably to parental obligations. By the 1960s parents were reporting an increasing sense of obligation to play regularly with their children, as part of their commitment to sponsoring happiness. In the schools, the Social and Emotional Learning movement (another 1960s product) has gained ground, urging teachers to emphasize positivity and guard against less happy emotions. Serving the happy child continues to gain momentum ( Stearns, 2019 ).

But the main point – happy childhood as a product of recent history – deserves primary emphasis. The commitment to happy childhoods obviously builds on the precedents that had developed during the later 19th century. It connected quite explicitly to increasing hopes for happiness in life in general and to beliefs that cheerful people were more likely to win success in life. And the escalation surely benefited from the new demographic framework: with low birth rates and, now, rapidly declining child mortality, it was easier to connect the early years of life with more positive goals. Happy childhoods became part of what has been aptly described as the rise of the “priceless” child ( Zelizer, 1994 ).

Though the idea of children’s happiness emerged over time, and responded to a number of wider cultural and social changes, it must be remembered that it was a really new aspiration. The fact that most modern American, or French, or Canadian parents regard it as a normal goal, indeed a self-evident priority, should not disguise its innovative nature or, in historical terms, its relative recency. Our current assumptions have a past, responding to a changing environment.

But there is more to this historical perspective as well, including some complexities that are at least as relevant to contemporary childhood and parenting as the happiness commitment itself. The evolution of the idea of the happy child, particularly from the early 20th century onward, also highlights some of its downsides and risks. Three points stand out, all of which add to the expansion of parental obligations inherent in the modern happiness theme itself: the extent of parental responsibility: the association with consumerism; and, above all, the problem of sadness.

The first wrinkle in the surge of interest in children’s happiness, as it took shape from the early 20th century onward, was a basic question that was, however, rarely hauled out for explicit evaluation: were children naturally happy, or did parents (and other adults) have an obligation to create happiness in a more difficult terrain? Commentary on birthdays in the 19th century occasionally, as we have seen, suggested that the celebration should help compensate for a less-than-joyous stage in life. And this might touch base with more traditional ideas about the drawbacks to being a child. On the other hand, enthusiasm about childish innocence, though more modern, might emphasize children’s spontaneous gaiety and their positive contribution to a cheerful family.

Actual childrearing materials frequently suggested a mixed opinion – sometimes within a single passage. Thus from a 1920s manual: “childhood is meant to be a joyous time. In the opinion of most adults it is actually the most joyous time of life” (the dramatically modern view). But then, twenty lines down, “Nevertheless it is the province and duty of parents to make the childhood of their progeny a joyous time.” Other materials suggested that the obligations here could be quite demanding.”: “Avoid unpleasant incidents like the plague. They shake the fabric of happiness to its foundations.” Make sure that kids never go to bed sad: “Darling we are quite happy now, aren’t we? Look up and smile at mother… You know she loves you so much and wants you to be always the very happiest little boy in all the world”( O’Shea, 1920 ; Galloway, 2013 ).

Inconsistency about children’s nature, where happiness was concerned, may be built into the modern process to some extent. Many parents will have days when they can simply capitalize on a child’s good mood, and others when a tremendous amount of effort is involved. The uncertainty obviously staked out a potentially challenging obligation for adults, adding to the growing emotional list of what a good parent was responsible for: if children were not naturally happy, or when their mood turned sour, the vigilant parent needed to compensate. But uncertainties also spilled over into the other main complexities of the growing commitment to happiness.

This in turn relates to the second complexity. It was probably inevitable that interests in happy childhood became deeply connected with family consumerism. The marriage began to take clear shape early in the 20th century and it steadily intensified thereafter. The first explicit parental purchases for children date back to the late 18th century, when the focus was on the new genre of children’s books. Interest expanded in the 19th century, as in the practice of birthday gifts, but the range remained rather modest. But with the 20th century, and particularly with the rise of the toy industry, the interest in using purchases to promote children’s happiness became increasingly entrenched.

Many aspects of this intertwining are familiar enough. Shortly after 1900 many parents began to buy toys even for infants (including the soon-famous Teddy Bear). There was brief discussion of whether this kind of attachment to things was desirable in the very young, but hesitation was brief and short-lived. “Things” made children happy and prepared a life of consumer attachments, and they helped fulfill the otherwise daunting parental task of linking childhood and joy. Whole companies devoted their attention to the happiness connection: Disney, founded in the 1920s, made happiness its core theme, and later would proclaim that child-centered parks like the California Disneyland were the “happiest places in the whole world.” Not to be outdone, soon after World War II McDonalds would sell its child-focused and highly caloric burger combination as a “happy meal,” complete with cheap toys ( Cross, 2004 ).

Another post-World War II innovation pushed the linkage further. Many parents began to prepare for Christmases or birthdays by encouraging their children to draw up wish lists, which usually turned out to be quite long and detailed exercises in maximization ( Moir, 2017 ). The result? Another dilemma. As one children’s consumer expert put it: “how much do you want your child to be happy – meeting what you think are their desires?” ( Rosen, 2015 ). Against this, the sheer limits of a family budget (though sometimes transcended through the credit card) and a recurrent concern that many kids were becoming too greedy and materialistic, that they were internalizing the happiness/consumerism equation too thoroughly. Worst of all was a growing belief that children learned, if unwittingly, to play on their parents’ commitment to happiness, developing a sense of entitlement that overwhelmed any sense of gratitude ( Stearns, 2012 ).

The consumer/entertainment/happiness combine played on one final later 20th-century development: a redefinition of boredom. Boredom was a modern concept in itself: the word came into common usage only in the mid-19th century, associated obviously with the growing interest in active happiness. Initially, however, boredom applied to childhood mainly as a character lesson: children should be taught not to be boring. After 1950, however, the meaning was flipped: boredom now became a state to be blamed on others, a reason for personal discontent. And children became adept not only at identifying their boredom, but at strongly implying that their parents, or teachers, or others had an obligation to do something about it. “I’m bored” became yet another way of telling the adult world that it was falling short, for the child should be entertained ( Stearns, 2003 ; Toohey, 2011 ).

In real life, of course, most children learned to handle a bit of moderation. Wish lists were rarely fully fleshed out, and children could even survive the lack of the year’s most popular toy or game. But the dedication of part of childhood to early forms of consumerism, and the pressure on parents to fulfill part of their happiness obligations through toys and entertainments, played no small role in actual family life and, sometimes, a nagging sense of falling slightly short.

And this linked to the third complexity of happy childhoods: the inevitable tensions that resulted when confronted with the unhappy child. Not surprisingly, the relative frequency of discussing unhappy children went up rather dramatically in the 19th century (as Google Ngrams suggest), as a counterpart to the new expectations more generally. While rates dropped a bit thereafter, the topic remained vivid, encouraged by growing interest in, and claims by, child psychologists and other experts. Two outcomes seem pretty obvious. First, of course, the unhappy child (or the period of unhappiness), whether directly experienced or not, was a cautionary tale for parents themselves: something must have gone wrong, some adult must have failed in her duties, for this to have emerged. The facile association of unhappy childhoods and parental dereliction (and often, resultant unhappy adulthoods) became a conversational and literary staple by the mid-20th century, particularly amid the popularization of Freudian psychology ( Ludy, 2007 ). And second, when the unhappy child was encountered there was a risk of exculpatory diagnosis: the child must be unhappy because of some psychological disorder, the unhappiness a sign of some kind of illness, beyond the responsibility of good parents. It became harder to accept or even understand the sad child ( Berman, 2016 ).

Historical value judgments are never easy, particularly since by definition we are trapped in our own contemporary standards. It is hard not to believe that, for all the complexities involved, the emergence of the idea of happy children was an advance over earlier frameworks – which is one reason that the idea of children’s happiness has spread geographically as part of globalization (though without yet creating uniform agreement). But, inevitably, since we are enmeshed in the happiness culture it is hard to evaluate it against past patterns.

Certainly, there are the downsides, which the historical approach, cutting through any assumption that the idea of happy childhood is a natural human concept, helps highlight as well. It becomes too easy to overdo the happiness card, whether the result is undue accumulation of childish junk or the difficulty of appreciating periods of childish sadness. It is easy to complicate the actual achievement of normal happiness by expecting too much, by reacting to quickly to emotional lows. As it emerged from the 19th century onward, the assumption that children should be cheerful as part of the child’s contribution to the happy family can be genuinely burdensome, just as the assumption places obligations on parents as well. The realization that much of this is a recent historical product, which might be open to some reconsideration or modification, can be constructive. Not a few experts are joining in urging greater nuance and flexibility about the childhood/happiness association.

There is one final point. We began this essay by noting the premium that Western parents, when polled, place on children’s happiness. But of course happiness is not the only thing we want, and it is even possible that our cultural standards prompt us to claim a higher priority than we really mean. Contemporary Americans certainly do not want unhappy children, but the classic helicopter parent, this creature of the past quarter century, may actually be more focused on achievement than we explicitly recognize – however, parentally orchestrated that achievement may be. Recent analysis that suggests how successful many middle-class parents have become in positioning their children for college and beyond, in a newly demanding economic environment, may complicate the happiness equation: these parents want to think their offspring are happy, but they are orchestrating other goals ( Druckerman, 2019 ). The extent to which middle-class American parents are unusually focused on the importance of hard work, compared to European counterparts, certainly raises some questions about actual priorities, despite lip service to the hope for childish joy ( Doepke and Zilibotti, 2019 ). The happiness standard will surely prompt the demanding parent to bursts of indulgence, often with a strong consumer component, and probably some real guilt about not succeeding as consistently on the happiness front as we would like.

The relatively modern conversion to the notion that children should be happy added important criteria to the ways many American parents evaluated their own performance and clearly helped motivate changes in actual interactions with children, including the growing commitment to consumerism. It affected people’s evaluations of their own childhoods, and could affect children directly as well, as in the injunctions to be cheerful. But, as several recent studies of happiness suggest, the results in terms of actual happiness and well being are harder to assess: expectations could be raised beyond reasonable hope of fulfillment, and signs of occasional sadness might become harder to handle ( Ahmeds, 2010 ). Add into this the pressures for achievement and success, so vivid in the current generation of middle-class teenagers, and the evaluation of actual outcomes, as opposed to professed goals, becomes undeniably complicated.

Author Contributions

The author confirms being the sole contributor of this work and has approved it for publication.

Conflict of Interest Statement

The author declares that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest.

• ^ In contrast, youth, though never systematically empowered, might be valued. Greek and other cultures celebrated the beauty and athletic prowess of youth. Artisanal arrangements in many societies – Europe, Japan, the Middle East cherished a few relatively carefree years between apprenticeship and full adulthood. But childhood was a different matter.
• ^ Huizinga’s Homo Ludens mounts a particularly detailed case for children’s play in traditional societies.
• ^ Google Ngram Viewer is a search application that allows one to measure the relative frequency of particular terms or words in the Google Books database. While in some ways problematic and obviously not a complete representation, the tool is a helpful way to assess cultural trends and changes.
• ^ These early Victorian manuals interestingly combine the emphasis on childish innocence with continued insistence on obedience with rarely if ever a bow to happiness.
• ^ Aldrich also writes of taking “personal note” of each student on the birthday.
• ^ As noted above, the American Journal of Education had been recommending birthdays since the 1860s.

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Moir, H. (2017). Guiding Children’s Consumerism, 1945-2000: Expanding Parental Responsibility. Ph.D. Thesis, George Mason University, Fairfax, VA.

O’Shea, M. V. (1920). The Parent’s Library: Faults of Childhood and Youth. Chicago: Drake.

Pleck, E. H. (2000). Celebrating the Family: Ethnicity, Consumer Culture, and Family Rituals. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Prentiss, E. (1857). Little Susy’s Six Birthdays. New York, NY: Anson D. F. Randolph.

Primary Education Journal 15 (1907).

Rosen, R. J. (2015). The Christmas Dilemma: Should You Buy Your Kids Everything They Asked For? The Atlantic. Available at: https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/12/allison-pugh-gift-giving-christmas/421869/ (accessed April 3, 2019).

Sedgwick, C. M. (1850). Home. Boston: James Munroe and Company.

Spalding, A. W. (1930). Through Early Childhood: The Care and Education of the Child from Three to Nine. Oakland: Pacific Press.

Stearns, C. Z. (1988). “Lord please let me walk humbly: anger and sadness in england and america,” in Emotion and Social Change. eds C. Stearns, and P. Stearns, (New York, NY: Holmes and Meier).

Stearns, C. (2019). Critiquing Social and Emotional Learning. Lanham, MD: Lexington Books.

Stearns, P. N. (2003). Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America. New York, NY: New York University Press.

Stearns, P. N. (2016). Childhood in World History. 3rd Edn. New York, NY: Routledge.

Stearns, P. N. (2014). Obedience and emotion: a challenge in the emotional history of childhood. J. Soc. Hist. 47, 593–611. doi: 10.1093/jsh/sht110

Stearns, P. N. (2012). Satisfaction Not Guaranteed: Dilemmas of Progress in Modern Society. New York, NY: NYU Press.

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Keywords : happy children, childhood, emotions history, American culture, childrearing, happiness

Citation: Stearns PN (2019) Happy Children: A Modern Emotional Commitment. Front. Psychol. 10:2025. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02025

Received: 16 April 2019; Accepted: 19 August 2019; Published: 06 September 2019.

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Copyright © 2019 Stearns. This is an open-access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License (CC BY) . The use, distribution or reproduction in other forums is permitted, provided the original author(s) and the copyright owner(s) are credited and that the original publication in this journal is cited, in accordance with accepted academic practice. No use, distribution or reproduction is permitted which does not comply with these terms.

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Essay On Children Upbringing

Type of paper: Essay

Topic: Law , Children , Family , Parents , Challenges , Time , Home , Childhood

Published: 03/25/2020

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Bringing up children is one of the most rewarding tasks yet it is least appreciated. When I was growing up, I remember my parents always being on the lookout to see what I was doing, where and to whom (Heywood 22). Parents these days face more complicated challenges given that they have got to deal with external and internal challenges that come with the location one lives. I believe that in past parents were strict than parents of today. A case in point is my parents who could not put up with any form of indiscipline. In our home, every act, good or bad was accompanied with a reward, good or bad. So therefore every act of indiscipline could receive a thorough punishment, something that made my siblings, and I behave responsibly in order to avoid being punished. On the other hand, children of today expect too much from their parents to such an extent that they intimidate them. They do so by using laws that have been put in place to protect them. Children of today can offend their parents and expect them just to sit there and watch them as if nothing happened. In fact, these laws are not good in the upbringing of children. A child can even go on to threaten a parent that they can call 911 in order to have their way (Archard 16). The changing times have come with new trends in child rearing. In the past mothers would stay at home and take care of the children but today, nannies and child care centers have been left to do much of the work. Parents and especially mothers go out to work and spend much of their time at work and not at home with their children. While at home, children are accorded more screen time than family sharing time as it used to happen in the past. Even with these differences, it is fair to consider the fact that discipline and lack of it have continued to be one of the top agendas. The greatest achievement that a parent in the 21st century can have is, bringing up responsible children. This can be achieved only if the parents fully take up their roles and mould their children to whom they want them to become. It is a difficult journey to take yet very easy if parents would just try to be in charge of the situation. It is for a fact that this is not easy but if one puts their mind and heart into doing this, they can stand the test of time and be the best parents ever.

Works Cited

Archard, David. Children: Rights and Childhood. New York: Taylor & Francis. 2004 Heywood, Colin. A History of Childhood. Malden: Blackwell Publishers. 2013

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Bringing Up Children in the Lord (Part 4): Training Children

“ Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it ” (Proverbs 22:6).

The training of children is done in two ways – by instruction (teaching them what is right) and by discipline (punishing them for doing what is wrong). Parents must take their responsibility to train their children seriously. Failing to train children in the right way will bring shame upon the parents. The wise man said, “ The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother ” (Proverbs 29:15). So let us consider how parents ought to train their children.

Primary Responsibility of Parents

The primary responsibility for raising children does not lie with other family members, churches, or the state; it belongs to the parents. Paul wrote: “ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord ” (Ephesians 6:4). As a man’s wife is to be his “ help meet ” (Genesis 2:18, KJV), a mother is also to help in bringing up children (1 Timothy 5:10). Others can help with the training of children – Paul implied that Timothy’s grandmother helped raise him (2 Timothy 1:5) – but except in cases of loss or desertion of one or both of the parents, such help should be secondary .

While it is important to raise children to be productive members of society when they are grown, it is more important that parents bring them up in the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). The goal must be to raise them to be faithful Christians. This thought will be discussed more in the final lesson. But we need to have this in mind as we consider the training of children. Parents should certainly want to train their children to be good workers, citizens, friends, and family members; but it should all be within the context of being a good Christian .

The responsibility of parents to train children must be taken seriously. Jesus made an important point about offending children when He compared a citizen of His kingdom with a child:

“ And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea ” (Matthew 18:5-6).

The instruction and discipline that parents give to their children, as well as the example they show them [see previous lesson], must help lead them to the Lord. If parents, by the way in which they raise their children, stand between them and the Lord – causing a hindrance to their faithfulness – they will be held accountable for that. It is certainly true that a parent may do everything right and a child will still refuse to obey the Lord (Ezekiel 18:5-13), but the parent must be careful not to contribute to such unfaithfulness.

Training Through Instruction

Generally, parents understand the importance of their children receiving instruction as part of a secular education (math, history, science, etc.). But as important as this type of education is, it is far more important that children receive a spiritual education. Jesus said, “ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you ” (Matthew 6:33). His point was that while it is necessary to take care of our physical needs, it is far more important to take care of our spiritual needs and responsibilities. Therefore, instructing children in the way of the truth should be a parent’s top priority.

The primary source of such spiritual instruction must be the word of God. Paul reminded Timothy, “ From childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus ” (2 Timothy 3:15). The term “ sacred writings ” has reference to the Scriptures (2 Timothy 3:16). The word of God shows us what is true (Psalm 119:160) and directs us in the way we should go (Psalm 119:105). As Timothy learned the word of God, he learned the way of wisdom, salvation, and faith. Parents must teach their children to know the Bible.

As parents instruct their children in the ways of God, this instruction must be regular and consistent. Notice the command given in the Old Law:

“ These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk to them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates ” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9).

While this command is part of the Old Law, it was still “ written for our instruction ” (Romans 15:4). The lesson we can take from the passage above is that our lives, and the lives of our children, must be saturated with the word of God. Spiritual instruction given to children should not be limited to one or two Bible classes a week at the local church. Parents, as the ones with the primary responsibility to teach them, must teach their children regularly and consistently.

The parents’ instruction must not only show children the truth, but also prepare them for those who would promote error and wickedness.

• Prepare them for human philosophy – “ See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ ” (Colossians 2:8). The wisdom of the world is contrary to the wisdom of God (1 Corinthians 1:21). Parents must teach children the difference between right and wrong, truth and error, wisdom and foolishness – not as the world would define those concepts, but as they have been defined in God’s word.
• Prepare them for “science” – “ O Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to you, avoiding worldly and empty chatter and the opposing arguments of what is falsely called ‘knowledge’ ” (1 Timothy 6:20). One of the strongest attacks against the truth comes from those who promote the godless theory of evolution. It is called “science,” but it is not. Anything pertaining to the origin of the universe is a matter of faith . Yet from an early age, children will be taught in school that they must reject what the Bible says about the origin of the universe (Genesis 1) and accept what “science” says about it. Children must be warned and prepared for this.
• Prepare them for mockers – “ Know this first of all, that in the last days mockers will come with their mocking, following after their own lusts ” (2 Peter 3:3). Those who oppose the truth and refuse to submit to God will ridicule God, His word, and His followers. Parents must prepare their children so that they do not fold when they are bullied and pressured into rejecting God and His ways.
• Prepare them for evil influences (peer pressure) – “ My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, ‘Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood, let us ambush the innocent without cause; let us swallow them alive like Sheol, even whole, as those who go down to the pit; we will find all kinds of precious wealth, we will fill our houses with spoil; throw in your lot with us, we shall all have one purse,’ my son, do not walk in the way with them. Keep your feet from their path ” (Proverbs 1:10-15). Children want friends. They want to fit in. But they must be taught that it is not good to be friends with those who would lead them into engaging in wicked behavior. Paul warned, “ Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals’ ” (1 Corinthians 15:33). If parents do not prepare their children to resist peer pressure, then the good instruction they gave them could be lost.

Training Through Discipline

If parents are to bring up children in the Lord, they must instruct them in regards to the truth. However, instruction alone is not enough. Even setting the right example (which we noticed in the previous lesson) is not enough. Sometimes corrective discipline is necessary. The wise man said, “ Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him ” (Proverbs 22:15).

In order to understand how to administer discipline, we must understand what “ the rod of discipline ” is. Though this may not require that parents use a literal rod , they are to use something (a hand, a belt, etc.) that can inflict pain. It may result in the children “ crying ” (Proverbs 19:18, KJV) and produce “ stripes that wound ” (Proverbs 20:30). These passages do not justify child abuse, which would be sinful, but are meant to show that discipline should cause some pain for the child so as to reinforce the instruction given by the parents.

It is important that discipline is carried out in love , not in anger . Discipline that is rooted in anger and hatred results in abuse. Discipline that is rooted in love is the type of correction that is commended to us in Scripture. Notice what the Hebrew writer said as he compared earthly fathers with our heavenly Father: “ For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness ” (Hebrews 12:10-11). Discipline must be done for the long-term good of the child, not as a way for parents to vent their anger or blow off steam.

Notice a few passages from the book of Proverbs that give us instructions regarding the discipline of children:

• “ He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently ” (Proverbs 13:24). Some parents contend that it is more loving to refrain from disciplining their children. But true love does not withhold discipline/punishment from a child, but strives diligently to drive away the foolishness that is bound up in his heart (Proverbs 22:15).
• “ Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death ” (Proverbs 19:18). Discipline must be administered in the hope that the child will be better for it. The wise man does not instruct parents to discipline their children because they are angry at them or because they need a way to vent their frustrations. It is for the good of the child. It is not abuse (desiring his death), but is to help lead him toward the truth and away from evil.
• “ Stripes that wound scour away evil, and strokes reach the innermost parts ” (Proverbs 20:30). Discipline, when properly administered, will cause pain for the child. This is necessary so that the parents’ message – the instruction that we discussed earlier – sinks in and the children learn that they should not forget or ignore it.

The goal of discipline must always be to direct the child in the way of truth. “ Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol ” (Proverbs 23:13-14). Discipline must be administered in order to reinforce the instruction that is given.

The training of children is done primarily through instruction and discipline . It is meant to do two things: (1) to lead them away from the evil influences of the world, and (2) to lead them to the way of God. The final two lessons will expand upon these ideas: (1) raising children in a wicked world, and (2) raising children to be Christians.

This series is also available in paperback .

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Why It Is Important to Discipline Your Child

See how discipline teaches kids to become responsible adults

Discipline isn't just about giving kids consequences. Instead, it ensures children are gaining the skills they need to become responsible adults. There are many types of discipline and various approaches to parenting. But ultimately, regardless of the type of discipline a parent uses, discipline offers kids many benefits. 

Helps Kids Manage Anxiety

Believe it or not, kids don’t want to be in charge. They often test limits just to make sure that their caregivers can keep them safe. When adults offer positive and negative consequences , kids grow and learn.   Kids who have overly permissive parents  often experience anxiety because they have to make adult decisions. The lack of guidance and the absence of leadership can be very unsettling for kids.

Encourages Good Choices

Appropriate discipline teaches kids how to make good choices. For example, when a child loses his bicycle privileges for riding into the road, he learns how to make safer choices next time. Healthy discipline  teaches kids alternative ways to get their needs met. Kids need to learn problem-solving skills , impulse control, and self-regulation skills from appropriate training.

It is important to distinguish the difference between consequences and punishments. When kids are disciplined with appropriate consequences they learn from their mistakes. Punishments, however, tend to mean that kids quickly learn how to not get caught when they misbehave.

Teaches Kids to Manage Emotions

When a child receives a time-out after hitting his brother, he learns skills that will help him manage his anger better in the future. The goal of time-out should be to teach your child to place himself in time-out or step away from the situation when he's getting upset before he gets into trouble.

Other discipline strategies such as praise , can also teach kids how to deal with feelings . When you say, “You are working so hard to build that tower even though it is really hard to do. Keep up the good work,” your child learns about the importance of tolerating frustration.

Ignoring mild misbehavior can teach kids socially appropriate ways to manage their frustration as well. If you refuse to give in to a temper tantrum, your child will learn that's not a good way to get his needs met. When you ignore whining, your child will learn that whining won't change your behavior.

Discipline Keeps Kids Safe

The ultimate goal of discipline should be to keep kids safe. This includes major safety issues, such as looking both ways before crossing the road. There should be consequences when your child doesn't take appropriate safety precautions.

Discipline should also address other health risks, such as preventing obesity. If you let your child eat whatever they want, they may experience serious health risks.

It's important to set healthy limits and offer education to help your child learn to make healthy choices.

Explain the underlying reasons for rules so your child will understand the safety issues. Instead of saying, “Stop jumping,” when your child is jumping on the bed, tell them why it's a problem. Say, "You could fall and hit your head. That's not safe." When your child learns about the reasons for your rules, and they understand the specific safety risks, they will be more likely to consider the safety risks when you're not there to tell them what to do. 

Sege RD, Siegel BS. Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics. 2018;142(6) doi:10.1542/peds.2018-3112

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, an international bestselling author of books on mental strength and host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time.

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